Texas Chili Cook Off..  

Frostygirl 46F
168 posts
7/23/2006 1:29 pm

Last Read:
9/17/2006 7:41 am

Texas Chili Cook Off..

So I'm on a roll and thought I would share another really funny email I received.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili .. 1 : Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge .. 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge .. 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili .. 2 : Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge .. 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno.
Judge .. 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge .. 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

Chili .. 3 : Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge .. 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili .. 4 : Bubba's Black Magic

Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? That 300-lb bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili .. 5 : Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.

Chili .. 6 : Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.

Chili .. 7 : Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.

Chili ..8 : Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge .. 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

QuietMan780 51M  
6 posts
7/24/2006 6:00 pm

Uhoh...if Frank is this hurt by chili, do NOT, repeat NOT let him near kimchi, for he WILL hate Koreans for the rest of his life. Loved it!!


SirMounts 102M

7/25/2006 10:17 pm

I like your blog even more because of the lively and enjoyable way you write.
A warm welcome to blogging, Frostygirl. *smiling*

lovesex862005 30M

7/26/2006 1:45 am

want to hook up

rm_marnisway 85F
5018 posts
7/26/2006 9:03 am

...enjoyed...welcome to the blogs.



Nothing is ever the same... when it comes to pleasures.

with a hint....the erotic senses will manifest into an abounding mess of flesh

the mind needs fulfillment of the body

if it feels good ...it is good

I've done it again...*S*

Frostygirl 46F

7/26/2006 2:29 pm

Thanks so much for the warm welcome everyone!! Such sweeties you all are

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