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Slow Motion Car Wrecks
Slow Motion Car Wrecks
Ever been hanging out solo at a public place and you notice the people next to you are on a date that’s going horribly awry? It’s rather like watching a slow motion car wreck isn’t it? So last night after a really long day I went for a beer at my local watering hole, I pull up a stool to the bar and zone out on the bright pretty colors on the big box in front of me (I think it was something called the heat/bulls playoff game whatever that means). This couple walk into the bar and procure the stools next to mine, first of all I normally wouldn’t notice but the chick was dressed to the nines (we’re talking skirt, heels and a sweater that hugged her the way the guy was wishing he could).
I recognize both of them as regulars and nod their way before going back to staring and the pretty colors until she taps my arm and bums a smoke, no biggie right? Well here’s the thing the minute the guy goes to the potty she taps me again and asks me to “Save her”. So I’m thinking to myself ‘wow I must look like Jesus or something today’ well that wasn’t the case.
Apparently she was hating every minute of her encounter with this guy and wanted my help in getting rid of him, well none of my “How to ditch an idiot who’s hitting on you at the bar” scenarios work when you are willingly at the bar with the guy in question so I gave her a hint (aka date killer) call in backup.
That’s right what most men don’t realize is that when on a date with a woman her friends normally don’t just ‘accidentally’ show up at wherever they are and sit near them. All women have this backup system, sometimes it can even be simpler as in have a friend call you back and pretend to be having a major crisis, nothing drives a man to run away faster than a woman in crisis. So after he gets back she runs to the bathroom to call in the aforementioned backup.
Here’s where it gets really fucking hilarious….
While she’s in the potty the date asks me if she said she was having a good time because apparently it’s the BEST date of his life. I basically opted out of answering by asking him how they met (even though I already knew but I pretended to be drunk off my ass instead of behaving in the manner that would have revealed the actual truth that I was on my first beer and only a quarter finished with it). She comes back, drops me a wink as if to say “Backup is on its way”. Now I’m thinking backup would be in the form of a gaggle of female roommates, friends, co-workers or the like but nope I was wrong, her back up was a bunch of guys from a kickball team…. totally classic.
The only other thing that drives a guy away faster than mass female crisis is a bunch of semi-athletic guys in shorts and matching shirts. So whilst she waits for her backup the two of them go pick some tunes on the juke box. I look at the friendly neighborhood bartender and shake my head because he too has been watching this train wreck we both get a giggle out of it and have a shot before they come back. The guy then notices that there are empty shot glasses on the bar and proceeds to order him and her shots, he then also orders me one which was cool.
Now I have one basic rule of thumb in my accepting shots, I call what I drink in most cases it’s Rumplemintz (yep I am a glutton for punishment aren’t I?). She quickly runs to the potty to check on the arrival time of her backup and he orders them both shots of tequila, also known as liquid panty peeler in most bar circles, she gets back looks at me desperately for a moment before we do our shots. Now right here was where she really goofed up, I don’t know how many of you have seen the movie Coyote Ugly, but in the movie there is a very nice and very basic way to not do a shot while everyone thinks you are and this would’ve worked well for her at this moment as she had an empty beer bottle but she failed to realize this and ended up doing 2 more shot before her friends rode in to save the day.
I was nice and kept yon idiot date distracted for a few minutes so she could try and deal with the large amount of Cuervo Gold in her system until her friends showed, luckily they did in short order and the day was saved because two of them insisted on taking her home which left me to deal with the date from hell for about five seconds before the rest of her back up saved me by inviting me to go play some pinball. Hopefully if I go out tonight I won’t have to become any ones chaperone.
5/5/2006 1:16 pm
Oh, god, I feel this poor woman's pain. |
I've had some pretty horrible first meetups/dates with people I've met on here. And I will admit that I also did the "excuse myself to the bathroom scenario" on one occasion, called my friend, and when she answered, I said one word..... "Help!"
However, I did the adult thing and finished out the dinner and politely parted ways afterwards.