She's All That ..... And A (Big) Bag Of Chips  

Fallic40 53M
3214 posts
3/23/2006 1:05 pm
She's All That ..... And A (Big) Bag Of Chips

Q. What can I do to turn on my boyfriend? What kind of foreplay do men like?

A. Usually it's the men who are screaming, "Tell me how to get her going!" It's nice to see a woman asking this question for a change. Good for you for asking!

Often a man is stimulated sexually by what he sees -- men tend to respond to visuals, while women tend to respond more to what they hear and feel. That said, some men do need to be touched or cajoled into action more directly. The first and basic rule is to ask. Ask him what he likes, needs and wants as a turn-on. Try doing this at a quiet, intimate time (but not necessarily in the bedroom). For example, you might initiate a discussion over coffee about what each of you finds to be a turn-on. If your man needs to be touched, then any form of gentle, careful and caring caressing of his genitals, and even his nipples, should do the trick. You can do this with your hands, of course, but you can also use your mouth or even your breasts. Believe me, it will work.


This question was in an on-line self help site that I was wandering through the other night. In the words of the only pre-eminent psychologist that I believe in, Dr. Frazier Crane, “Pish Posh”: of course men like foreplay. They like men’s foreplay. That is the part that women do not necessarily get.

Now let me break the news that seems to be missed by the majority of the female species when they try to analyze, overanalyze and fester neurotically on the male race. (Please note that I refer to each side as its own separate entity since 42 years of “research” have led me to believe that this is indeed the case.) Men are not women with dicks.

Men are simple beings. We would be quite happy wallowing in our own filth if we did not have women to explain to us how miserable this makes us. We are the cursed and they are the saviors of the species. It almost has a Catholic beauty to it when put in the context of Cortez invading South America.

Foreplay of course is what gets the juices flowing (so to speak) in women and it is one of the most fun five minutes (just kidding) that a guy can have. But what kind of foreplay and sex games sets up a guy for an evening of great sex? Here are some ideas.

1. Spanking Put away your purple floggers, cats o’ 199 tails, and riding crops. If you want to turn your guy on, spank him with a rolled up copy of Sports Illustrated: but not the swimsuit issue. You start with SI, as it is now down to about 15 pages of stories and advertisements so it will not cause great damage. Over time, you can work your way through Field & Stream, Popular Mechanics, Hot Rod, and Salmon, Trout and Steelheader until you get to the 12” dildo of spanking magazines: ESPN: The Magazine. Rolled up, this tome could knock out George Foreman with one shot to the jaw. A cautionary note however; spanking with Cosmo or Glamour could damage the psyche of your man.

2. Phereomones So you want that scent that drives men wild. I would suggest sweet chili sauce on the breasts. It might burn a bit at first, but trust me; any man would be sucking on those nipples for as long as there was flavor and the scent will linger. Other flavors to try would be barbecue sauce, nacho cheese sauce, and for the more low brow and non-sophisticate, ketchup.

3. Bondage Please put away the silk scarves, the fluffy handcuffs and the chains. To subdue a man, you must use “man tools”. We respond to such stimuli. That means that to create the ultimate arousal in a man, you must use duct tape. Any man who can piece together a ’92 Escort, ’81 Corolla and a ’63 Falcon into one serviceable automobile using duct tape will only gaze reverentially on the woman who used the tape to restrain him. Of course there will be an obvious, and painful, side effect from releasing him from the tape ‒ the shit removes hair better than any feminine product on the market. How do guys know this? We have been sticking chunks of duct tape to each other as a practical joke since the stuff was invented. The second thing the inventor did with duct tape was make a “tape tail” and stick it to his best buddy’s butt crack. Then he laughed when his best bud ripped his arse hair off.

4. Teasing This goes hand in hand with the bondage. Drive him crazy: drink his last beer in front of him. Drink it slowly. Run your tongue lovingly along the can or bottle (very phallic) and tell him how wonderful and cold it is. Instead of using hot candle wax, pour drops of cold beer on him and suck the beverage out his bellybutton. Seeing that final bevy vanishing down the throat of a gorgeous woman would be beautiful pain.

5. “Pain is Your Best Buddy” For the truly vile dominatrix out there only! Use a little bit of icy hot on his stick man. (Of course, you do not want to get any of that inside you at any cost.) Like duct tape, the second thing that the inventor of icy hot did after inventing it was to put some in his best buddy’s cup and then laugh uproariously at the resulting discomfort. Just think what you can do to him with this.

6. Food play Now I know that this is a favorite of many ladies and I have used the whipped cream, chocolate sauce and strawberries on occasions to excite and titillate. But these aren’t guy flavors. If you want to tease your guy the ideal food is the cheeto. Oh yes, indeed, tease us slowly with that fluffy, puffy orange crisped piece of heaven. Rub the cheeto dust on our nipples and suck it off. Allow us to lick the orange powder off of your fingers. DO NOT use doritos. I was talking to a friend who’s cousin’s brother’s best man had a nipple sliced off by a razor sharp dorito. Supposedly it was rather gruesome and traumatic for all concerned. The case is still pending so I cannot comment further.

7. Tools And I mean tools of the woodworking and mechanical flavor: Stanley and Craftsman. I can guarantee that the filthiest slob keeps his tools in pristine condition. I polish my tools (I polish my tool too but that’s a different story) and they are kept organized and in their own special place in one of my roll around toolboxes. Rather than have a vibrator or dildo to play with in front of your loved one, sit him in a chair in the garage and tease yourself to an amazing orgasm with some of his favorite workbench tools. He will blow his top before you.

Now don’t you just feel enlightened in a filthy, “what the fuck did he say?” kind of way? MEN ARE VISCERAL. We relate to the world in a way that women cannot fathom and, in all honesty, probably do not want to fathom. Look at the examples of the duct tape and icy hot. Anything a man invents, the second thing he thinks about is how he can hurt his best buddy with it. Bill Gates is probably still trying to figure out how to fuck up Paul Allen with Windows.

Much as you would love for me to rub you all over with a mink mitten, it does very little for me except to tickle. (And I am very ticklish.) Just as you would love to see me go down on you with an ice cube in my mouth and touch you with a cold tongue and then a warm tongue, ice cubes are just cold and bring back memories of soccer injuries to me.

But lovingly present one of those wondrous bosoms stained red with a little sweet chili sauce, or trace your name in cheeto dust on my chest, and I am yours for life.

_Safira 53F
11260 posts
3/23/2006 7:57 pm

You know that this is going to take me a bit of time in which to respond; yes?

OMG ... I love it!!! /

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?

carebearluv2 42F

3/23/2006 7:59 pm

You've been tagged my friend!

Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
3/23/2006 8:44 pm

carebear, my darlin', you are number 4 to hit me this evening. I am getting a little punch drunk here. Down goes Fallic, down goes Fallic.

Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
3/23/2006 8:46 pm

and why will it take so long? I know, you are playing with that purple flogger of yours aren't you?

Fox4aKnight1 43F

3/24/2006 8:16 am

LOL I have to mention that guys actually might like the banana least visually .....specially seeing one disappear inside a gal ....after he was "duct taped" to the front of his car of course *WEG*

nedthebundler 56M/59F

3/24/2006 6:00 pm

This is just too good... But, I'm not gonna let my wife play with my tools, I would rather buy her a set to play with. Oddly enough, I have tried to get her to understand the reasoning in buying a roll of duct tape for hair removal. You can buy a roll of the "real" stuff for about half the price of someone at a salon doing it, and get enough to wax your entire body at least two or three times. Sadly, I am ignored.

Madness takes its toll. Exact change please!

FeistySyn 52F

3/24/2006 8:59 pm

LOLOLOLOLOL.... what a great laugh at the end of a hard week, thx!

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

SecretEarNoTears 47F  
767 posts
3/24/2006 10:29 pm

This is great! Duct tape....hmmmm....I had some somewhere around here...hmmmm

Thanks for the ideas!

Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
3/25/2006 8:39 am

Fox, you get it. Men are visceral.

_Safira 53F
11260 posts
3/26/2006 12:31 pm

OMG ... I LOVE Ned's comment! Sweets, I've either been too ill or partying too hard to respond to this post on my blog with ANY justice. But please know little thoughts are percolating in my mind to reply. However, while my He Said/She Said riposte will be humorous, I KNOW it will totally not match yours! *much luhrrrvage* Saffy

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?

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