Epiphany  

Frnds4Play 53M/63F
2686 posts
1/12/2006 8:41 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Epiphany

I have been wondering how to talk about this. I have started and stopped 3 times over the course of 4 days. Some of those starts made no sense when I re-read them and others gave to much needless information, so here I am trying again.

If you have read my blogs about myself you will know that I didn't have a happy home life with my mom.

I have never let anyone get to close to me, my inner self not the one most people see. Most of my "friends" didn't care enough or didn't know that all I needed was probing, ask me the right question and they would have gotten the answer Stan did when he asked. I can only assume they thought I was pretty well put together mentally, maybe some didn't care enough, but whatever it was they just didn't do it.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been having an inner battle with myself. The whys don't matter what does matter is that I finally after 60 years let myself open up completely to a man, and have been rewarded for it, not punished as I was expecting.

What was with held from me as a child was love, a simple word, but also a word that can mean so much. Because it was with held I grew up thinking I was unlovable. That if I let myself love someone that person would eventually end up hurting me, so what I did when someone got to close was "push" them away, usually with actions that were confusing to them. I would keep at it until they walked away and in doing that I "saved" myself from being hurt by them. Yes, I got hurt but in my mind it would have been so much worse had I let them stay.

But I didn't remember that until Monday Morning when Stan asked his question and a light bulb went off in my head. Love was withheld. Everything started making sense to me, why I have done the things I have all these past years to keep people away that I thought were getting to close.

Monday was the first day of the rest of my life, a life I can now look forward to without the fears I once had of being hurt. Do I think this will be the last of those problems. Probably not, but at least I can see in front of me now, instead of being afraid of what was behind me and more important Stan knows all now. The nit and grit of me, the part of me I always kept hidden, and he knows how to get to the truth.

Just ask the question.

Take care everyone

Kat


rm_unlistedone 65M
2718 posts
1/14/2006 1:52 am

Kat, it really does feel good when those big, gray walls, that hold so much in your mind, finally start to come down. The air is fresher, the grass is greener, and you catch yourself smiling for no particular reason. Then you realize there is a reason... it's you feeling good about yourself.

I'm very happy for you to finally get to the other side of the question, that has kept you from truely understanding what love can be all about. I think you are going to find a whole different world to live in, play in, and just be in.

If I were there now, I would shake Stan's hand. And I would give you such a hug that you would always remember it. Today, you have made my heart light with happiness for you.

You're gonna love being loved. But then, you know now that you are loved by a lot of people... me included. 143,unlisted


warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
1/15/2006 10:22 am

Kat, I'm so pleased for you. It's strange, but since starting blogging in this forum, more than anything else I have been on a journey of self-discovery, which both has and hasn't been related to the blog and the interactions that occur, and cannot help but notice the same in others. Both your honesty and the love between yourself and Stan have been an inspiration to me. warm xx


babytiemeup 36F
1 post
1/17/2006 4:26 pm

i have to say in a way i know how you feel. i have had been with guys in the past that i do not know if they really cared but at the same time they tried to be there for me and all i could do was push them away. and then i met the guy i am with today. he has a daughter and i love her so very much but the point is i was just going to be friends with him and then he asked me to move in with him. so i did and the next thing i know i started to feel something for him and did not know what it was. so i went to talk to his mom and that is when i knew it was love. i told her that i could not love him i never loved anyone. hell i did not even know if i loved myself. and she told me that i needed to follow my heart. here we are 4 years later making plans to get married and looking for another female to play with us.i wish you the best.


Become a member to create a blog