Dear Diary...  

HardNhorneee 52M
127 posts
8/21/2005 6:17 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Dear Diary...


Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.................

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my setups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why in
the world would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.

Thursday:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work
out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that @#$%& Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.

I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
hand me the *&%#(#&**! barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school
you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

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