|Blogs > Frnds4Play > Sparks and Rivulets|
Kat's Story-the night that changed my life
Kat's Story-the night that changed my life
I have been hemming and hawing around the one subject of my marriage that is extremely hard to talk about. The night I lost all trust in my husband, the night I wish I could have crawled into a deep hole and never have come out.
It started during the day. I had been out with friends. I had done a lot of walking and I had had to ride in the back seat of the van they were driving.
I had injured my knee the year before, and I couldn't sit with it bent under me for too long, I couldn't climb stairs without having a lot of pain, coming down stairs was just as hard on me, climbing up and down hills was just as bad, so by the time I got home I was in pain. A lot of pain. I tried dealing with it by sitting with my leg out stretched and a heating pad on it in my chair in the living room.
My husband knew how much pain I was in, you could see it in my face, the way I moved when I was up and walking and he kept telling me to go to bed. Our bed had a electric heat blanket and since I already knew that heat was the only thing that helped I decided to go to bed.
I took 4 Ibuprofen and went to bed turning the blanket up to it's highest setting. It took time for the heat to start affecting my knee, during the time I was crying ( I know, not going to help ) I was moaning and cussing and I had to stay put in one position because moving hurt.
Somewhere along the line I fell asleep to be woken up by my husband as he reached over to touch my breast. I didn't say anything, I just moved away the best I could, but he followed and started to have sex with me. The man that knew how much pain I was in was now having sex with me. I did not say stop. I did not push him away. I did not respond to him. I did cry through the whole thing and a long time after, while he fell asleep I layed awake crying.
I died that night. The old Kat died that night. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to die but I am a survivor. That night tore me up. I couldn't believe it of him, he knew I was in extreme pain so that night was what? Why did he do it? I had all these questions and when later I confronted him with it, he said he didn't remember any of it.
I withdrew into myself. On the outside I looked and acted the same, but not inside.
The first person I talked to about it was Tom. I did it in a third person kind of way, but I was crying. If he knew it was me he never said anything. I then talked to a couple of lady friends, then went to see a therapist.
It was the therapist that put it into perspective, if one can do that. My husband was angry with me and of course I knew that. He was mad at me because he was no longer in charge. I was doing things that he didn't want me to do, I had grown beyond him, and he chose to fight back the only way he thought would hurt me. It hurt, yup sure did, but it drove me away further. That night broke the last chain link that kept me attached to him.
I have been at this portion of my story for 2 hours, and right now I can't go any further so,
To be continued
Take care everyone
11/18/2005 11:11 pm
Wow, my heart goes out to you. He should have been a little more considerate knowing what you're going through.|
But come to think of it, you've been married for a long time and i would suppose this constitute only a small part of your marriage life together.
Anyway, hope things will get better soon between you and him. We're just humans and we're prone to mistakes, so give your man a chance.
Good luck! Wish you all the best!
ps. thanks for dropping by my blog
11/19/2005 3:54 am
What a lousy bastard! Kat, my heart goes out to you.|
11/19/2005 7:08 am
looking forward to reading the rest|
Its not easy to write personal stuff and it takes ages
But your doing well
love silky x
12/3/2005 12:42 am
OMG Kat, I would never have done that, however angry with a partner I might have been. To all intents and purposes it was within marriage and has all the hallmarks of nonconsensuality, abuse, the attempted expresion of power and emotional damage.|
There is never an excuse for a man to behave so.
My heart feels and reaches out to you for the emotional rollercoaster that ugly experience took you through.