Failure To Admit To Failing, Failure To Recover From Failing  

Fallic40 53M
3214 posts
7/30/2006 6:58 pm
Failure To Admit To Failing, Failure To Recover From Failing

I have been away from posting this week. For me, this week has seemed interminable. Friday, the 28th, would have been my 18th wedding anniversary.

Now usually I do not dwell on this. In fact this is the first time in many years that I have even connected date and event together. But this year I connected the two and, for some unknown reason, it hit me very hard. I have now been away from the ex for the same amount of time as we were together: 9 years.

Perhaps it is related to the struggles of friends of mine that have occurred over the course of the past few weeks. It might be that these events opened me up subconsciously to dwell on the import of the 28th of July. Many of these conflicts parallel many of the struggles that I have had in the intervening time since the end of marriage: the dissolution of trust, the simplicity of betrayal.

I have also had a great deal more contact with my ex-wife’s family over the previous several weeks than I usually have as I have dealt with the ex’s adventures in banking. And for whatever reason, the ex decided to indulge in one of her favourite pastimes last Thursday night ‒ drunk dialing. Out of the blue, she phoned from Washington, D.C. (honestly Saf, I didn’t know she was going to be in your neighborhood) and just started chatting away as if we were old friends. We are not old friends.

To me, what the end of my marriage represents is my one true failure in my life. And to be very honest, it is something that casts shade over a lot of my life now. I do not fail at anything. I am a first born son and as such was created, and expected, to achieve greatness. But no matter how one analyzed or interpreted, there was a very basic failure on my part in my marriage. And this has, in my opinion led to further failure in my life.

There was a failure to recognize the person I chose for myself. If one answers that by saying that she was a chameleon, then I failed to recognize the need to get out of the marriage much sooner than I did. One can even say that I failed by not enduring the marriage and creating a life within its confines.

What I really created for myself was a nine year black hole. There is really a hole in my life that consists of 9 years of minimal memories. I can remember the birth of my daughters and the passing of my grandfather; but that is about all. I do not even have any photographs from that time period. It really is a void. Of course who needs photographs when one can just look at the scars. Not having photographs could be considered a failure too as they would be a record that there was happiness at times: even if there was no contentment. But honestly, they just do not exist.

I have one friend from within that time period. She was a college professor who became good friends with both my ex and I and she was the only person who remained a friend to me after the split. (As a matter of fact, we are going out to dinner this week.) She was very perceptive to the treatment I was receiving at home and was always there for me as a friend. She had an alcoholic mother and recognized all of the signs in the ex. Plus she has no children and is nuts about the two girls.

Failure is a combination of so many things. It can be bad timing, bad karma, bad taste, bad judgment or just plain bad luck. Combine these ingredients well and shake in a pinch of insanity and, just like that, you have my marriage.

Another thing that might have set everything off this week was the question of questions posed by my mother during a midweek conversation. “When will you get married again?” In my mind the answer to that question is “Never”

But it is not a question that I ever ask myself. It is not something that I am even contemplating at this time. (But obviously my mother is contemplating all of this.) I like to joke that my marriage should be counted in dog years. One year of my marriage was like seven years of a happy marriage. (It just felt like 63 years.) I just do not have good feelings about me and marriage. And the reason for these feelings is simple really. I have failed to forgive myself for failing.

PrincessKarma 43F
6188 posts
7/30/2006 7:50 pm

*hug* Well, I forgive you (for whatever that may be worth...)

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

redmartinigirl 42F

7/30/2006 8:13 pm

How can you say that your marriage was a failure when your two daughters would not be of this world had you not been married? Try thinking of it that way and maybe you'll find some forgiveness.

Lovin_U_4_Fun 54F

7/30/2006 9:28 pm

Interesting.... I keep stumbling across posts that lead me to the idea of forgiveness and acceptance of self. It seems to be the message I was born to bring to blog land!

There is a little game I was given a few years ago to play, and it opened me up to the *real* possibility of forgiveness. The game goes like this:

For one week, play at making mistakes. The only rule is, none of your intentional mistake can hurt anyone, including yourself. Some examples I've given before are, turn left when you are "supposed" to turn right, put bananas in your chili, brush your teeth with grapefruit juice, etc.

Do this for at least one week. Look for opportunities to make mistakes and celebrate them!

I'd like to go on and tell you how this turned out for me, but... I'd rather wait and see if you take up this game and hear what thoughts it prompts for you.

_Safira 53F
11260 posts
7/31/2006 11:12 am

I will never be able to fully talk about why I am a hard person to love because most folks would never understand. I assure you, though, it has nothing to do with requiring any forgiveness. But when I become accustomed to that fact ... finally ... I am going to finish THE NEW LOVE REALITY post. You were definitely in my rant this weekend, too, my dear. Oh yes you were. *much love and hugs* {=}

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?

_Safira 53F
11260 posts
7/31/2006 11:14 am

By the way, I wonder if she ran into my ex; right. Hmmm ... anything could have been possible.

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?

rm_snappysback 59F

8/1/2006 4:54 am

My heart goes out to you. My divorce became final this past March, so I can relate to all you are feeling. Anniversaries and other important dates can be tough on us when they roll around. Sometimes, the grieving process isn't so cut and dry; it can go on for a lifetime. It's interesting how we can forgive others so easily, yet, not ourselves for our own shortcomings. That's something we need to learn, allow yourself to be human, flawed, a mistake-maker, and know that, as long as you learn from your errors, you will be a stronger and better person for having done so. Give yourself a break for your daughters' sakes. Good luck to you.

LadytoPleaseYou 64F
5447 posts
8/1/2006 9:22 pm

My anniversary for what would have been my 33rd year being married just passed. I am thankful I only spent 15 of them married. I tell people I am 'happily divorced' and I am. I did the right thing and I do not feel that I failed. If I did fail at anything concerning the marriage, it was staying married as long as I did.

PENIS CHARMING....where are you?

nedthebundler 56M/59F

8/2/2006 3:33 pm

In the end you will see that it was not a failure at all... You have grown past what you might have been if you had endured. I see you had two choices, to lower yourself into the wallow of your ex's existance, or to walk away from her and give your girls the opportunity to see how good life can be if you want it.

I remember a quote that goes "If you pick somebody up everytime they fall down, pretty soon they learn to fall down a lot." At some point, you refused to pick up your ex, and I suspect it was at that point she put out her claws. After all, everybody else was willing to pick her up, what made you special? Realizing that you were the one person in her life that would no longer cater to her would be strong incentive to make your existance as miserable as possible.

I think it's OK to grieve for what you've lost, but it's better to celebrate what you've gained... Maybe send her new husband a Thank-You card on that date.

Madness takes its toll. Exact change please!

(Princess Lips)

8/8/2006 12:08 am

I have failed to forgive myself for failing.


it's time to forgive you...


runzwithknives 59F

10/5/2006 7:02 pm

I still haven't quite forgiven myself for what I consider my failures in not one, but (now) three marriages for a total of 27 years. Sometimes dreging up those failures hits me harder than others.
Marriage?? Most times I think never again. And then there are times....
But I think it's about time to start looking at all of them as lessons learned.

Hugs to you cuz it sounds like you really need a few extra this week.

moonfire2u 69F
2602 posts
10/8/2006 8:10 am

I guess the question I would ask is...why won't you forgive yourself for failing? What makes you so perfect that you can't make mistakes? That you can't have bad judgment? is a journey...filled with lessons for us...some painful...but we are to grow from them...I have had painful experiences in my life...but we make the best choices at the time that we make them given the knowledge and need at that moment. For a lot of years (18 to be exact) I said never again to marriage but as time goes on...I have put it back on my I looking to be married I will not deny myself or wall myself in from anything life has to offer. I hope in time you will allow yourself to be free from these feelings...

kind thoughts,

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