Why Marriage?  

FUNGIRL20052005 30F
16 posts
2/19/2006 1:21 am

Last Read:
3/17/2006 1:21 am

Why Marriage?

"Why marriage"? My boyfriend, after four years, said to me today.

I would think after four years you would have enough love for each other to commit and get married. But, I guess not.

He says" there is no need to get married, we don't need to spend that money to show one another how much we feel".

Every little girl grows up thinking of the day when she gets married to that perfect man. For me I had a repetitive dream of how I would feel, what it would look like, and how my parents would be so proud of me. I guess men just don't see it the same way.

I asked him why? Just tell me why and I will drop it and it will never be talked about again, and his answer was," I just don't want to, I don't see the point of it".

I think that men have a vision of the perfect woman they are going to marry and they won't settle for anything else.

He loves anorexic girls that are so skinny you can see their bones, and i am definitely not like that. He also loves women with dark hair, and though mine is dark right now it is originally blond. The weird thing about it is that he likes my hair blond, but i don't.

In my mind he is with me because he is searching for that perfect woman and i am just a here to take up time.

We have a great relationship besides this, there is nothing i would change. Am i just taking this the wrong way or should I be upset?

timberwolf6972 44M

2/19/2006 4:15 am

I'm with you on that. I mean after being together that long why not get married? I think marriage is the ultimate commitment. Does he have doubts about the future? {=}

rm_PurryKitty2 48M/49F
9753 posts
2/19/2006 5:36 am


11 years ago Sail told me he had a "5 year plan"...well needless to say after many nights of crying, kicking, screaming, and yes some slapping, I am now starting on the third "5 year plan" and finally realized that if we are together that marriage is not going to change anything so if you are happy be happy and enjoy it (but secretly be upset )

Purry {=}


rm_Rico0825 54M
483 posts
2/19/2006 5:51 am

This is a tough one. I think it comes down to a few things. Do you feel appreciated? Do you feel taken for granted? Do you have trust that he is faithful? Is he giving when it comes to sex or is he a wam bam thank you maam type of guy?

The thing is you have to realize your worth. Once you realize it, you have to demand it. If you are giving your heart, emotions, loyalties and body to this man is it being reciprocated?

Are you losing self esteem because of this. How much does this attitude effect you on a daily basis. How will you react when you attend your friends weddings. Will that start to eat away at you?

You have to make this man understand how important marraige is to you. And how painful it would be if the person who you love the most was the one who stole away a lifelong dream.

Think about all of these questions. Take your time and don't do anything hasty. You are very young and have plenty of time. My advise would be not to get married to at least 25 or 26. Marriage is tough and most early twenty somethings just aren't mature enough yet, especially the men. And when and if he does come around you will know he truly is making a commitment that he thought long and hard over.

I disagree with that men are looking for that perfect girl. In fact men and women settle so often that the divorce rate is now over 50%. That adds up to a lot of pain for the couples and more importantly their children.

If worst comes to worst, you may go through pain, but you are a beautiful young women who will have a waiting line that looks like a thrill ride at Disney World. Don't dispare and be patient. It will all work out.

__Huntress__ 55M/57F

2/19/2006 6:05 am

I'm not so sure there's any one possible way to answer this ... marriage isn't for everyone ... and I applaud him for realizing that and not taking the plunge anyway ... I do have to say this to you, however ... if it is your heart to get married ... and it is not in his ... I have to wonder why you would stay with someone whose desires would appear to be so much different than yours ... you will spend your time with this nagging doubt inside of you and it would seem to be a waste of precious moments to me ... you will spend your days hoping that he'll change his mind ... and even if he does, will you wonder if this is something he really wanted ?

I may be a bit jaded as I work in divorce law and see the pitfalls that people so easily and often tumble into ... I would see this as a sign to move on ... you do not want the same things ... the differences here will only magnify ...

I hope this helps and in my heart of hearts, I wish you well ... life is too short to spend it "wondering" like this ...


rm_cnudigit 56M/51F
279 posts
2/19/2006 6:11 am

There is nothing you would change? Lets see, your hair is blonde? You want too get married? Girlfriend if you only knew!! Start shopping for a gown, or drop him like a nuns habit!!

JustaSeeker 105F

2/19/2006 6:28 am

You should think about how you really want your life to be. If you could have any life where would you live, who would you be with, and would you be married... Especially the last one. And if the answer is that you wouldn't be with a man you're not sure even loves you, feeling like a placeholder, with no chance of more in sight, then you owe it to yourself to get off your behind and do something about it. I'm telling you this because I've wasted so many years of my life too afraid to change anything, and I regret it because you can't get the time back. Don't want you to make the same mistake- it's a sisterhood thing.

LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/19/2006 6:55 am

I wouldn't push the issue. All you can do is make up your own mind about what you want. If your instinct is that you are "the woman for right now" so to speak, and you're OK with that, then have fun while it lasts, but don't have any delusions about it, or him.

The other thing to consider is you are very young, and I assume he is too. Give it time...and be realistic.



2/19/2006 7:09 am

All I can say that if you two don't really know each other on the insides that well at this point (and it sounds like you don't) that marriage would likely have a tendency to really force the whole thing to go south really fast.

Have you ever heard him say something about marriage in a positive light? He may just not think so highly of the whole institution. There can be a lot of different reasons for that but if he really has no interest in it and you do you two might not be so well matched.

What about him makes you think that you would be happy being married to him. How would marriage help him to reach his higher potentials of the way that he sees himself and wants to be seen by the world? And how would marriage have the same effects on you and the ways that you want to develop yourself.

If marriage does not help push those types of thing forward and nurture them and help them grow then it's not a good idea at all. In fact marriage can quite immediately be very destructive to those things if the two people in it have not carefully considered the changes which the marriage will quite quickly bring forth.

My immediate impression is that he's just not the right guy for any marriage at the moment and even though he's probably not thought it through so well his general sense is that marriage would place a whole lot of limits on him that he'd rather not have to deal with. And I'd say that if he's under 30 he's probably entirely correct with that feeling.

For your next boyfriend try to find one who's told you his views about marriage before you get too into it and also I personally think that getting married is generally when you really have to stop being a kid and get "serious" about life and I think that's sort of a sad but realistic way of looking at it.

That's probably one of the reasons I've never got married myself. I'm still enjoying being a kid too much.

I think the most important thing I said is concerning honestly asessing if marriage helps both people involved to grow more towards what they really want to be and towards what they want to do with their lives. If marriage can do that it's a really great thing. But far too often it does not do that.

I think a couple can really only know this by really getting inside each other's inner mental spaces and knowing well what the other really wants out of life and then supporting each other in that.

That's real and genuine love!

Wanting and helping each other together to help one another to achieve the best potentials of each individual.

Few people ever really experience this.

You don't even need marriage then because if you can really get that amazing and rarely seen phenomenon going it just transcends any definition of what life as a couple is supposed to be. To really find this type of relationship is to have found the "real deal". But if you want a break on your taxes going through with the formal and legal marriage could help you save a little money.

That last sentence was sort of a joke while at the same time was completely serious.

Good luck with this!

PS. Thomas Hart Benton was way cool. If you don't know who he is either Google him or see Thomas Hart Benton. I think he was from your home town.


agedinwood757 63F
297 posts
2/19/2006 8:44 am

over the years I have had several lovers that I thought I would die if I didn't marry them...I met my husband by accident and it took a few years and 2 break ups before we got married. Your a beautiful young woman...enjoy your life..travel, go to school, get a job you love ,do things now because time flies and you will regret not doing all these things.


FUNGIRL20052005 30F
1 post
2/19/2006 1:51 pm

Well first of all thank you for all of your imputs, I really appriciate them.

I am young and i know there is more to life then marriage. It's just after being with each other for a period of time i would think he consider marriage.

He is seven years my elder, this year he will be twenty eight, which i would think by now he would want to get married since he is getting older.

Getting married won't change anything we will still be together living in our beautiful house. If we was to get married now we wouldnt change our life because we were married.

When we met four years ago we moved in with each other right away, now 4 houses later, we own our house and just bought everything new for the inside. We've been here for about a year.

We are complete opposites at times but we are perfect for each other. i smoke, drink and have tatoos and piercings and he is against all of that. At the same time we have all the same views on things and hardly fight. When we do fight it's about little things, but we make up an hour later and we are in each others arms.

Maybe i am too young and i need to wait because now i am realizing i dont need marriage right this second to be happy, but i won't wait forever and not get married.

I think this has a lot to do with his mother. She was married three times and he was there to witness all of it. With every man she married, she changed. With one she started drinking and she had never drank before, but with all of her marriages they fought. I think he is scared and with time he will realize we aren't like his mother in any way.

I know he loves me with all of his heart and he treats me good, we are very happy. At times i just wonder about this and i get upset and worried but with time i think he will want to.

rm_Rico0825 54M
483 posts
2/20/2006 4:20 am

If he's 28 and your twenty that means you are basically equal in maturity. He's got a good 7 years before being a mature man.

Also, he may be afraid of your age. Most 20 year old young women are very fickle. By fickle I mean being madly in love one day and nothing the next. Four years is not all that long of a time to be in a relationship. But the two of you have lived with one another and survived so that is a good sign.

As I said before, take it slow. If you are enjoying yourself let it be. Over time he will come to understand how much you look forward to this.

rm_Like69_96 53M

2/21/2006 6:14 am

I hope it all works out...and it sounds like time might fix all! The feelings are there.

rm_Rico0825 54M
483 posts
2/22/2006 8:26 am

One thing I forgot to mention. You didn't mention what you were doing with yourself at this time. Working, or going to school. Whatever you do, don't sit back and make yourself dependant on this guy, or any guy for that matter. Go to school, learn a trade ,anything that would enable you move on if you ever wished or needed to. All in all that is the very most important thing you should worry about at this time in your life.

Good luck and peace

BiChickswanted 49M/40F

3/14/2006 12:09 pm

I(Willy) got married at 23 to a some one 19 and had 2 kid's.She was Lovely and So very sexy.I was evny by many men!!She got hook on crank and started sleeping with her dope dealer.Well that ended our 2 year marrage with 2 kid's 1 & 2.i soon met a young lady 9 years younger than me and we hit it off right away!I swore i would never do IT agian!!8 year's later I paposed at her work so everyone could see on one knee.I aranged the whole wedding myself and we spent $10,000 on the weddding of her dreams.I take her fishing with me!NOt my buddy's because she is my best Friend & Lover Both!We just had our 13 year Ann.We have had many Lady in our bed and we Love each other very much.What I'm tring to say is if you dont fill like your lover is your best friend then find someone who is!!You must have at least 3 thing's in commond and 4 or 5 that are not!This keep's thing's interesting and you wont get bord!Willy & Amanda GOOD LUCK!!I/WE think your a Doll!! Most of all you cant change a person & you should not change for them!!!

jdog1971 45M
6 posts
8/8/2009 1:52 am

Fun girl my wife is a thick girl and i love it women are supposed to have curves. any man that likes a 2by 4 all bones girl is sick it is like having sex with a little kid if you ever get tired of it come to springfield if you r into 3ways and we will have fun.

witz_end 46M

8/17/2009 4:38 pm

if it works, why change it,,,

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