The Doctor is in:  

HardNhorneee 52M
127 posts
10/11/2005 11:25 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The Doctor is in:


HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise
can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many
beats, and that's it... don't waste them on
exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more
fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.
What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are
these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to
your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a
good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the
water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of
grain. Bottoms up!

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have
fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two
bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of
participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My
philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried
these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're
permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting
a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a
muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing
sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans!
Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food
around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure,
explain whales to me.

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my
lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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Well, I hope this has cleared up any
misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey
to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a
Ride!"

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