honesty (long)  

Guy1378Fox 46M
64 posts
1/10/2006 9:01 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

honesty (long)

When we talk about honesty we usually mean honesty with each other. We rarely mention the need to be honest with ourselves. Such as, what are our true motives behind what we are doing? What am I doing? What do I really want? And, I am being realistic?

What am I doing here? Looking for a diversion.
I am in a relationship, but it is not what I consider a good one. (No, she does not know what I am doing.) We have both changed from who we were six years ago. She used to be enthusiastic about doing things with me, be it going out dancing, or sitting at home and playing a game. We rarely go out at all anymore. When she is at home she reads, or naps, watches TV, or complains. She has been a lot more critical of me the last several months. I have changed too… It is harder to be optimistic about things the way my last several jobs have ended. I have been downsized due to problems that had nothing to do to me, lost a job because I was blindsided by office politics, and outright fired as a scapegoat for my boss’s mistakes. It takes a toll on a person. The point is, while she seems content to read, nap, and watch TV, I am not happy. I am considering leaving. (I have mentioned this, but I do not think she took the idea seriously.)

What do I really want? I think what I am really looking for is affection and companionship. My companion (girlfriend of six years), at this point, would usually rather take a nap, or read, or watch TV, than spend time with me. The affection she used to show me has largely been replaced with lack of interest, and criticism. She no longer makes an effort to be attractive, usually sits around in her work uniform, or sweats, and no make up. She gets annoyed if I mention this change. I try… I have asked her to go dancing with me again. At best, I can talk her into playing cards with me for a little while.

I am I being realistic? Following this introspection, sex is not what I am after. Granted it could be a pleasant diversion… Deluding myself, perhaps? Thinking that I can find something to make life more bearable, fill the void in my life. To be honest, the best I think I can hope for here is a good diversion. While I am being honest, there is the potential that it will only make things worse.

I find myself somewhat trapped. My last boss who fired me as a scapegoat is also giving me a false negative reference. So, I have been out of work for three years now. (I did try to start my own business during that time, but that is another story.) Without work, leaving her would mean packing what I can fit in the truck (leaving the rest behind) taking what savings I have left (about $1500.oo, I think) driving to Wisconsin and moving back in with my parents until I get back on my feet. I do not like the prospect of leaving most of what I own, and all of my friends here, moving back in with my parents, and starting over. However, I cannot live the rest of my life like this…

So, to be honest with myself- I am looking for a diversion, when I should be looking for companionship and affection, though in my present situation I am not likely to find either. My real motive is that I need to escape this unhappy prison and try to find a happy relationship (and a job where I at least get a fair chance.)


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