DragnAzz123 34M
7 posts
9/3/2005 11:00 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm


We are hard-wired for sex, but great sex is an art form.

Sex is overwhelmingly a symbolic act. While we are often focused on all the delicious body parts involved, in the end we are more sensitive to the relationship revealed, to the self defined, and to the meanings discovered. And many a wonderful night of sex has been "rewritten" in our memories because of a comment that suggested the meanings were not as we hoped. As an example, imagine that a young woman named Diane enjoys a passionate and satisfying night of love and lust with a relatively new partner in her life. The next morning she wakes to find a note on the bed beside her. In 3 hypothetical scenarios, imagine that she reads one of the following:

Diane, let's do this every night for the rest of our lives.

Dana, you're one of the best.

Hope $100 is enough.

The night of sex will be reframed as sweet, sleazy, or insulting depending on which note she found.

The key to great sex is not in the perfect body or the great moves. It is in our ability to weave a rich and exalting web of meanings. Toward that end, we would suggest that great sex is a result of living the moment on multiple levels. The list below is just the most obvious levels.

Sex as Play :

Sex is about pleasure, given and taken. It can make us smile and feel happy. It can reconnect us with our childish innocence and delight. A little pillow fight or some respectful tickling can be as important as any technique from the Kama Sutra.

If you think about it, sex is a pretty ludicrous activity. A good sense of humor can really come in handy. Eventually someone will fart at just the wrong moment, or the diaphragm will fly across the room, or the bedboards will give way, or you will pull a muscle. If you are not willing to laugh and be silly, you will miss a wonderful moment.

Sex as an Adventure:

There is much to say in favor of staying within your comfort zone in being sexual. There is also something to say for finding the boundaries of that zone and taking some prudent risks in extending them.

Some part of sex is about exploration, about going new places, walking new terrain. If we are always limited to what we have already done, a certain level of boredom is highly likely. If we think there is "a right way", how will we ever find the "other ways"?

Sex as a Conversation:

Supposedly non-verbal language is 5-10 times more powerful than verbal language. And sex is one of the most vibrant non-verbal expressions we know. Certainly we have to consider sex as a language, with its own syntax, vocabulary, and evolution.

And what are we saying through sex? It can celebrate our energy and desire. It can sketch the themes of the relationship. It can convey our deepest feeling of the moment. It can express our love and regard for the other. It can re-anchor hectic lives in something primitive and fundamental.

But sex as a conversation presumes you can participate in the "give and take". It requires expression and listening. It means being sensitive to the feeling behind the behavior. It means providing all the footnotes required to make the message clear. Is your gentleness coming from feeling of tenderness? Or from feeling vulnerable? Or is it a request for the same in return? "Sex talk" is often just the clarification needed to make the physical conversation that much more meaningful.

Sex as a Ritual:

Sex is one of the meaningful things repeated over and over across the years. In that sense it qualifies as a ritual. It repeats – and therefore reinforces – the fundamental connection of the couple. It can strengthen the relationship, or sometimes remind the couple of what is missing. Either way, it can be a statement of the relationship's potential for connection and intensity.

Sex as a Dance:

Sex is also something we learn, and learn with a specific partner. Like learning to dance, there will be plenty of times your toes get stepped on, or you fall flat on your butt. There will be missed signals and stumbles. And like learning to dance, the best response to the inevitable clumsy moments is to get up and start over again.

Like dance, your learning is unique to a partner. If you switch partners, you have to learn all over again how to blend with their rhythm, their weight, and their style. It is not a generic learning, but one unique to the couple.

You will need to practice, practice, practice! Great sex is not guaranteed by firm bodies and high drive. It is an acquired talent. And the learning will call for forgiveness, and tolerance, and a sense of humor.

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