isolated sadness  

EroticStoggie22 33M
6 posts
9/16/2005 11:44 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

isolated sadness

I am lost... I really miss this beautiful, intelligent, funny, and kind-hearted girl I met via AdultFriendFinder. I feel so depressed knowing that my immaturity in dealing with my ex-wife pushed her away. I am so frustrated because the girl I, historically, wanted to be wants little to do with me(thinks I am an asshole, immature, etc) and the girl I want to be with, as of this moment, wants little to with me as well. I constantly feel unworthy of the love, respect, and appreciation of others. I ponder on the possibilities of my negative qualities: do I say stupid stuff? Do I look funny? Am I intellectual and/or physically unattractive? I just don't understand how, still to this day, I cannot find a person (besides immediate family members) that actually loves me and thinks it is a smart "investment" to be with me. I live with this constant feeling of rejection that I do not know what to do with. I am perplexed: part of me wants to give up on life via crawling into a hole and just dying while the other part is enthusiastic and excited about life's new possibilities. I really hope this girl that i use to talk to gives me a second chance... truth be told, I miss her... I really miss hanging out with her, her friends, holding her, kissing her, talking to her. She was the only person in years (if ever) that actually loved and appreciated me for who I was and was comfortable with me being myself. I am so sick and tired of my wife thinking I am an asshole. I am generally sick and tired of being nice, trying really hard, sacraficing myself for the benefit of others and still be considered "unworthy," "unlovable" or in my ex's case "a complete twat" and "asshole." I have so much love in my heart I just wish I could express it and to one person in particular. I'm not perfect: I can be immature, I live in self-debasement (self-loathing,etc), and I can be a little self-centered. On the other hand I try really hard and I want the people in my life to be happy. I only expect (or hope) that the people in my life give me love (affection?) and respect. I do not treat others nicely as a means to receiving love and respect. I treat others, for the most part, as ends in themselves... i just get frustrated when the people, whom i spend so much time on pleasing, regards me with disrespect (or views me negatively) or refuses to help me in any shape or form. Even the most loving, affectionate, and kind people only have so much love, affection, and kindness to give to others (before they need to be refilled via love, affection, and kindness.)

rm_ElanFlux 53F

9/17/2005 4:52 am

22 is too early to give up on relationships, isolated! It is part of being 22. Is it possible you relied on her too much. "hanging out with her, her friends, holding her, kissing her, talking to her."

The in-between relationships time is a cycle. Grieving, anger, accepting, and taking a good look at yourself for improvement in the next relationship. Find some free counselling to vent and get an un-biased helpful opinion on how others see you. Any breakup I've gone thru makes me ask what's wrong with me. Other readers will identify with that too!

I am not just typing here. Recently, I was the person someone clung to after a divorce. It hurts when they get over that person and decide they don't need you anymore. It also shuffled me into the non-relationship-lets-be-buddies category.

Sometimes getting your own hobbies is necessary. Being single and independent of others isn't a bad horrible thing. That's what someone did before deciding he was. Um. Well let's just say he got his self-esteem back and decided he was a stud.

EroticStoggie22 33M

9/17/2005 10:23 pm

I really appreciate your words of wisdom. I must admit you are totally right. I have spoken with several others who have shared your exact insights. I'm not insinuating your advice/opinion/comment is unoriginal but on the contrary that because it is logical and I have heard it more than once encourages me to affirm it's truth. Thk u for the kind words and willingness to read my complaining.

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