What's Positive about Sex Positive (and what's not)  

rm_ElfOMagic 50M
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1/12/2006 10:22 am

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3/5/2006 9:27 pm

What's Positive about Sex Positive (and what's not)

I once took a weekend tantra class. During a break, I spoke with someone about their experience being the lighting rod of other's ire because they were getting sex in their lives. I remember amicably agreeing with her that so many people are angry because they aren't getting their needs for sex met and blaming those of us who were. Those of us who were "sex positive" and perceived the abundance of the world were victim pioneers who saw through the illusion of scarcity and empowered ourselves to take action.

Some time after that conversation I reflected on it some more and, from, time to time, I still think about it.

I've known a few "sex positive" folks to go out there and proselytize their position as though it would save the world and if we all just had lots of sex and effective communication around boundaries, we'd all be happy bliss bunnies to the extent that we'd feel so much love that we'd all love each other and want to solve all our problems... etc. Mostly though, I hear the sex negative messages of don't talk about it, wanting sex is bad, wanting this type or that type of sex is bad and notice the general fear that the human heard has in talking about it. Not so prevalent in most of my circles, but quite out there.

I think both the sex poz and sex negative views have their pros and cons. Positive tells us that sex is wonderful and nothing to be ashamed of but it is only one aspect of out lives and, because people think and feel in all sorts of complex ways and have many interests collectively outside of feeling the good feelings of being sexual, its not going to save the world of itself. Another negative of positive in the way its practiced -from what I've seen- is the underlying idea that those folks who aren't getting any, who are a little (or a lot) repressed are just oppressive idiots and fuck 'em.

I think its important to keep in mind that we all bear the weight and oppression of traditional western views of sex to some extent. We know well (or at least "of") folks who feel they can't get their needs met. "It's not out there for me, no one wants me, my body's the wrong shape, the wrong weight, the wrong height, I don't look like Barbie/Ken, etc., etc., etc". These folks don't like being outcasts in their own minds so that when they see the sexually successful -or at least content- they feel hurt, angry and maybe a bunch of other things. Sometimes they blame you, sometimes themselves. There's no need to blame anybody though, it takes an attitude shift to accept others and oneself is being sexually ok (even if nobody does seem to want you).

Another issue with "sex positive" is that it skews our information. The Esteemed Dr. Kinsey, bi-himself, researched the proportion of male homosexuals for his report on the subject by interviewing men in gay bars. It doesn't take a PhD. to figure out that the results are going to be skewed. Of course then, like know, folks at-large tended to take a dim view of homosexuality and Kinsey wanted to counter this. His results were the first published and folks were shocked at how high they were. But he got attention focussed on the idea that homosexuals exist and in quantity. Few could accept the results but, over time, they came to be accepted. When a new study was done in the 70's, the results were found to be much lower. If you were a homosexual then, this might've taken some of the wind out of your sails -and shaken your budding empowerment a bit if you were an activist.

My view is that its better to have the real numbers, the real truth **out there** so that everyone can know what's going on. So we can make informed decisions. Most of we have rests on our knowledge. If that's wrong, our decisions may be wrong too.

As sex poz has its downside, so the sex negative view has an upside. Like water, all things are bounded by limits. We need to be careful and have good boundaries, both to physically and emotionall protect ourselves and to protect others. This is responsibility and kindness.

Because people don't really understand it, sometimes I use the term "sex positive" to describe myself. What I really am though, is "sex neutral" or better yet, "sex truthful". I view sex as just another aspect of life and I see the balance point as being information, true accurate facts and experiences to the best or our knowledge, unsullied by either agendas of repression not liberation (though liberation is, I think, what most people are needing in the lives sexually).

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