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the V Day
the V Day
Well, I finally got a wrapped present. It even had a bow. And there was a decent card.
It was a sequined, purple sash and a lace, purple scarf, both from the 2nd hand store. They were wrapped around a cloyingly-scented candle, which "Ma" had really bought for herself.
She's taking a college course on the healing effects of the arts in medicine. She's interested in meditation for herself, as a result. So, she bought herself a candle.
After I'd opened the package, she said, "there's something else." She handed me a Buddist "singing bowl," a brass bell-like bowl which is struck or stroked with a wooden mallet. I knew, two weeks ago, she was buying one for herself.
I just keep telling myself, "remember, she said 'single' on her profile at that 'friend' place."
We're to meet on campus today. She's buying me supper at a Thai restaurant I really like. Then, we'll see "Rent" at the campus movie theatre.
Just remember, she said, "single."
I was thinking of standing her up: just let her wait for me there for awhile, 'til she realized I'm not showing up. I'd refuse to answer the phone, too, of course. She's stood me up enough times.
But, you know what? I deserve a good dinner. I deserve to see this movie I've wanted to see. I don't have to talk to her, much. She barely speaks, anyway, when she's eating. And we can't talk during a movie.
She hasn't even noticed that I've stopped having conversations with her, initiating topics, etc.
I miss being able to spin long, complex threads of thought with another person: building our ideas into elaborate constructs of seemingly-unrelated ideas.
I miss laughing out loud, excited that I've engaged another mind so thoroughly.
I'd forgotten there was a time when people actually sought out my company.
Maybe I'll never get that again, but I need to try, despite the potential for heartbreak.
I have serious factors against me: my health isn't great and neither is my income level. I feel myself judged, even by the most "liberal" minded people, as not good enough. And, let's face it, AdultFriendFinder encourages the superficial over the substantial (porno over art).
But this is a place to start, anyway. There MAY be people in AdultFriendFinder who aren't silly.
I'm not afraid of sexuality, that's for sure. But I WOULD like to be treated with respect, and not be relegated to the role of "fresh meat."
I like lingerie as much as the next person, but I like libraries, too....
2/15/2006 12:55 am
Sounds to me like a dying relationship. how about considering a fling with the opposite sex for a while, see what happens then. might be worth the effort.|
2/15/2006 7:11 am
Thanks, overthehill1950. That's why I'm here: to explore my options.|