The spawning of desire and the dilemma it caused...  

Fiending4Fun 37F
7 posts
5/19/2006 11:56 pm

Last Read:
7/4/2006 9:56 am

The spawning of desire and the dilemma it caused...

Allow to begin with my adolescence so you may better comprehend my dilemma. When my sexual interest began to flourish, I found myself seeking out pornography and erotic computer conversation quite frequently. (No, this section is NOT for the pedophiles that may be reading this. I far from condone such activity… Around the same time I began a habit of frequently searching my parent’s house, for what exactly I’m not sure, but it began out of extreme distrust in my parents. I had concocted the idea that they in no way could be my blood relatives, and in fact were out for my demise socially and emotionally. But in one of these frequent rummaging amongst their belongings and in the remote areas of the house, I discovered some out-dated erotic literature in some of the areas I never considered exploring. For instance one was in the guest bath on the first floor in the nine inch separation between the cabinets and the ceiling. I found another in the game room beneath the pool table above where the leg attached to the slate. Anyhow, I became enthralled with this new-found reading material. They were all Penthouse, and while the pictures were fascinating, the Forum really peaked my interest. I thought frequently to myself, “Do these thing actually happen to people?” And while I doubted the validity of the stories, I enjoyed the fantasy.

Now, every one of these magazines contained no pictures of men, at least that I remember. But these women, I still remember some of the pictures. The one that I found most interesting was section with two women together, one with electric blue hair, most likely a wig but curious none-the-less. I remember the legs spread apart with one on top on the other. IT was from this point that I began my quest for physical enjoyment, seeking out actual people to fulfill my desires.

No, I did not become a lustful person at such an young age, I simply just discovered that I could be attracted to people in my life, and not just pictures in a magazine. But I was so confused about the whole issue. While starting in 8th grade I dated boys, it wasn’t them i was attracted to. I felt the strong desire to be with a woman, as if sexually, they were the only ones who could excite me. At this age, I had a very strong desire to lose my virginity, but the boy I was currently seeing refused me. On account of what I’m not sure. Anyhow, whenever we would mess around, I still thought of the women in the magazine. I enjoyed his touch, as limited as it may be, but I couldn’t’ get aroused by him.

When I became older, I fell out of this habit a bit, and began to enjoy my sexuality with men without needing the support of my lesbian fantasies. I am not a lesbian, I love men too much to just devote my sexuality to just one gender. However, here is my dilemma:

I am finding myself regressing. When ever I am with a man, I so desire to be with a women that it prevents my ability to orgasm unless I’m imagining the soft labia and clitoris in my mouth, or perhaps me wearing a strap-on plunging into her depths. I am confused now more then ever. I feel this desire is coming form my lack of contact with a female, as I have just gotten out of a relationship of two years with a man. But whatever is causing this needs to either come to an end or be fulfilled. I cannot spend my life playing pretend while I am being penetrated by a man. I need a females touch, I believe that is my only cure. It has been so long, nearly two and a half years. However, I refuse to be desperate. I will not take whatever comes my way, I must find attraction with them. That means, they need a brain and need to use it frequently. It is easy for me to overlook physical flaws, but difficult for me to excuse idiocy. If any one out there reads this novel… I appreciate someone pointing me in the right direction. Is that too much to ask?

rm_awesome552 61M
1 post
5/30/2006 10:39 pm

Well, I cannot fulfill your woman fantasy, but we appear compatible, and I really like your piece about needing a brain and to use it frequently. You appear to be a very spunky woman wanting to be excited and fulfilled. I just joined so no pic. yet. Will invite you to network to meet soon when signed up.

marcusravenheart 31M
1 post
5/31/2006 9:52 pm

To me it seems that you know what you want and desire. Personally, however I simply feel that perhaps your sexual frustration and regression is the fact that your fantasies are not being satisfied. Fantasies are sexual oriented goals that we make in our minds. In some cases, we make as an unattainable goal (such as having sex with a famous movie star who you most likely will never meet let alone get to have sex with them). Other times our fantasies are achievable, sometimes used as a focus for pleasuring ourselves, or in most cases for spicing up our sex lives when we feel that it is becoming mundane.

I personally think that half your problem may be in fact not that your preference is for a woman, but the fact that the relationship you where in was not satisfying you any longer. Your short term fantasies where simply not being fulfilled. It is in my opinion that when we find a person whom we become romantically involved with our fantasies adjust slightly. It is my assumption that when you first met this man, you could find sexual satisfaction with him because at the time your fantasies in a way involved him. You felt an attraction to him mentally and sexually that you did not need to fantasies about other things. However as things became routine you found it harder and harder to live without your fantasies and you had to start focusing on other things to maintain and provide pleasure for yourself and your lover. I personally feel that perhaps the fact that your sexual, and perhaps your romantic life fell into routine is why you digressed into your current situation.

My advice is, perhaps you should simply look for a lover who wishes to fulfill your fantasies and works hard to keep your love life from becoming routine. Also, make sure that you do the same so that the alternate does not happen to your lover. Make sure that your lover knows what you desire and do not be afraid to speak your mind. The first step to having a great sex life and a strong and long lasting relationship is being able to be open with your lover.

I hope that you find the person you are looking for as well as find some one who is willing to fulfill your fantasies. Feel free to drop me a line if you wish to exchange any ideas or speak more on the subject I enjoy idealisms of relationships and can talk about it for hours if provided the chance.

-Marcus Ravenheart

prettyblack66 51M
25 posts
6/7/2006 10:59 am

After reading your blog, it became glaringly apparent that you're constantly exploring your sexuality; and you still have some unresolved confusion regarding your sexual orientation.

Your writings indicate that you are extremely intelligent and intuitive. You're a thinker! That being the case, I believe you'll formulate your own conclusion on which direction is appropriate. Actually, I perceive that you've already arrived at that conclusion. You listed your sexual orientation as bi-sexual on your profile page. The fact that you enjoy the pleasures and unique subtle differences of both genders isn't a dilemma at all. Continue to explore your sexuality and expand upon these desires and cravings for the female gender. If at all possible, explore both genders intimately together.

In conclusion, self exploration is a beautiful thing, whether sexual, social and/or spiritual. Far too many people take the time to understand themselves, their emotions or their actions. The very fact that you are doing so is a testament to your resolve to seek out your true emotions and who you truly are.

flash02121 39M
1 post
6/8/2006 8:36 pm

I suppose I could send you a long, blustering answer...but I think it's this simple. You need a threesome. The penetration of a man, while you can have the feel of a woman (a soft labia or clit in your mouth can be achieved quite easily this way...)

Something to think about...

houstonboy 46M

7/4/2006 9:53 am

LOL.... Great story. So I guess you're Dad is a total Perv hiding all those dirty mags around the house.... LMAO

I bet your Mom gets cock all the time..... Its a good think your Dad didnt have homosexual tendencies. Just think if you had found some Mag like Tractor Boys or 69 Boys... and you saw a bunch of cocks playing with each other.... LOL.. You would be a total cock monster today.

Great story. I hope you find a hot girl to help you with your need for Labia. And I love your nipple ring


rm_shytown1 41M
4 posts
7/16/2006 7:56 am

sounds to me like your not confused, you just want a little extra and there is nothing wrong with that. Me i have someone but they dont like having an extra woman in the i wish she did i wouldnt be on this site probably! but there is nothing wrong with you you just need some attention and two people to give it to ya......great story.

CPLinHOU2 38M/37F
1 post
7/18/2006 6:46 pm

I completely understand! Although you have put so eloquently what it has taken years for me to realize. Can anyone ever be satisfied in a monogamous relationship? While I love my husband, and can not image my life with out him, I can imagine it with another person. This time I think I figured it out. Just add a third person into the relationship. He is as straight as it gets but that does not work for me. After we were together for 2 years I kept feeling like there was something missing. I ended up (on a night out with the girls) in bed with one of my friends. I felt GREAT! It was just what I needed. My concern was how would he take it? At first he thought it was the best thing he ever herd, then quickly realized the down side of jealously. It worked well with my friend, but she soon got into a serous relationship that ended out escapades. I am a very jealous person and had a hard time with “swinging” because I did not want to see him with someone else. (One time I told him that we should make a rule that we can only sleep with each other or someone of the same sex.) When I thought about it, the reason my friend worked so well was because I did not view her as someone trying to steal my man, but someone who enjoyed both of us.

Anyway… This is my new theory as I have tried to come up with a way to not destroy every good relationship I have. My only advice is to either engage both people at the same time (from the beginning) so they know what they are getting into, or to develop a solid relationship with one person who will understand that it is not them who is inadequate but you who has desires that they may not be able to understand. I must admit that it was very hard on him because he really is straight and had a hard time understanding my needs but he is an incredible guy.
CPLinHOU2 at yhoo

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