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The Three Bears, Hardly-Style
The Three Bears, Hardly-Style
With apologies to whoever wrote the original. My toddler has asked for the story every night for two weeks. Time to skewer that puppy.
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Once upon a time in the forest, there lived 3 bears:
- A great big daddy bear
- A BBW mommy bear
- And a wee-little baby bear
The bears had three chairs:
- A big recliner for the daddy bear
- A couch for the mommy bear
- And a little stool for the baby bear
They also had three beds:
- The couch for the daddy bear
- A Sleep-Number® Bed for the mommy bear
- And a ratty old twin for the baby bear
One morning the three sat down for breakfast. They had:
- Egg-Beaters and 1/2% milk for the daddy bear
- Yogurt and a 1/2 a banana for the mommy bear
- And chocolate-frosted sugar-coated Sucrose Flakes for the baby bear
It was the morning for family counseling. They had:
- Anger management issues for the daddy bear
- Childhood sexual issues for the mommy bear
- And self-esteem issues for the baby bear
So they went to the shrink's office.
While they were gone, a little girl named Goldibox broke into their home; she had been casing the place for weeks.
First she tried sitting in the three chairs:
- The big chair was too hard to operate, especially all the built-in massage functions
- The couch was too soft, and apparently had some bad springs at one end
- The stool was not terribly comfortable, but Goldibox took it so she could reach the shelves in the bedrooms.
Next she stopped in the kitchen. She was hungry, so she tried what was left of the bears' meal.
- The daddy bear's milk was water with color added, so she spit it out
- The mommy bear's banana was a decent source of potassium, so she ate it.
- She wanted the toy surprise in the Sucrose Flakes, so she dumped the box out onto the table.
Now it was time to start investigating the upstairs. When she looked in the closets, here's what she found:
- The daddy bear's porn collection, with the pages stuck together
- The mommy bear's dildo box
- The baby bear's stash of pot, and she smoked it all up.
Goldibox was feeling pretty mellow, and decided to crash for a while. So she tried the beds. Actually, she'd always wanted to try a Sleep Number® bed, so she lay on it. Her sleep numer was 69.
This is a sex site, ya know.
The bears came home from their counseling,all feeling pretty good about themselves. When they went to the living room, they sat in their chairs:
- The daddy bear said, "Who's been fcking with the settings on my chair?"
- The mommy bear said, "We need a new couch."
- The baby bear said, "Anyone see my stool?"
It was lunch time, so they went to the kitchen:
- The daddy bear said, "Well, guess we're out of the 1/2% milk. What a crying shame!"
- The mommy bear said, "I could have sworn I left that other banana half out. Maybe it's in my dildo box upstairs."
- The baby bear said, "Who the fuck dumped my cereal out? And where's my movie tie-in, product safety recall toy?"
They decided to take a nap. When they went to their beds:
- The daddy bear griped about the broken springs, but was snoring in seconds
- The baby bear was really bummed, because his stash was all gone;but his meds were kicking in, so he went to sleep.
- The momma bear thought, "Hmm, she's cute," and quickly stuck a ball gag on Goldibox, then tied her to the bed. She then spent the next hour or so trying out some of her BDSM toys on Goldibox, while Goldibox passed between pain and pleasure, until she couldn't separate the two.
Then the mommy bear woke up the daddy bear, and said, "Got a surprise for you." So the daddy bear fucked Goldi's box, then screwed her ass, hissing, "Say a word about this to anyone, and we're going straight to the police."
The baby bear watched the whole thing on is mini-remote webcam he had installed in his parent's bedroom, and masturbated while he watched.
When they released Godibox, she had a glazed look in her eyes, and mumbled, "Same time tomorrow?"
And they lived happily ever after.
9/20/2005 7:32 am
you aint right. *shakes head* you just aint right.|
9/20/2005 8:09 am
Laugh, man, it's way too early in the morning for this. You are just twisted.|
Mental note to self: try to avoid sleepovers at the Hardly house.
Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.
9/20/2005 2:33 pm
Hey, blame sj for this - she suggested Hardly's Twisted Fairy Tales last week. More assaults on Mother Goose and the Brothers Grimm are planned.|
9/20/2005 3:48 pm
Hey Hardly ... looks like you and TheQuietGuy2005 have been conferring today?|
9/20/2005 7:06 pm
OMG - I have never been to TheQuietGuy2005 before this moment. Wow - great minds run in the same gutter.|
9/20/2005 7:20 pm
mz - many thanx!|
9/20/2005 7:55 pm
That kind of turned me on!|
9/20/2005 9:28 pm
*Note to self: Keep my daughter away from the H-authors in the children's section of the bookstore.
9/21/2005 2:24 am
dsd - |
That kind of worries me about you!
9/21/2005 2:25 am
Oddly, Barnes & Noble hasn't invited me for any book signings.
9/21/2005 4:28 am
Hardly ... Seems our minds have come together on this one! Psychic blogging rules!|
Mind you, yours is far more explicit ... though I'm tempted to say mine is moderately more perverse and nasty
9/21/2005 2:16 pm
QuietGuy - Truly scary. As for explicit - I've probably gone longer without (let's not make it a contest), but I'll agree about perversity level. Write on, dude!|