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It's so aggrevating
It's so aggrevating
I really do love her. Honest.
But I can't keep stickin' my chin out, just to be ignored, dismissed or perceived as some sort of threat to her security.
We haven't made love in over a year. I've tried, very hard, to be OK with that. A lot of factors contribute to the celibacy. Not the least of these is my fear of rejection. I won't even try anymore.
I just satisfy myself, when she's not here. It's ok. It's not the same as soothing, warm skin against mine, volunteering to touch me. But it's better than nothing.
She gave me 2 presents, the last, two days. Presumably, they were Valentine presents.
She's trying, I guess, to make up for the fact that she gave me nothing last year, our first Valentine together. A few days later, she gave me an old heart charm, of pot metal, which her niece had given her and which she never wore.
I dutifly strung it on purple satin and wore it around my neck almost every day for a year. Finally, after an out-of-town email in which she said I was the source of chaos in her life (she has a hideously codependent and dysfunctional work life), I pounded the charm with a hammer. When that didn't deform it enough, I melted it on the electric burner.
So, here she comes with an old, green mug, "wrapped" in paper towels, in which she'd been storing pens on her desk at work. Next, she handed me an old watch of hers. It didn't run. She didn't even check the battery.
Today, I found one of those "friend" sites, to which her 14 yo niece had sent her a link. She had described herself, last October, as "single." We've been together nearly two years. And, under her photos-of-friends section, she had a pic of a real hillbilly, covered in tattoos, wearing a baseball cap.
So, I give up. I've done most of the work in this relationship, while she devotes most of her energy and time into a job where she's taken for granted, disrespected and forced to take up others' slack. I always come in second or, now that she's in school, third.
I used to have a very active dating life. I met wonderful people and had a very good time.
I'm not sure I can ever recapture that, but I'm sure as heck not going to throw "good money after bad" by continuing to pretend everything with her is OK.
2/13/2006 6:49 pm
Sounds like it is time to move on... Welcome.|
2/14/2006 8:12 am
Thanks for the welcome, elysianpleasure. I'm starting to agree with you. GW|