|Blogs > Dowd3 > Tales from the Crew|
The Funny Fuck: This is where one or both of you is stoned. I've never done this myself, but two people giggling through sex is more common than most of us think. I once was well into it and the bed we were on broke and spilled us on the floor. We laughed, hard, but we didn't stop. The PC muscles contract in a woman during a gust of belly laughs and it drove me wild even though I couldn't stop laughing. More mundane things have happened over the years, but the funny fuck is hard to pull off without bruising an ego or two.
The Quickie: I'm sure everyone is familiar with this. You don't have much time because of privacy issues or conflicting time restraints. Typically the state of undress is incomplete, the place is a bit odd, and a bit of injury happens along the way. The quickie is a wonderful act of playfulness between people. But it appealed to me more when I was younger. It seems infants don't like the quickie all that much since my daughter had an uncanny knack for crawling in when we were going at it. When I talk of personal injury I mean you tend to overlook the area around you. I once poked the hell out of my thigh when I landed on a fork we accidentally swept onto the floor. My ex complained I always managed to grind toys left on the floor or counter into the small of her back. Not for the faint hearted I guess.
The Furniture Fuck: This is where one of you just sits there. The one appeal to the Furniture fuck is after a long day of work, it's a nice way to end the day. My ex once stripped me down to nothing and went wild. From time to time I might try to get into it, but she would say something like, "You're too tired, baby," and pin my shoulders down. More common is the man doing all the work while the woman sits on the sofa watching TV, but so long as she doesn't complain it doesn't stray into the realm of the Reluctant Fuck.
The Reluctant Fuck: I've yet to meet a man unfamiliar with this. This is where the timing is never good. One of you is clearly not in the mood but the other is insistent. Bargaining often precedes the act, and acts of foreplay are brushed aside with a "just get it over with" gesture or comment. To hear women talk they get their fair share of the same, but I have some doubts to the truth of this. I think the ratio may be skewed towards the men in this department, but I won't waste time gathering the statistics to prove it. It's a sad enough as it is.
The Seduction: This is a rather evil thing. Evil because it starts off with a blatant lie. That lie being that sex is the last thing on your mind when in fact it's at the top of the list. That doesn't mean it isn't a pleasant experience, it is, but it does mean that one or both of you is not being forthright enough to admit what's on your mind. We hide this in the guise of romance, but sex is the object. Slowly, carefully and at great cost we fall into one another. There can be some benefit to this in that our emotions have time to settle into the same line and thus making the sex at the end a stronger connection.
The Exhibition Fuck: This is a risky move, but thrilling just the same. This is where you go to a museum and have sex while trying to convince everyone who comes by you are one of the exhibits. For the less daring, other venues may appeal to you. Strip clubs, sex stores, bars and parking lots can host a crowd that will allow you to do what comes naturally. I prefer my yard, but I'm on the shy side so I can't really claim to have partaken in this sport. The worst I can claim to have done is between the parked cars in my driveway facing the road. What disqualifies me in this regard is that we didn't attract attention. The Exhibition Fuck must be finished off with the applause of an appreciating audience. Special points are awarded if that applause comes from the arresting officers.
The Dry Fuck: Actually I've done quite a lot of this. It's a scratching an itch kind of impersonal thing that neither satisfies nor stops you. No foreplay is allowed, no flourishes, and no tricks. It's barely sex at all. Not terribly fun to begin with, it's a mystery why so many (including me) keep at it. It's just not worth the cleanup at the end to justify it.
The Bunny Fuck: Also called the Jackhammer or Mink Fuck by some (other names may exist, so please fill me in on a complete list) this is a mad, pounding hump-fest that is completely dictated by pace. Only the very boney can avoid jiggling like Jello no matter how fit you are. Not for the faint of heart, the key factors involved are balance and stroke. Care should be taken not to skip a beat on this as the pace dictates the cock may slip and injure the two of you. Chafing and rug burn are common. Soreness is also common. Do not attempt on a water bed.
The Slow Fuck: This is where arousal is held off for as long as possible. Not a particularly well documented style, it is common all the same. This is what the seduction is supposed to be but isn't by it's deliberate nature. The key is to be surprised it's happening. Never planned in advance, the usual outcome of a Slow Fuck is a visit to the delivery room nine months later.
The Wet Fuck: Oils, water, food, wine, heat and passion. The trouble with the Wet Fuck is the toll it takes on the sheets and the noisy nature of the act. Even if the participants aren't vocal with their passions, the wet, sloppy noise will leave no doubt as to what's going on behind closed doors. Let me add that this is very useful for scandalizing the kids and very fun. It's often punctuated by farting noises when air gets trapped between the bodies. Care should be taken in selecting food for this. I once made the mistake of using powdered sugar instead of honey and we about rubbed our skins raw.
The Office Fuck: Not necessarily used in the workplace, the Office Fuck adds a certain order to the act. First: the fuck has to be scheduled and noted on paper (in the daily planner for instance, palm pilots don't count since the secretary might not see it.) Second: It must be confirmed. This is done by a minimum of three phone calls or personal meetings. Third: It must be canceled at least twice and rescheduled by the hired help. Fourth: Let the games begin. I've never been a fan of the Office Fuck and prefer spontaneity, but many find this to be high sport. Extra points are given to those who accept advice from well meaning co-workers along the way. Trouble is most of us can get laid a dozen or more times before folks like this ever get around to it.
The Drunk Fuck: Not terribly difficult to explain, but often hard to live with the consequences. Often lost in an alcoholic haze, the Drunk Fuck is more widely known for the stories we hear afterwords. Waking up next to a stranger you wouldn't sick your dogs on is the most common.
The Jungle Fuck: Best explained by a member of the crew as "You're banging your head against the wall and don't care." It's different from the Bunny Fuck in that pace isn't the sole issue. Stoke strength must be forceful to the point of shock, and for this is much favored by those in a frenzy. A hard fuck on the furniture, it is immensely satisfying just the same. Jungle Fucks tend to litter the house with broken chairs, beds, tables, and counter tops. In my experience I've been known to be hard on doors which tend to get ripped off the hinges. Sheetrock, and wood paneling have also fallen to the floor during a Jungle Fuck. But the all time champ came from a crewman who first ruined the trunk of his car, then ripped off the hood with his bare hands so they might continue (bad year for rust in that year of Ford.) Another member of the crew pulled a limb six inches in diameter off a tree during a Jungle Fuck. Fun stuff. But let the kiddies play.
The Dark Fuck: This is something often kept behind closed doors. Bloodletting and ritual dominate much of the Dark Fuck. While I've never been partial to it, I know some who are. Looking at them you'd never know.
The Biker Fuck: I've done this but once, but it is a rush. I have an affinity for motorcycles and one day a technique was described to me that I just had to try. Strip down your woman and lay her facing you on the gas tank. Enter her and gun the engine. Hit the breaks a few times and gun the engine again. It takes concentration not to wreck, but it's a rush. If you intend to try the Biker Fuck please be careful. In all seriousness this is very dangerous, but having her legs wrapped around me while she rocked her hips that night was... Both of you MUST CONCENTRATE not to lay down the bike.
There is more but I'll get to it later. If there are some grievous omissions please fill me in.
6/10/2006 8:12 am
These are too funny, not funny Haha, but funny good.|
I'll never remember them ... I need a copy
warm wishes 2ya
6/11/2006 5:08 am
Thanks. I know I'm exposing my technical inadequacies here, but how do I send you a copy? I know it can be done, but I'm at a loss.|