overcoming guilt  

EroticStoggie22 33M
6 posts
9/6/2005 1:37 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

overcoming guilt


I wasn't always the nicest guy to my ex-wife... but most of the time I was. I am not bothered so much by the fact that we are no longer together. What bothers me is that she thinks so negatively of me. I have stumbled on numerous stuff "surfing the net," opening up the browser button and having her blog enter staring me right in the face with "Brandon is a big fat asshole" or "complete twat" in plain view. I don't understand... I didn't criticize her (rarely) I cooked constantly, cleaned the whole place up, rarely told her what to do (Would ask for help etc but never ordered) didn't make her work, clean, cook. The only thing I asked is for affection and not to be criticized. My mistakes? I cheated on her for multiple unjustified reasons. It's kind of hard to be faithful in a relationship when the other person tells u every couple of days that u are a mistake to be with, ur an asshole, insecure, crazy, etc. I think my ex is a wonderful person but she is so hard on me it is frustrating. Another mistake, I would ask her if she thought I was nice, good husband, etc... I know those are stupid questions and they make me out to be a bad husband, at least to a certain degree because they are annoying to have to ans, but I was trying so hard to impress her that I didn't know if all of my effort paid off... she didn't complement me that I was so I had no way of knowing. I don't hold any ill will upon her I still think she is a good person and I am glad she is my friend... but i won't lie either... it really hurts my feelings that she looks at my so negatively.... i just really want to impress her... sometimes i think she is looking at me as if i were a total asshole because she is trying to feel justified in ending the relationship... she doesn't want to feel responsible for breaking up something that was, at least, partially good. I know it's over I just get really confused. We were talking one day and she was frustrated about the breaking up thing... part of the reason was because she associated me with our deceased daugther and it was hard to connect with me passionately, positively, physically, etc... i asked her if she was frustrated because she knows i treat her good but she doesn't feel any love for me (intimately, etc) hence is why she doesn't want to be in this marriage... she agreed with that... but a couple days later to everyone else i am a complete asshole? When I confront her about it again she says she thinks i am usually nice to her ya know? Why the discrepancy, why tell me she doesn't hate me or think i am a total asshole (Even though i have been mean on the occassion) while telling everyone else i am? Is it to feel justified or to justify to everyone else why she shouldn't be in the relationship? Is she afraid of of being ridiculed, rejected, criticized for her decision? Don't get me wrong I am not holding on to some ounce of hope that it will work out... I have just been manipulated and used so often historically that I am afraid of a repeat in the present... my ex is not that type of person so i don't know what to think... my reason and gut tells me that she is doing it to escape any sense of responsibility for the situation (by putting blame on me) and feeling that she is better off with out me because i am an asshole (and she doesn't have to resent her decision in the future.) I would rather her just say u were really good to me I just found someone that is more compatable with me or want to find someone more compatable with me instead of "ur an asshole" i found someone who is "actually nice." Everyone else except my ex thinks I am a really nice "people pleasing" person... she will fire back that I was different at home... i admit there was a difference... I tried to seek affection from her and ask her why she pushed me away all the time... something i didn't want to do in public... i did not abuse her so is that what made me an asshole? I just don't understand... I really don't... I just want her to think highly of me that's all... kind of like how u don't want ur friends to think bad shit about u when ur not around ya know... especially when u did a lot of stuff for them and busted ur ass for them? I m not looking for pity or sympathy I m just looking, still to this day, for affirmation from my ex. I wish her the best I just don't want to feel responsible for the entire thing... like I was the one who fucked up our marriage... or made her totally miserable in our marriage... but more of a shared sense of responsibility... i m not escaping the fact that I did hurt her... but it is not as frequent and intense as she is making it out to be... again i wish her the best she is a sweet heart and she will make someone else happy.

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