What the Auto World Needs Now  

HardlyYours4Now 52M
951 posts
11/9/2005 2:02 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

What the Auto World Needs Now

Driving home today, I had the time to think about the next generation of improvements we need from the auto industry. Built-in breathalyzers are now available (oughta be standard), and highly accurate death-rays are probably beyond current technology and/or legal statutes. But there are still some improvements I’d like to see.

Dashswipe: No, that is not a misspelled insult. I spend a few hundred bucks a quarter keeping the POS-mobile going. It is never convenient to have the work done, so I suggest a built-in credit card swipe reader in the dashboard. Just run your card through once a month and make a transfer directly to your local shop. They never really do that much to the car anyway.
ESPT: Extra-Sensory Perception for Turn signals. When you near a turn, the car picks up on your thoughts and turns on the signal for you. I don’t really need this, but the other idiots out there do.
Jackotine: Inspired by adds for Saw 2, this device reacts to a carjacking by locking the thief’s head in a little guillotine. The device will finish its work in a timed interval, like maybe ten minutes, unless the perp drives up to a police station (where they keep the unlock codes). Not recommended for cars with cloth seats.
Flat-6/Flat-8 Engine: Talk about alternative fuel sources ‒ let’s tap into one that is apparently available in unlimited supply: flatulence. A suction device under the seat detects the fumes or the rumble, and sucks away that gaseous cloud to the combustion chamber. I have received modest support for this idea by local bean farmers.
JAPO: Jet-Assisted Pass Over ‒ based on the JATO (Take Off) technology used by military transports and the like, this would allow you to simply jump over the velocity-impaired drivers in those No Passing zones. Holy Jump-Jets, Batman! By the way, I’m not stuck on that trade name; I just thought it made for a better acronym than Rocket Assisted Passing Engines.
Electromagnetic bumper: Anyone else live in or drive through areas with a lot of home construction? Anyone else had to have multiple nails pulled from your tires? Anyone else want to drive those nails into the foreheads of the sh*ts who dropped them? Here is a more peaceful solution. Flip the switch whenever you are driving in a construction area, and the front bumper becomes a giant electromagnet. Still haven’t worked out how to avoid getting stuck on the car in front, but most bumpers are plastic anyway.

Yes, the folks in Detroit have some homework to do. But I have done my best to get them thinking in the right direction.

rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
11/9/2005 8:44 pm

You freakin dashwipe, I want a death ray ( I don't really care if its accurate or not)

saddletrampsk 54F

11/10/2005 10:09 am

remember that show "Get Smart"? I want the "Cone of Silence" in the back seat so I can escape the noise from my kids fighting each other on those loooooooong trips to town

HardlyYours4Now 52M

11/11/2005 1:17 am

saint - I have been working on one in my shop, but I'm having a little trouble with the anti-matter mixture.

I don't think the neighbors really liked that cat much anyway.

saddle - Oh, you can't just use duct tape?

I have so much to learn as a parent...

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