Taking A Fork In The Road  

Fallic40 53M
3214 posts
2/28/2006 7:11 pm
Taking A Fork In The Road

When just a touch of love is all the problem needed
And when you hurt someone so much that still they die loving you
And all you want to do
Is to cry out loud
But you don't know how
Jade
Jade
A shade of pain and then we die

Seal ‒ Deep Water

Monday morning, I made a difficult decision regarding someone who I have loved for years. I decided to end all contact with her.

She is a wonderful woman who does not know what she wants in her life. And I have decided that her indecision can no longer extend into my life. She flits in the window and stays for a while and then leaves for a while. I feel that I can no longer have that sort of influence in my life.

I first wrote about her back in July.

*************************************************************************************

Once upon a time............ Jul 24, 2005 5:55pm
Mood: crushed, 377 views

The Village Idiot met the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was literate, sexy and very, very empathetic. She was politically active and involved in the arts. And she was single. He fell in love. He fell hard. This woman was what every man looked for and desired. She was the Venus De Milo, the Mona Lisa, Helen of Troy.

The Village Idiot used every ounce of charm and patience that he possessed. He cooked incredible meals. He took the lady to the theatre, to movies, to the opera. He listened to problems and helped concoct solutions. And he got to watch as she went out with losers and worse.

The sad fact was that the great love of the Village Idiots life did not love him. She liked him a lot, (she referred to him as a friend) but when he told her that she meant everything to him, she ran. And over the course of the next year, phone calls were not returned, meetings were not met and gradually everything faded to black as the love of the Village Idiot's life exited stage left.

And the lesson of all of this is that love is cruel....it is fickle. While you cannot help falling in love, you cannot make anyone else fall in love back.


***************************************************************************************

I have known her for 13 years. We first met when she was my professor in a college class. Before everyone gives me the knowing look, nothing happened other than we became good friends. I even got to teach her class several times. She was four years younger than me and was in her second year of teaching. She attended many parties at my house that were thrown by my wife and I and she became very close to my daughters.

Later, after my divorce, we became much closer. But at the time she was seeing someone and was engaged to be married (which was eventually cancelled). Nothing much happened for several years other than going out to dinner occasionally or going to the movies.

In 1999 she went overseas to work for a year and we actually became much closer as I was one of the few people who e-mailed her and called her. I thought that when she returned things would take off for us. However, upon her return, she pulled in and spent a lot of time being solitary: that is after I had moved her into her apartment. She went back to an earlier boyfriend who was abusive.

I did not hear from her for about a year. Then she started to call me again and once again my hopes were raised that finally we were going to become a real couple and do real couple things. We had some great dates. This is not to be confused with just going out to dinner or to a movie. Right after the annual Christmas Party, I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to spend a lot more time with her. I did not hear from her for another year.

She called me up one afternoon to tell me how sorry she was for just walking away; that it was a bad time in her life. I kept her at arm’s length for a while but eventually my need for this lady just won over and gradually things returned to where they had been until once again she just sort of vanished. But on for a while.

***************************************************************************************

Navel lint Sep 26, 2005 7: 06 pm
Mood: curious, 380 views

So, there I was, sitting in the bath tub and contemplating my navel and washing all my naughty bits when the phone rang.

Have you ever known that you would hear from someone, out of the blue, who has not featured in your life for a while? I was expecting the call. I had even taken the phone into the bathroom with me and had it sitting next to my book.

So the phone rang and sure enough, there was the name and number of a woman who basically broke my heart. I had five rings to answer the phone or to just let it all go.

I answered it.

She wished me a "happy birthday" and filled me in what was happening in her life and asked about my life and the girls. And over that short time frame, I realized that she would never be more than a bit part player in my life again.

Her magic was gone.


***************************************************************************************
Yes! Once again it was the often vanished, and occasionally banished, teacher trying to get back into my life. And for a while, I bought back into the programme. However, as patterns have been repeated once again, I have decided that enough is enough.

It is apparent that after 13 years there is no future to this relationship. If this person had wanted a relationship with me it would have happened long ago. And so, even though I fully believe that she is the love of my life, I have told her that it is time for her to exit my life and go elsewhere. I am no longer available.

And how do I feel about all of this? Right now I do not know. It is not like my heart is broken; it is more like one complete avenue for my life has been completely closed.

But then again, there are other avenues opening all the time.

Different kinds of people
Different kinds of life
We go walking towards the future
With different size strides
Show me the way to solve your sorrows
And I'll do what I can

Seal: Show Me


rm_goddess1946 105F
13518 posts
2/28/2006 8:41 pm

seems like a long time and i know it sometimes seems like life will
never be the same..and it won't and yet life goes on...
knowing that life just doesn't always make sense....

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


rm_jayR63 59F
1884 posts
2/28/2006 8:58 pm

Oh Fallic, how could you be so innocent? This woman is a user. She knew what she was doing all along, probably has some psychological problems and enjoys treating men this way.

You don't need to waste your time pining over a woman like this. Don't you know there are countless readers of your writing who know what a fine, funny, understanding and compassionate man you are and would do anything for you?


_Safira 53F
11260 posts
2/28/2006 10:10 pm

I love you. *sitting in silence, gently holding your hand*

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?


Fox4aKnight1 43F

3/1/2006 1:47 pm

hugsssssssssssssssss


Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
3/1/2006 3:38 pm

fox, thank you


Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
3/1/2006 3:40 pm

sil, it's funny that you should say that as that is the way that I am looking at it: really I am.


moonfire2u 69F
2602 posts
3/2/2006 7:06 pm

I have known of you for a short period of time...and I have come to realize you are an amazing man...you absolutely did the right thing for you...there shouldn't be a revolving door on our hearts...once someone enters it...they should stay there...if that's not where they wish to be then they need to go...may you find that someone who truly appreciates you...

kind thoughts,
Moonfire


Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
3/3/2006 2:00 pm

jay, it is no coincidence that I refer to myself as the Village Idiot. What I did was allow me to fool myself by using the overpowering need to have someone like me.


Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
3/3/2006 2:01 pm

saf, I love you too


Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
3/3/2006 2:02 pm

wicked, that is why a change in direction was so needed. Now I am not looking over my shoulder as I move forward.


Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
3/3/2006 2:03 pm

goddess, thank you


Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
3/3/2006 2:06 pm

moonfire, thank you for the compliments. I agree with you, and the constant in and out was the catalyst for the need to make changes.


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