Fallic40 53M
3214 posts
9/6/2005 9:28 pm

Momentous event seems to have stirred up a hornet's nest: in a good sort of way.

People have e-mailed and asked how can someone educated, strong and funny be abused by their wife. The answer - very easily. It's the same as in any domestic situation, no-one knows what happens behind the curtains.

I was both fortunate and unfortunate in that bruises were never questioned because I was a soccer player and also was working sheet metal. But if her parents had asked, would I have told? No - there was denial, shame, disbelief.

Domestic abuse is insidious because it is not the assault to the body (in most cases) that does lasting damage, it is the attack on the soul. The words don't make the ears bleed, they make the spirit die. External scars heal, words reverberate internally forever.

I doubt very sincerely that I will ever have a lasting relationship with another woman. I can love but I don't believe I can trust. The sad irony of this is that I love women. I love the way they feel, the way they laugh - but all it takes for me to run is one word in just the right tone of voice.

I had nightmares for years after my marriage dissolved. I have seen a therapist. But a therapist cannot put back the piece of my soul that is missing. Every day I wonder when I will heal. But the spirit cannot heal itself.

In answer to one of the more perceptive questions, I did feel that I was somehow to blame. Even now those thoughts intrude. I will always wonder what I could have done to make her happier. Intellectually I know that I could not have done more. Spiritually, I will always wonder.

Be aware, just as there are a lot more abused wives out there than anyone knows, there are many abused husbands. It is just not something that people talk about. I talk about it so people become aware.

Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
9/6/2005 11:10 pm

A very interesting point was made in a comment. It was pointed out to me in a comment to one of the blogs about the fun and games at a soccer match last week that it would seem strange that after I was abused, I would engage in the kind of behaviour outlined in the blog.

In response to that very good question, it should be asked how could someone more than capable of looking after themselves on a soccer field not be able to take care of themselves when dealing with their wife?

That is the duality of spousal abuse. Everyone supposes that the recipient can just fight back. That is just not the case.

Spousal abuse is about the breaking of the spirit over a prolonged time period. My wife had one very important thing in her favour - she knew no matter how much I was provoked, I had been conditioned from birth to never lay a finger on a woman.

freetime648 52F

9/7/2005 1:03 am

Fallic, I am sorry to hear that that happened. BUT, you will eventually pull through. It may take some time and may even take a certain incident to allow you to see will get better! I know that sounds cliche but it is true. I allowed myself the fear and distrust of any man when I finally got away from my situation, and when I look back I commend myself for being strong for that long to become who I am today. WHich is what you need to NOT blame yourself for what were the pawn in the game. People who abuse are insecure with themselves. So in turn they make the abused feel worse than they ask yourself this...why am I allowing what she did to continue to affect me?? She is gone....think about it ok? And best wishes

xx FREETIME648 xx

Barbiebunny69 43F

9/7/2005 7:14 pm

Im sorry this happened to a great guy like you. I know you will find your way. Ive been thru similar situations, and give you hope, I have met nice men and women that are truly caring for anothers welfare.
Please keep hope because you deserve a lovely partner.

DirtyLilSecret61 55F

9/7/2005 7:21 pm

I understand all this. Yes, abuse upon the male is well hidden from society as men are perceived as having to always be the strong ones. To me, mental cruelty often has more lasting effects than physical cruelty (not always mind you, but I am speaking from my own perspective here). We are conditioned to question what we did wrong, or why we didn't try harder. It's a tough cycle to break.

Because of emotional abuse (and on one occasion physical abuse) I fell so low that I wasn't sure I would crawl back out, but I have - slowly - and approach affairs of the heart far more cautiously now. Trust is something that I've had stolen from me but I am fortunate to have wonderful family and now the beginning of an even deeper healing by a good friend.

(hugs you) It does get better as time goes on, I am living proof of that.


rm_lickmepretty 50F
851 posts
9/7/2005 8:37 pm

I hope you'll be able to trust again. (and this time in the right person)

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
9/8/2005 5:17 pm

Wow, your writing always really gets to me. There's always a sentence here or there that resonates clear through to my core. I identify with your "missing piece"... I can't seem to find mine... It is a resounding feeling of emptyness that lives large at night and grinds on in the background everyday.

The mental scars of abuse outlive the physical ones by decades. A certain tone of voice can ring in your head long after a cigarette burn has healed over. Only time and love can truly fade the marks on your soul.

rm_Network_Minx 47F
542 posts
9/10/2005 6:00 am

A soul is like an octopus arm. It may be damaged and parts are missing but eventually it will grow back and be stronger. The missing parts of your soul will grow back, they won't be the same as the missing pieces but the new pieces will be stronger.

__Huntress__ 55M/57F

9/10/2005 8:46 am

Domestic violence is the insidious disease of the perpetrator not the victim ... as long as you continue to blame yourself for what happened ... you are still being abused.

I am five years removed from this cycle ... and since then not a single moment was spent or wasted by giving him another day of reigning control over me, my life, my thoughts or my actions ... I will not let him "beat me" by allowing him to effect my power and ability to love again ... I've simply learned to be more careful about who I choose to open my heart to ... that's the lesson in it ...

Trust is something given by fools ... you gain nothing by it ... it leads to complacency and disappointment ... it is used as a safety net by the giver ... it serves no real purpose ...

Rise from the ashes ... place fault where it belongs ... and you will be stronger than you have ever been before ...

rm_texasgal1978 45F
225 posts
9/10/2005 5:07 pm

It's refreshing to read you openly discussing what happended to you. I was a crisis counselor for several years, I was an ear and an outlet for help for those who wanted to die, how had just been beaten by a baseball by their significant other, child abusers, victems, etc. The one group that RARELY spoke of or reached out for help was the male domestic abuse victem. There are so many unspoken victmes out there who feel that it is too shameful to talk about it.

jim5131 55M
1296 posts
9/11/2005 11:23 am

This is the first time I've really spoken about this and I've got to cheer Fallic on bringing this up.

Whever you mention 'spousal abuse' the thoughts immediately go to some drunken, enraged husband slapping an otherwise defenseless wife. Nobody ever thinks that woman are fully capable of doing the same under the umbrella of (1) the bred-into rule that you NEVER hit a woman, and (2) the natural embarassment of explaining to others that you've been 'beat up by a girl'.

I took a chance on hiring a woman as secretary/bookkeeper for my in-home business, only to find her marriage on the rocks and soon divorced. She got another full-time job and worked parttime for me, but there simply wasn't enough money. After six or so months we began sleeping together..I took her and her two children into my house and did all for them while we rented her house out.

It was about this time that she would fly into uncontrolled rages and turn into a snarling, slapping, punch, kicking and cursing woman at the slightest inclination. Like a switch, she could turn it off and on. I started to doubt her sanity..then reinstated that fear after meeting her midicated family in Nebraska for the first time.

I would show womenfriends the scratches and bruises but never to the guys. I was warned and ignored the warnings. She was going thru a difficult phase. This will pass. I was wrong. When she wanted to fight, I would leave the house and diffuse the situation. It came to a head in December 2001 when she snapped and blocked my exit. Then called 911 when I pushed her aside to avoid the pummelling and ran out to the front yard.

Cops. They believe what they want to believe. Big Marine. Cute blonde.

Lesson learned.

Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
9/12/2005 7:37 pm

Thank you, one and all, for the understanding that you have all exhibited. It is always good to hear such encouragement from those who have suffered at the hands of those they loved and toknow that there really is an ending that can be happy.

for those of you suffering in silence, stand up and speak out.

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