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Where O' Where
Where O' Where
Well Mr stargazer769and I have been having a discussion. He quoted me from a recent post that I said I wasn't looking for love and I don't want it looking for me. And then he sent me to a post passing of time. Here I am on a Saturday, sitting here crying...wondering what in the world is wrong with me. Some days I'm so cynical about love - and everything it entails. But I also think I'm realistic - because who knows me better than me??
And as I sit here and think about all the things I had wanted in my life before I die - yes, true love was part of it. And I tried the true love approach a couple of times - - though in hindsight, the second one was about love. That's my fault.
I honestly believe in my life time - I've had 2 true loves. The first one when I was 18...and I just blew that one, I was so wrong in the things I did in that relationship - and I still think of him often. The second one I married. And divorced 6 years after I met him. There were so many things that went wrong in our last couple of years of marriage, that divorce was the only way we could both be happy. I truly believe we were meant to be married, if nothing else to learn what it was we DIDN'T want in a relationship and what it truly means to love someone unconditionally.
I think that's where I am messed up - - the unconditionally part. My dating life is like a bad Seinfeld episode - I can find something wrong with just about every date I have...as my family/friends say "so, what's the BUT??". How horrible is that?? I know there are things guys would love to change about me...I accept that. Not that I'm going to change - love me as I am or leave me, that's fine with me. Just be honest, I'm a big girl now.
But when I think about all the reasons I break it off with a guy - in the end, I still want to find someone to sit with me on my porch in our rockers. Maybe I won't have the 60 years of memories (like both of my sets of grandparents) to talk about. But I fully want to know that the person I am sitting there with will love me for the rest of my life, no matter what.
My life now with my job - doesn't allow the time that a relationship deserves. It's not fair to expect so much from a guy and me never be around. I trust totally when I'm with someone...but it doesn't seem to work the same way back to me. I can't help that I work with 100's of men...that's my job. And I also know my own weakness's. I wasn't like this before I started fighting disasters...but it's the way I am right now.
Would I turn my world upside down if Prince Charming (should I not step on him) come into my life? I would like to think so. I admit, it's gonna take someone extroidinary to turn my head and keep it turned. I'm always looking forward, looking for the next challenge...and it's hard for anyone to keep up with me.
I absolutely believe in true love...I've seen it and see it every day. I'm envious. I've already made so many wrong decisions in life, and many decisions I can't take back - nor want to. But some of those put me on an "undesirable" list..and well - I can't change that either.
But for me to think I'm not looking for "love"...well I'd be lying to myself! Of course I want it...I want all the inside secrets, the inside laughs, the picking up of underwear off the floor, the 2 hour long shopping trips to Home Depot....the family gatherings and the happy drive away when we leave... sure I want it.
I just don't know how or where to find it...and if it will want me when I do.
8/13/2006 3:09 pm
Of course you will find love. You just have to be looking for it, because it takes a bit of effort, and if you are a very busy person you might not take the time necessary to find it. |
Will it want you? Or course, if not, it wouldn't be true love. Just hang in there. I know how you feel. There is someone out there fou you, just keep your eyes open for him or her.