Fuck You Charles Darwin. I No Longer Believe In You Or Santa Or The Easter Bunny  

Fallic40 53M
3214 posts
6/12/2006 8:26 pm
Fuck You Charles Darwin. I No Longer Believe In You Or Santa Or The Easter Bunny

"All these results, as we shall more fully see in the next chapter, follow from the struggle for life. Owing to this struggle, variations, however slight and from whatever cause proceeding, if they be in any degree profitable to the individuals of a species, in their infinitely complex relations to other organic beings and to their physical conditions of life, will tend to the preservation of such individuals, and will generally be inherited by the offspring. The offspring, also, will thus have a better chance of surviving, for, of the many individuals of any species which are periodically born, but a small number can survive. I have called this principle, by which each slight variation, if useful, is preserved, by the term natural selection, in order to mark its relation to man's power of selection."

from The Origin Of Species By Means Of Natural Selection by Charles Darwin


Like many (good) employees out there, I have to commute to and from work everyday. Now it is not a California commute by any means. I do not have to get up at 1:30 in the morning and drive 10 miles at 1 mph or drive 100 miles at 20 mph. I have a respectable 30 mile (mainly) freeway drive that is usually accomplished at an average speed of 65 mph. (“You bastard” I hear many of you say, “You contemptible prick. We dream of going half that far half that fast.” All self-generated insults aside, it is almost as far as one can reasonably commute in Oregon.

This 35 minute block of time has become “me” time. I get to think deep thoughts. I get to listen to KNRK and listen to some good music (with only a bare minimum of DJ input). And I get to observe my fellow man (and woman) at their most base and venal. The thing that most comes to mind as I drive is “Fuck you, Charles Darwin. Obviously there is no heavy traffic in the Galapagos or you would have totally had to rethink your natural selection portion of the Origins of Man.”

Obviously there is a reason for such vitriol. I love to observe my fellow man in their natural state and what can be more natural than driving. Staring through someone’s driver side window is like peering into their soul. And what I have observed is that if the eminent Dr. Darwin was truly correct, then many of my fellow drivers would have long since been deceased. If a lot of the drivers I observe in action live the rest of the lives the way they drive, then they run with scissors, play with electrical appliances in the bath tub and eat the mysterious fuzz covered things found in melting Tupperware at the back of the refrigerator. Natural selection assumes that these individuals would succumb to their environments. But on the highway, it just does not seem to be so.

As an example, I recently observed a driver attempt to insert his vehicle (at high speed) into a space between two other vehicles that was possibly three inches longer than his half ton pick up. Of course, in his momentary exultation at being able to find what we shall call the perfect tight pussy of a traffic opening, the driver forgot that he was towing a 12’ boat. I suppose that the term “premature ejaculation” would be appropriate to describe the sight of the trailing SUV being side swiped by the boat and blasted into the bushes alongside I5.

Another time, I had a lady in a SHUV (Sodding Huge Utility Vehicle) riding about a foot and a half off my back bumper, and I swear to God, she was reading a novel as she drove. It was carefully balanced on the steering wheel. I could see her turning the pages. If I had a short bed on my truck, I could tell you what she was reading. Then again, perhaps that OnStar is much better than I thought.

So as I zip along I5 each day, I observe my fellow travelers and, in my best scientific manner, here is some of what I have catalogued.


1. Kurt Busch Disciples

These are the individuals who take offensive driving to a whole new level. If you find yourself happily zipping along 10 mph over the speed limit and all of a sudden there is something German and silver about 3” off of your back bumper, then you have a NASCAR wannabe on your arse. Usually they travel in a pack of at least 25 cars: think of it as a 100 tired centipede. It looks like the inside lane at Talledega. Every car is within 6 inches of the car in front. All that is missing is bump drafting ‒ and that is what happens should you choose to not get out of their way.

2. Rust Bucket Ramblers

Working in a rural area, I deal with these venerable types each and every day. It is not that they deliberately drive slowly, but if they did speed up over 45 mph then all the rust and dirt holding the vehicle together would vibrate itself into oblivion. The driver would then find themselves at the helm of the proverbial exploding clown car. A sure sign that you are following such a vehicle would be the feet running along the ground a la Fred Flintstone. 1970s pick ups and 1980s K Cars seem to be among the vehicle of choice for the 95 year old farmers that I always find myself trailing.

3. The “F” Student Driver (also known as “the who-the-fuck was Pythagoras” driver)

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. That is true for all humans except for the “F” student. Not knowing his Pythagorean Theorem, he constantly cuts between the outer and innermost lanes. He looks like he is tacking into the wind rather than driving. For every 1 mile you drive, this driver is driving 1.41 miles (or the square root of 2). To me, the real source of fun with this driver is that after all of their maneuvering, they are only 4 cars ahead of you at the end of the journey. I like to wave to them.

4. Paul Walker Wannabes

Like an annoying mosquito, these little model kit cars fly up and down the freeway ‒ usually piloted by a pre-pubescent poser pimp with his seat laying almost completely down in the tres cool “gangsta slouch”. With their AAA battery powered LEDs, their ground effects skirts made from bathroom vinyl surrounds and mufflers eerily reminiscent of a 17th century blunderbuss, these little darlin’s make just the cutest bumper stickers on 18 wheelers. Just like the “F” student failed his geometry, this pocket rocket racer failed physics and especially the bit where Newton showed that momentum is conserved: especially when a 2000 pound car with a 120 pound driver cuts in front of a triple trailer FedEx juggernaut. A quick thought here from a physicist. Do you think they slide out of their extra baggy jeans when they accelerate from their fully laid back driving position?

5. Friends of Miss Daisy

I have one of these doughty and flinty individuals that I regularly have to circumnavigate on my morning commute. I can see her now in her BMW M2 about a mile ahead. She is in her high powered sports car moving at 50 mph in the inside lane. The speed limit where I usually encounter her is 65 mph and traffic is usually moving at 75 mph in the interior lanes: except where this person is concerned. In all honesty, I imagine that she feels a certain sense of entitlement to that lane and now that she is there, there is no way in hell that anyone is moving her out. I consider this person to be the most dangerous driver on the road.

6. Guthy Renker Presents …… Your Car

That’s right. It is a car, a home, an office, a nursery. It’s a vanity, a wardrobe, and a traveling refrigerator. In all probability, it slices, it dices and it juliennes. It is a veritable plethora of multi tasking possibilities. Quite often I have a minivan or SUV come whooshing by with the driver on their cell phone conducting business, shaving (or in the case of a female, putting on makeup), writing in a day planner and changing clothes all at the same time while driving with one thigh jammed under the steering wheel as their spare hand is needed to hold coffee, an egg mcmuffin and a blackberry. If this person is especially good, they can also yell at the kids while doing all of this. I may have a genius level IQ, but I am not capable of this (but I can dream, can’t I ). These are the people that Charles Darwin would want populating the Earth ‒ they are the next great leap forward.

7. Walter Mitty Motorists

And yes, I would have to kind of lump myself in here. For people such as us, our vehicles are a source of joy and wonder. Today I am Dr. Who and this is my Tardis. Tomorrow it is the Royal Albert Hall and I am Eric Clapton. My little truck is a world unto itself. I am the person you see singing along to the Chili Peps or Queen. If you really look carefully, I may be playing the guitar chords on my steering wheel. Or if I am in a scholarly mode, I am doing math in my traveling class room. But lest you think that I am lost in my fantasy ‒ I am aware of all that is around me. My commute is a well deserved break from one reality and a port of entry into a whole different reality.


Now I am sure that in your everyday excursions, travels, and commutes, you encounter an ever expanding variety of fellow motorists. I want to hear about them so that they can be catalogued and included on our list here. Full credit will be given.

Perhaps, like myself, you are one of the listed parties. Do I need to beware of you if you are on the road and passing through Oregon?

And back to my original thesis. Charles Darwin, you are a wanker extraordinaire. If your theory was truly correct, my daily commute would be free of vexation as all those who drive in a reckless manner would have succumbed to the inevitable in the manner of all of the bad guys in The Road Warrior.

freetime648 52F

6/13/2006 3:41 am

Good to have ya back...even if it is for a fleeting moment..... "
IS it only a fleeting moment?"

I like the Kurt Busch one...being the NASCAR fan I am I have to relate to that one perfectly...he is just a wienie!!!!

xx FREETIME648 xx

Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
6/13/2006 6:16 pm

SSS, it is not so much road rage as road amazement. For years I had a five minute drive to work and all of a sudden reality has jumped up and is riding my arse.

As for Kurt Busch (and Kyle for that matter) I just cannot stand him. My little princesses cannot stand him. In fact they are Junior fans just like you.

Me, I tend to be a Tony Stewart and Mark Martin fan.

Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
6/13/2006 6:18 pm

Hi freetime, actually I am back on what we shall call a fully abbreviated schedule as I have been working very hard.

I have to agree with you on Kurt Busch. I just don't like the guy.

impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
6/13/2006 10:20 pm

Now see...you've got me all confused...I do tend to go a little fast, but that's a family disability so I really can't lump myself in the Kurt Busch areana.

And then...well...of course I put my makeup on in the car. Don't all women? Darlin'..I've got it down to a science. If you weren't looking at me you'd never know it, no weaving for me, no siree...not since I was 16 anyway. And of course I taught my daughter the fine art of Car Makeup 101 and HEY...she's out there close to you so maybe you could test my theroy that it's just a natural extension for us females.

Welcome back darlin'...Maggie and I have missed you.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

rm_titsandtires 51M/41F
3656 posts
6/14/2006 9:03 pm

Now let me just add a SE PDX exclusive for you. I'm sure this one is seen in other parts of the country, but over her I'm sure I see them more than you do Fallic. It is non other than...

The Non-Descript-Granola-Chick
This female of the world likes to drive around in her Subaru Wagon, usually an early '90's version 4wd that hasn't been washed in several years, maybe only once since she's owned it. If you get the opportunity to look inside, you'll usually find some dried flowers or weeds (usually weeds) somewhere on the dashboard. The backseat usually has the distinct smell of dog, if it isn't riding around with her. You know her dog... it's the one that wears the red handkerchief around it's neck. On the back bumper, you'll find one of many popular bumper-stickers talking about world peace or maybe whirled peas. It is usually flanked on either side by a sticker for a coffee shack other than star-boocks. The non-descript-granola-chick can usually be seen wearing some fairly unattractive rimmed glasses also.

As for the NASCAR thing, even though I own a red monte carlo and my lucky number is 8, I'm not much of a junior fan. I do like Biffle and Kahne, but more than anything, I like to watch Gordon hit the wall.


runzwithknives 59F

6/16/2006 1:55 pm

I am so very glad so see you back (so I'm a bit short on the stick,, k).
I was going to put myself into the Guthy Renker catagory till T&T spoiled it all

The Non-Descript-Granola-Chick
This female of the world likes to drive around in her Subaru Wagon, usually an early '90's version 4wd that hasn't been washed in several years, maybe only once since she's owned it. If you get the opportunity to look inside, you'll usually find some dried flowers or weeds (usually weeds) somewhere on the dashboard.

a perfect fit

OboesHonedIambs 62F

7/3/2006 10:18 pm

I want to steal your post. Too fun. Too true. Too sad.

Instant Human -- Just Add Coffee

Fallic40 53M
1858 posts
7/4/2006 2:13 pm

tires, I also lived in SE Portland in the Sellwood area for quite some time so I am intimately aquainted with the Non-Descript Granola Chick.

I really loved the moss growing in the windows and the shoots growing out of the leaf mould that has collected in the back bumper. You also forgot to mention the lesbian rainbow stickers that festoon said vehicle covering all of the rust spots.

Become a member to create a blog