Feeling Pain  

Firsttime36 53F
209 posts
5/23/2005 5:04 pm

Last Read:
5/16/2006 6:33 pm

Feeling Pain

When I first started blogging, it was my way to deal with the pain of a five year 'relationship' gone bad. I have a hard time even defining it as a relationship considering that person was hardly ever there. Now, if you spoke to him, he would tell you that he would do anything for me, hell, he'd probably even say it to this day - and I believe that he would DO anything for me, perhaps fix a tire, come to my rescue if I was needing something 'fixed' - he's been known to tell my friends, even to this day, I love her I really do - coulda fooled me cos' all he ever wanted to do was sit his ass on a bar stool 6 out of 7 nights at the local watering hole...and of course, feeling like ok, I dont want my relationship to be carried out in a bar, I was considered a broken record due to my constant, please spend at least one night with me....which he totally tuned out, made me feel like the bad guy when all I ever wanted to do was build a life with a person who builds a life in a bottle. I appreciate that you want to DO for me...but how come he couldnt DO for me and be my lover, my friend, my partner. Now that's not all that happened, the relationship started out way badly and it ended probably just as bad. Of course, I could write a book on the bad and the good...I am not saying there wasnt any good...there were a few good times, but the whole 5 years as a whole, it was more painful than anything I have ever experienced. Perhaps this is why I dont date and I dont try.

I healed...I buried the feelings of wanting to touch, to be touched, to care for someone....it just hasnt been worth it. Sure, I have had sex with men...some I cared about...some out of want and or need....and one man I did have a relationship with...for just a short period of time...but never was I prepared for the assault of my emotions that I have just experienced.

What has happened to me over the last couple of weeks has been amazing. I met a young man (soldier boy blog) that actually started out as a curiosity, to find out why this young man wanted to meet an old lady like me. He's young, so much younger than me...sweet, caring, handsome and strong. And, he was interested in me. I figured it was just for sex...and I wanted to meet this man who so wanted to meet me...I got more than I bargained for.

First, we clicked in our talks...via im, phone, they just clicked...I knew this man was special cos he wanted to talk with me...Like I said when he walked in my door, I was stirred...my body AND my heart. I knew I needed to keep it in check...but the more we talked, in the familarity of my surroundings, the way he seemed very comfortable in my presence...being here, laughing, sharing a beer, sharing life, it started to become intimate...and I began to feel comfortable, relaxed....enjoying something that was achingly familiar....an emotion that I had buried deep in my soul...cos its just easier to keep it tucked away than it is to let it out.

We did have sex...it started out as just sex...in the true form....and it sort of, in the midst of that first time, became intimate, an exploration of two people, who started to enjoy the air around them....it turned around as the gentle air of wanting became comforting...and oh so dangerous. Before he left that night, I knew that somehow, this man had moved my body, my heart and my soul to a place that it shouldnt be going.

I woke the next morning, my body aching from the previous night, and my heart aching knowing that what had happened the night before was a good thing and a bad thing. I felt reborn...feelings that I felt had been tucked away were stirred...and feelings I knew damn well I shouldnt be feeling. I knew I wanted to see him again; some how, some way. Oh, but the situation was wrong. The soldier boy is married, and the very proud father of a little girl. He lives here in while his family is living in the mid-west. From what I can gather, he moved them back because I dont think she was happy here. I dont think its something he wanted to do...I believe he loves his wife...but he also wanted to explore and learn about his life. He's a pleaser, in the truest since of the word. He wants to be a better lover. He wants to learn what women want, what they need, how to read women. He started out on a venture for his reasons....which I knew, nothing was hidden here. He's not sure what lies ahead of him in his marriage....the military and its schooling, the seperation - will it make the heart grow fonder or will it tear them apart - who knows...

After our night together, the need to want to talk, the need to want to see him again became almost over whelming. I tried desperately NOT to become unglued (the unhinged blog) but I felt myself spinning out of control...the ims became MORE familiar, the wanting and the need to want to be together became more intense (for the both of us). I tried not to let it consume me but I felt the urgency of fulfilling what my emotions needed...to see the soldier boy and to touch him...to be with him...and I tried to explain these feelings to him...without wigging him out...and without him running off...and strangely enough..though he never said it out loud...I feel like he may have been going through the same kind of torment.

Last night, the soldier boy came over. He walked into my house, came over to the couch where I sat, and just plopped down....and then it became very familiar...the feeling of wow, I am glad he's here, I am comfortable...he makes me happy...set in....we chatted....we sat, barely touching but knowing that he was just RIGHT there....I leaned over to kiss him...and one of the sweetest kisses I have received ROCKED me...he just put his arms around me and we just kissed...those sweet...body stirring kisses....and never in my life has this ever happened to me...but I felt my body tremble...and my tears just flowed down my cheeks...there was NOTHING I could do to stop them...NOTHING...it was intoxicating to be held, to be kissed by this sweet caring man...he held me close...hugging me oh so very tightly....and I just was moved...knowing that somehow...my emotions had now taken the step over the boundary of what this was supposed to be...and knowing I was now very much in trouble.

Now, I am not going to write about the sex.....maybe eventually, I will....needless to say, it was just not sex last night...we explored...we touched...we talked...we snuggled...we didnt speak...we spoke...hearts raced...we moved...and my whole body, my whole heart, my whole soul moved too.

After he left, me standing on my toes to get a kiss, and a hug...I felt strangely detached. I was detached from my life...I tried to sleep...and something just wasnt sitting right in my mind...I knew something...but dared not to think it.

When I woke up this morning...with my body aching in certain parts from our exploration and pleasure, I felt like I was just going through the motions...I went to work...tired as hell..aching...and not being able to put my finger on my why I felt this way.

We chatted briefly at lunch...and I asked him what I felt what I knew now was why I was feeling this way...he's going home this weekend...and I told him that about what I was feeling ...the dream I had had was that after he got back home, and around his wife, he started to feel guilty..and that when he came back, he knew he couldnt see me anymore...and somehow, my gut feeling served me right...cos this is what he felt...and it wasnt that he hadnt had an amazing time with me...what he started out to do changed...and he was becoming attached to me...he apparently must have been feeling the same kinds of things I had been feeling...and even though I alluded to what was happening in my heart, I never came out and told him out right how I felt...cos I didnt want to scare him off...and now, only to find out....that not only did he turn my heart, body and soul upside down...I believe I did the same to him.

I told him that I understood if this was it...if we werent going to see each other....and he was non committal...though I could read between the lines...he didnt want me hurt or angry...I told him I have no right to be hurt or angry...you werent mine...he wants to be my friend...and I told him I needed to regroup...to try and process what an amazing, beautiful experience I had just had and felt that was now being pulled away.....my heart started to ache...just as my body, which was still sensitive with the memory of last night, how it was now reminding me of our time together...aching...a memory that was now making me ache...in my soul.

We went wrong...as crazy as that sounds...we went wrong...we wont be together cos of something bad...we wont be together cos of something that was VERY VERY GOOD....and that has never happened to me before...this is the first time in my life that I know what has happened (the ending) is probably a good thing...not that it makes it anymore easier...I want this man to be a part of my life for as long as we have while he's here...but the RIGHT thing to do is to stop...painful as it is in my heart and soul....I think I will be able to do the right thing. I know he will read this blog...and I know he will think he's hurt me..he's not...he did nothing but please me...touch me...hold me...and I know he cares for me...he may have touched me more than I wanted...for now...the soldier boy has a piece of my heart....

shytomeetu 54M

5/23/2005 5:35 pm

All I can say is WOW!!!! What a life experience.

Ecaffine 52F

5/23/2005 5:38 pm

Isnt it weird that sometimes you have to let go simply because you truly care....

Tala4u2 54M  
2961 posts
5/23/2005 5:44 pm

In life we all live and learn and for those who learn from books it may be knowledge but it is not experience. Experience is the proof you have lived and more and more the presumption that a paper degree signifying knowledge takes precedence over the degree in Dilligaf. You have livd and the tale shows how cool and smart you are from the experience. More power to you xxx.

Tala, Wizard of The Kingdom of BooBoBia, DEITY,

stratos20003000 54M

5/23/2005 5:58 pm

glad you could get that alsome feeling again!

rm_catch884422 44M

5/23/2005 5:59 pm

Hello, My name is Rodney, and I live in sacramento.I have read al of the postings of Yourself and Your past, I all I can honestly say { put You mite not believe } is there is something better for You than any other person you have ever been with. But really the key is this,even though its very hard to. You have to Believe that every thing that happen's in your life is for some good reason, and than before you know You will see why.

Believe me, Your Beautiful, Smart, Good Personality, and someday,the right person for You will realize all the great qaulity's You have , and will treat You like a Queen.I will be thinking and praying for You. Your friend.

Rodney Fran

mnfun952 102M

5/23/2005 6:17 pm

Blogging should be a perscribed therapy!! It's awesome, it really works and I can't say it enough...you learn SO much about yourself and other people.

have a wonderful day,


soldier2320052 36M
2 posts
5/23/2005 7:01 pm

life is complex. Nothing is for sure, or as expected, and all time that is had together is priceless.

rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
5/23/2005 7:12 pm

Yep... blogging is very therapeutic as mnfun has mentioned. It has certainly allowed me a way to express myself with very few inhibitions.

Enjoy your blogging and time with AdultFriendFinder....

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