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Not feeling well
Not feeling well
I had to get off early today. My stomach is doing it's own thing, and I just can't get in the way of that. It kinda feels like cramps, but at the same time nausea. UGH!! Whatever it is, Midol better cure it.
So my net friend that I was writing about last night, she's OK. She called me this morning at about 3:30am and she told me what she was going to do to get her life back in order. She said that there was a battle going on in her head, one voice telling her she'd be better off if she just did it and got it over with, another voice telling her that her family would miss her too much, that she has so much to accomplish still. I swear I've never actually been told by anyone about things like that. I never even believed that could happen to anyone. I guess it is true. I was sooo damn happy to hear her voice, I nearly passed out. She has vowed to get help, starting today, and she says when she's totally recovered, she'll plan a trip here to VA to visit me. By the way, she lives in NY, I don't think I had mentioned that before. So I think that's coolness, although, some part of me really doesn't believe her, that she'll get help because she should've never stopped going to counseling. She hates doctors, so how long will her desire for help last I wonder. She says that she tried it once before right after her 3rd miscarriage, but she never even finished her sessions. For her sake, I hope she does what she says she will do, all I can do is wait.
I wonder constantly, what's my damn purpose for being here. I haven't done anything spectacular, I don't have a mall full of friends, besides my female friend that I just mentioned, I haven't helped anyone in a drastic way. Maybe I'm here because she was going to need me. I man helping one person is better than no one at all. But actually, I just might help more people than I really know. I'm a nurse, and if I do nothing but listen to someone, I'm sure that's helping them in a big way, especially for those that don't get many visitors.
But anyway, it's nice being here, alive on earth I mean, and now that I'm here, I plan to make something of it, but sometimes trying to do that seems impossible. I think it's absolutely meant for me to be alone. I have a few friends, and we go out sometimes, but it's not the same as having someone you care about with you. Now I'm single, and I'm content being single, but at the same time, I don't like it at all. I always fuck up relationships, because I never want someone under me 24/7 breathing down my neck, asking me questions about every little thing I do. Sheesh, if I wanted to be married, I would be. It's lije everybody I meet wants that title, boyfriend and girlfriend. UGH. Why do we have to label ourselves? We can be close, go out and do things, and have fun with each other without labeling the relationship. It seems as soon as that label is crowned, problems start to arise, and I just get irritated by little things. It could be that everybody that I've dated in the past were not for me, so I'll keep that thought in my mind and run with it. Blah.
Yeah so anyway, I'm just rambling now, my stomach is doing something weird, so I'm going to go lay down for a while.
That is all.