Kit-Kat Crusades  

GetOffMyLawn 46M
31 posts
6/22/2006 7:13 am
Kit-Kat Crusades


Pope Urban's Kit-Kat Crusade

My Kit-Kat bar is too soft. Or more precisely, the chocolate on the bar is too soft. The deli where I purchased it is far too warm for the vending of chocolate products and although I could chill the bar in this arctic-like room I am now in, I don't have the patience. So I am left with a less than satisfactory Kit-Kat breaking experience. Rather than just snapping into its four component parts, the Kit-Kat merely bends and then slowly pulls apart. I suppose I should be grateful that I managed to catch myself before I paid for a Snickers and wisely got the Kit-Kat instead, but this soft chocolate has tarnished the whole candy purchasing event for me.

Those who know me are very aware of my interest in sugar-based products. For their sake I will suddenly change topics. I was driving around a place the other day and it occurred to me that there were billions of people on the planet who will never even get the chance to attempt to run down a fast-food associate while he removes the refuse from his place of employment. Those wiry little fellows are surprisingly agile when faced with being squished by a vehicle. So all these billions of people are going to suffer from a lack of this experience I had and it made me smile quietly to myself. I am still smiling. I love it when I get to have something billions of people don't even know about. I wonder if they all lie awake at night, wondering if their life would be better if only they could figure out just what it is that they are missing. Then it occurs to me that this lack of shared experience just might be the cause for all the horrible things people do to each other on a daily basis. Kind of like how the lack of cable television resulted in the Crusades.

History can be boring, particularly to those having to live it at the time. I think that had the Europeans had cable television in the 9th century, that Pope fellow would never have asked the populace to go and kill those Muslims. To be fair, the Muslims most likely had cable, but they had no intention of sharing it with the filthy Euro-trash of the Holy Roman Empire, so I guess it is partly their own fault. Although if you have ever spent a hot summer afternoon on a cramped bus full of unemployed French communists, you would understand the reluctance to give away your greatest invention to that smelly mass of apathy. I am still amazed the French knights had the drive to travel all those miles and through all that tribulation to fight for a city of mud huts and gift shops. Maybe they weren't bored. Maybe they just really felt the need to own a cedar box with the Last Supper glued to the top. My money is still on the lack of quality programming, though.

Imagine yourself living as a peasant in 1095. You are practically owned by your landlord and all you do all day is struggle to eke out an existence on your tiny piece of land. You eat a lot of potatoes and never travel more than a few miles from home. So what do you do for fun? Watch the Simpsons? Maybe catch a fine documentary on Egyptian culture on the History Channel? Both good ideas, except that the only ones who have cable in the entire world are living in Jerusalem. Besides, you have never even heard about cable or the Cartoon Cartoon Fridays with the Power Puff Girls. So along comes the Pope, who you believe to be the mouth of God, and he tells you about shows like Queer as Folk (which doesn't interest you because you don't go that way) and MTV's the Real World (which would interest you if you liked watching stupid kids who don't understand the real "real world"). So far, no reason to go anywhere or kill anyone. But then Pope Urban starts to describe the misadventures of a loveable idiot called Homer and his seriously dysfunctional yet strongly bonded and unusually yellow family. Forbidden Donut? Now there's a reason to leave your home behind, travel thousands of miles through rough terrain, and kill the unbelievers. A little slaughter, and pillaging might be justifiable so long as you get a few premium channels at the end of it. And who knows? You just might catch the episode where Maude dies, in syndication of course.

Things go well on your trip. Sure, you "accidentally" massacre a few of your fellow Christians along the way, but they all look the same over there, don't they. Finally you reach Jerusalem and have a grand old time making the street run with the blood of the unholy. Only as soon as the fight is over you find out that the cable company was just purchased by AOL/Time Warner and the access fees have been tripled. In a justified and understandable rage, you kill a few more heretics and then decide to go home. Cable has been lost to the ages and your angst is spent. Besides, Pope Steve Case assures you that at some point cable will be back and in your neighborhood and at a very reasonable price. And here, why not have a few thousand free hours of AOL? Just be sure to use them all within the first 30 days or our Spanish Inquisition Department will start charging you the normal monthly rate of thirty lashes.

I need a new, more firm Kit-Kat.

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