my life  

GrlAnachronism 35F
0 posts
9/4/2005 3:58 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

my life

THESE ARE THE LAST FEW ENTRIES FROM MY REAL BLOG...thought i'd just paste them here since i don't know what to say right now:

oh so all my lovin' go's
under the fog fog fog
and i will leave them all
well i'm just a poor little baby
cause well i will leave them all

oh so while you're growing old
under the gun gun gun
and i will leave them all
well i'm just one poor baby
cause well i will leave them all

i wish i could buy back

the woman you stole

Y-control, Y-control
you walk, walk, walk, walk, walk
my winners
out of control, out of control
you walk, walk, walk, walk, walk
my winners
out of control, out of control
you walk, walk, walk, walk, walk my winners
out of control, out of control
you walk, walk, walk, walk, walk
my winners out

so all my lovin' go's
under the fog fog fog
and i will leave them all
well i'm just a poor little baby
cause well i will leave them all

_yeah yeah yeahs

it's working I think.

except that I tore it up last night a little...
bad idea, my skull is breaking.

at least I don't work today.
updated my blog links etc...

check out the blogs....i read them everyday...each one interesting in a different way.

some more personal to me than others obviously.

my bed is way too big lately.

where are you?

so i passed out on the toilet last night I guess.

Jarod had to wake me up.

then i looked at my phone this AM and the wallpaper made me scream...
some sneaky mo fo took a picture of me passed out on the couch...
it's not perty.

apparently I was going off about someone's voice on the TV breaking my eardrums...
Allan said I was screaming "off, off...her fucking voice!! OFF!!" he said I was very natural playing the special person role. Then i guess I kept talking about Lesbian Fridays. I still have no idea what that means. Jez was definitely on my level though, after reading the texts she sent me....

"Zach had to ruin my mood by being sweet. I was going to have fun with him! I still will! Only do unto others which you would have done unto yourself! Oh how I enjoy the dellusions of my brain!"

she'll probably smack me for posting that.
oh well.
i don't know what was in that beer.
Poor Zach.

So I'm going to make an attempt at my liscense today. Got insurance. then gotta pay some bills.
that means I should probably motivate sometime here.

I hate the phone.
it's so annoying. I don't think I answer anyone when they call me. maybe a few exceptions...but i hate the phone. i can't sit there and have a conversation if there's anything else going on around me because i will get distracted. The desire to sleep forever is hard to shake. I heard it never goes away when you get to where I'm at...I hope that's not true, I know I will be checking into that if it doesn't go away soon. I also know the other hook is the body image issue; food, weight. Gain a few and the inner fiend tries to control you.

I'm speaking in random sentences. because i have pride issues. Real bad.
but I'm getting the idea...
like the whole needing proximity or feeling despare.
it's an excuse, no matter how uncontrolling it may feel...
i take away responsibility by giving those things so much power and I have to grow up.
i have to be who i was starting to be before and just believe i can do it...

i guess i should get a move on.
later kitty kats.

i could make a dress
a robe fit for a prince
i could clothe a continent but i can't sew a stitch
i can paint my face
and stand very very stil
lits not very practical
but it still pays the bills
i can't change my name
but i could be your type

i can dance and win at games
like backgammon and life...

i used to be the smart one
sharp as a tack
funny how that skipping years ahead has held me back
i used to be the bright one
top in my class
funny what they give you when you just learn how to ask.

i can write a song
but i cant sing in key
i can play piano but i never learned to read
i can't trap a mouse
but i can pet a cat
i'm really serious!
i'm really very good at that

i can't fix a car
but i can fix a flat
i could fix alot of things but i'd rather not get into that

i used to be the bright one
smart as a whip
funny how you slip so far when teachers dont keep track of it

i used to be the tight one
the perfect fit
funny how those compliments can
make you feel so full of it

i can shuffle cut and deal
but i can't draw a hand
i can't draw a lot of things
i hope you understand
i'm not exceptionally shy
but i've never had a man
that i could look straight in the eye and tell my secret plans

i can take a vow
and i can wear a ring
and i can make you promises but they won't mean a thing

can't you do it for me, i'll pay you well
fuck i'll pay you anything if you could end this...
can't you just fix it for me, it's gone berserk...

fuck i'll give you anything if you can make the damn thing work

can't you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,
FUCK ill pay you anything if you can end this
hello, i love you will you tell me your name?

hello, i'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?

I am not who I want to be
I probably will not ever be
I drove my car on June 14th
I drove it right on down the street
I had not had any sleep
so I ate minithins to stay awake
You crashed your car right into me
there was two days I 'fore I had to leave.
uh oh uh oh down low down low down low uh oh oh oho oh oh...

I am not who I want to be
I probably will not ever be
I took a trip down to California

karma payment plan...
k-k-karma's payment plan

My car broke down out in the street
the radiator sprung a leak
I met this guy he said that he could help me

I'm on the karma payment plan..

We went to his house and did some speed
he said karma would pay for this deed
he got it fixed and he started to scare me

I ditched eventually
and came back for the van the next morning

'm on the Karma payment plan

I went to LA the next day

I got jacked in a really bad way

I cannot tell you's a long story.

Dresden Dolls in IC soon!!!!!!!!!!! check out the link. i think i will probably just shit when I see them. I'll just shit my panties and smile. They are my top 5 now. Love them! NIN on Oct 8 in Cleveland...then Dresden Dolls...oh Billy Idol on Sept. 2o right here in DeMo. at the
I can probably die soon, as long as we see Tori and Beck within the next year.
then I can die.
okay...i'm not really THAT bad but I'm saying. I love music. I love concerts. i love experiencing them with other people that love them just as much...
and I'm excited.

anyway I totally lost myself there for a few days.... i didn't know how to be alone after the summer with you every day...and it was hard to remember how to just be...and how to reflect on the really real of me... because it all scared me too much and just being w/you and away from that made it easier...
so i'm sorry for my fuck ups and heart breaks and so on.
i am.
i regret.


i just wish it were easier to just be sometimes.
it's not.
this life is harder than I wanted i guess but its also suppose to be and i have to work harder at taking it and fighting full on rather than deciding to hide or fall away and take it know what i mean... anyway.
i guess my faith is getting stronger again and it takes so little for that to happen when I just look...But things still hurt that i want to just erase.

i don't know.
it's not important right now i guess.
just wanted to drop by myself. later.

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