Advice for the new submissive  

DragonWycke 63M
91 posts
8/18/2006 4:29 am

Last Read:
8/22/2006 5:05 am

Advice for the new submissive

Advice for the new submissive
(by Tauntline ©)

Many involved in the BDSM lifestyle have been introduced to it through the Internet and online chat rooms. Online can be very intense and very special. It can also lead to great harm to many, just as real time relationships can be quite intense and special and for others just as harmful. The possible harm in the online world is mainly emotional harm, though physical harm can happen when a submissive follows directions from one who claims to be a Dominant who is either uneducated or not a dominant at all, but a player.

What I wish to speak of now is emotional harm. Where most physical harm will heal, emotional harm can last a lifetime. I have seen so very often where a submissive is harmed because he/she gives all their trust to one not worthy of it. Submissives have several desires... a desire to please... a desire to be owned... a desire to be loved... and a desire to be treasured. These desires can leave a submissive quite open to being harmed emotionally. These desires are very intense, but they are very much part of them. And it is important that a submissive understands these needs and how to have them met properly. For an abuser, it is easy for them to become prey, if the submissive does not understand. An abuser takes these desires and carefully uses them to harm another. So please understand... understand yourself, understand your needs, and understand that with patience, you will find what it is you seek and your desires will be met.

Abusers use these needs to trap a submissive. They are very careful, they know how to manipulate the desires of another. They act as though they desire them... make them feel as though they are loved, but the one who is being targeted knows in their heart the relationship is not a good one. What the abuser has done, is draw the one so deeply in, they feel they cannot back away. Even though they know it is a bad relationship, the abuser meets just enough needs to entwine them. The abuser makes them feel as if they are the one who is at fault for any problems in the relationship and in doing this, the abuser sucks the life from them, but does not allow them to be free. Often, it is said, when online, the "Off" button is a safety measure, and that can work for a time, but once one is drawn in deeply by the manipulations of an abuser, it is hard to hit that button, but you can be free of abuse.

I am going to express in points things one should watch for and consider. If these things are occurring, please seriously consider what is going on with your relationship...

Isolation - Are you regularly kept from talking to others, be it in a chat room or any other venue? Are you not allowed to have input from others? Are you with no real cause not allowed to talk to others who were your friends? Temporary separation from others does happen, but it is only for a limited time and only to give a submissive time to consider things and learn. But, it is this important to consider, is this one who claims to be a Dominant so insecure about himself and your relationship he cannot allow you to talk to others? A true Dominant is not insecure and will not keep you from openly talking with others, so that you also are secure in yourself and the relationship you are building with Him/Her.

Belittlement - Do you feel as if you are put down? Do you feel like less of a person than you did before you met this person? Do your insecurities grow as you have gotten more involved with this person? A true Dominant desires to build up and help to make others the best they can be. If it is the one they claim as Their own, that desire is even more intense. To a true Dominant, this possession is a treasure and will be treated with great care and love.

Terror - Are you afraid to speak openly to the one who claims to be a Dominant? Afraid that your words will not be respected? Afraid you will be screamed at or made to feel guilty for expressing yourself? A true Dominant will not do that. you should feel and you need to know you have a right to express your concerns and that they will be listened to. A true Dominant will listen to you and allow you to express yourself and then the Dominant will talk with you. Does this mean the Dominant's view is right or your is... no... but a true Dominant will respect you, just as you respect that Dominant.

Lack of trust - Do you feel a lack of trust for the one claiming to be Dominant? Are there many questions in your mind and heart which cannot be answered? In any relationship questions do arise, especially as two begin to learn of E/each O/other. But are you not allowed to discuss them? Or the answer, if you do raise a question from the other is a question, "Why do you doubt Me?" A true Dominant will desire to build your trust and security. As I said, in any relationship questions arise, a true Dominant understands this and will allow you to express yourself. The Dominant's desire is that you have absolute peace and trust, first in yourself, then in the relationship Y/you B/both are building and living.

Submissives... you have a great reason to respect yourselves and the gift you offer another. If you respect yourselves, the gift is even greater. And I will say this, you have a great reason to expect that you and the gift you offer will be respected. Please, be wise, do not allow yourselves to be harmed and do not give the gift lightly.

sophia4u2no 49F

8/18/2006 4:58 am

Thanks for the words, my sister just married for the 6th time, this one is in real time Dom/Sub, however, his controlfreakness has set in and the isolation you mentioned, which i've been watching for a year now has become apparent. Even if the person is Dominant, the old "divide and conquer" is a sign. ..........

DragonWycke replies on 8/18/2006 11:47 am:
Yes, it is...keep a close I, as I see that you are. What you are describing is the onset of an abusive relationship. Keep notes, a journal perhaps, of certain actions that he takes that seem abusive. He is not acting like He is a Dom, for many reasons (if you have read some of the previous articles, you'll see what I mean). This man is twisting the concepts to fit his ideal of what a Dom is. All I see are red flags, large ones and buzzers going off, here., but you cannot just jump in there to save her either, it will only make her mad at you and draw closer to him. Go slow, unless of course there is immenant danger, and always be there for her, which sounds like you already are. I cetainly hope that all works out for the best. These are exactly the kind of things that give the D/s relationship a bad name.

Wishing I could do more,


sophia4u2no 49F

8/18/2006 6:10 pm

I wonder if you would address a question for me., i have zero problems with her lifestyle choice, i believe that when 2 people are in a relationship, that they are theONLY people who truly know what is happening, without going into too much detail and i apologize for bugging you with this, but, just as a preface, the sister in question has a history of clinical depression, she has 3 daughters (16,18,20) and 1 grand daughter, we believe she has been told to cut off contact with the 2 oldest girls and the grandchild taking only the 16 year old to live with them, is this a standard in this type of relationship, abandoning your children> Or is it another sign of the control freak i think he really is and not the Dom he is pretending to be. Thank you in advance for your time. sophie

DragonWycke replies on 8/18/2006 9:56 pm:

This is definately not the actions of a Dom, at least that of a Dom/sub relationship. I feel he is feeding off her depression, making her totally dependant on him for everything, thus controlling her even more. No Dom would ever seperate the mother from her children, but to try to make the family a whole unit. A real Dom, would care for her feelings above anyone else's because she is giving herself as a gift to the Dom.This person is insecure in his status, and is seperating those that would threaten his control. If she listens to you and doesn't push you away, get as much literature as you can to her. This is a case of classic abuse and the longer it persists, the harder it will be for her to break away. I am not trying to break up a marriage here, only pointing out the obvious, if what you say is true. My deepest wishes that all will turn out fine, even though My heart says otherwise. Please feel free to ask any questions you have and I will look for specific reading materials with which you both should read...even copy some of the articles I recently posted and let her judge for herself, because it really does boil down to her decision, and no one elses...

keep Me informed if you will, Yours in Peace


sophia4u2no 49F

8/19/2006 2:27 pm

May I speak to via your AdultFriendFinder mailbox, and take this off the public airwaves? Sophia

DragonWycke replies on 8/19/2006 4:33 pm:
Yes, of course, had already been thinking that, anyways...

MamChelle 48F  
1443 posts
8/19/2006 10:15 pm

*hugs You gently* It is so wonderfull to read this and see You mentoring. O/our beloved lifestyle needs more of the instruction and essay on the emotional issues. Too many times this side gets ignored. It is a shame that unskilled and untutored Doms and subs go forward before being well informed and often find T/themnselves with no O/one to turn to for giudence. i applaud Your efforts here and offer my assistance should it ever be needed. i welcome assisting those serious about the lifestyle i love and have lived it since 8 years old from so many different angles. it grieves me to see innocents abused. And it astounds me hopw many called Master walk in ignorance. *hugs again and smiles*

DragonWycke replies on 8/20/2006 2:21 am:
Hugs you back,
Thank you for offering yourself up like this. Your insight will be invaluable, because of your experiences and because it would be coming from your unique perpective. Also, I read your blog and it seems like you had a most glorious birthday, may even the next one be even more so with the bonds you are building between your Mistress and Sir.

Love DragonWycke

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