Ever wonder what a ZOMBIE wedding would be like?  

DorianVampire 38M
46 posts
10/22/2005 11:18 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Ever wonder what a ZOMBIE wedding would be like?

Hello again, I know I am way late on the profile rewrite but things came up. One of them I would like to share with yall.

Some chat friends of mine decided they wanted to get cyber married. For those unfamiliar the short version is if ya spend a heck of a lot of time in a community chat room, specifically talking to one person, then the family mentality of the community dictates that you potentially get cyber married. It is just a devotion gesture, and in no way legally binding.

Anyway I was asked to be the "preacher" (no laughing) for my friends service. We have known each other for ages so she felt that I was the best person to preform a service that "fit the mood". Now her tag in chat is Zombie, and she plays up that angle accordingly. She also DJ's a net radio station under that tag and plays mostly metal music........refrence Ozzy Osbourne's Zombie Stomp.

Anyway I thought I would share with you the fruits of my creative writing in that vein. Remember this is written from the perspective of a evil preacher, as if I were standing in front of a congragation. I will add scene notes to help you better understand what is going on...

It should be noted that the wedding involves two women, and that the service itself is not traditional and may be constrewed as offencive to some people. You were warned!

Here we go...

(Before the official service begins)
Good evening one and all. As you take your seats there are a few announcements to be made before we begin. First off there will be no talking during the ceremony. Anyone guilty of open comment will be volunteered for next weekends "human sacrifice for beginners" mixer as the “entertainment”. As always we invite everyone to attend.

Immediately before the service begins we will be taking up a collection to aid the newly weds in starting there life together. After the service another collection will be passed for the “adopt an undead” program we sponsor. Were also accepting donations for several charities including “ the rainforest”, “grave robbers anonymous” and as always Hurricane Relief. Please remember contributions of money or body parts are greatly appreciated.

If you refer to your bulletin you will see that a special gift for all attendees was requested by the happy couple. After the wedding party has left the hall, all the sanctuary doors will be barred and multiple Cyclon B canisters will be dropped from the ceiling for you dying pleasure. Anyone immune to the affects of Cyclon B should speak to one of our ushers before the service to receive a personal dose of cyanide for use at the appropriate time.

Now if you will all take your seats, we will begin the death march in just a few moments.

(Beginning of actual service)
Vile creatures of the underworld and radio patrons, we are gathered here today to celebrate the fiendish union of these two sycophants in the tortures of unholy matrimony. Let us pause and reflect on the meaning of such a disturbing commitment. All of us have in some way found our lives damaged by the two young lovers before us. We each have seen them grow from their formative evil adolescence into the insidious creatures that we now congregate to honor. Neither demon nor spectral entity can deny that the they have matured to become the most repugnant examples of hellish damnation ever afforded this sad world.

It is on this day that we must openly rejoice. For individually these two depraved beings represent much that we all one day aspire to become. Together they will forever be remembered as the most vicious pairing of abominable souls this world will ever know. Join me now in wishing all their endeavors are touched by eternal darkness and appalling hatred. Let us pray their walk through the bowels of creation will always be nurtured by the Devil herself. May she guide them through the trials and tribulations of the abomination we now undertake. Let the masses say “Amen”.

If there is any among you that has cause for these two corpse’s not to wed please raise you hands at this time. This will make it easier for the snipers in the balcony to find you.

(Beginning of the vows)
As the shackle bearer comes forth with the device, I shall begin the inquisition.

Zombie... Do you solemnly swear to despise your partner, cause her excruciating pain, break her will, and condemn her spirit? Do you promise to forever rot, moan, drool, limp, fester, claw, and foam at the mouth like the corpse this woman deserves? Do you pledge your devotion to her continued anguish from now until the day you eat her brain, so help you Cthulhu?

Evil... Do you solemnly swear to detest your partner, immolate her flesh, strangle her ambition, and sodomize her soul? Do you promise to bitch, moan, nag, rag, berate, infuriate, and beast fuck this woman for all time? Do you devote your every fiber to her unending punishment from now untill you crucify her, so help you Cthulhu?

(Closing form and statements)
As your chains are attached and your collars bolted it is my horror and privilege to pronounce you Wife and Wife in the eyes of the Dark Lord.

You may now tongue the corpse! I ask everyone to join me in gawking as the married now consummate this union upon the alter before me. (Just kidding yall!)

As the happy couple and her party leave the sanctuary I would like to thank you all for bearing witness to these proceedings. Your patronage was most appreciated. Remember to die screaming and please... Enjoy the GAS!!!

Thought yall might get a kick out of that!

Thomas Dos Santos


CREAMYPUDDLES 53F
108 posts
10/22/2005 11:32 am

oh wicked! Thank you for sharing, and perfect time of the year.


MsLoveRose 33F  
2432 posts
10/23/2005 8:29 pm

ummmm...to be honest i have had a dream about something similar!!! i think if someone caught it like...at the wrong time...they would think they were not in reality!!!

live more, laugh often, love much


bella_ 47F
4030 posts
10/25/2005 6:30 pm

Signore Dos Santos....I don't want a zombie marriage...that sounds more like my average relationship!


rm_ronin209 45M

10/26/2005 5:01 pm

Oh lord, that brings back memmories. Thanks, Dorian. Ahh for the good old days. Chains, leather, knives and mortal souls. Long live dark fantasy!
Would love to see you write a story.


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