My Own Abyss  

Divinitydesires 46F
4872 posts
12/18/2005 3:56 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

My Own Abyss

Reading, ATLnoonerBoy’s blog, I’ve discovered that he’s right. Yes, babe, your right. In reference to [post 166361] I have discovered the dark feelings of the abyss, which have toyed in my life lately. Well for the last few weeks. It hit me rather hard yesterday when the ex announced that we would never get back together. Even though it’s a sigh of relief for me, I still can’t help but feel that hint of rejection. In reflection of the ten-year marriage, I can see that the marriage ended years prior and it was I who was lingering in it blindly. When I entered into my own abyss I did so out of anger. The fact that I was ignored and then accused of things that are against my very nature, then suppressed into what he deemed worthy as a wife, I can honestly say I’m glad I stepped forward. I’m glad I found my anger and let it swell and then let it out in one final battle. I’m glad I am working my way through the abyss. It is a very lonely feeling and one of self-discovery. *smiles completive* I know more about myself right now, then I did a year ago.

I can honestly say that I’m enjoying my abyss, even though I have confusing feelings of stress, loneliness and bitterness stirring deep inside me, I know they are only temporary. My joy stems from knowing that I am free now. Free to go shopping and buy a bra without having to explain why I need it. Free to go swimming because I enjoy it. Free to talk to men and flirt and know nothing will come of it. Free to write without being interrupted. Free to read without being called names. Free to visit my family without being questioned on why. I am free of from being suppressed, free from being mentally tormented. I suppose every marriage has it’s abuse, one way or another and I have to say I actually wish I had silkysmoothlegs3’s in reference to [post 171597]. I am not trying to make light of her abuse, and I’m sorry silky, if I have offended you by mentioning this. But I had seen my mother abused when I was younger and knew I would never want to be hit. I had often wished he had hit me so my reasons for leaving would have been accepted by the strong Christian community that I live in. Now I hear and have suffered through remarks, as “Suck it up, it’s not that bad” or “What’s wrong with him? He’s a good man.” Or “You either shut up and put up or you move on. For me I shut up, I think you should do the same.” All very narrow-minded comments and all entrapping me as a woman into being unhappy and dwelling in an existence that is unhealthy for my family and I.

My 14 year old recognizes the signs of abuse that were in our home and for a time used them to gain an advantage to get what she wanted. Now she questions me and knows my pain when she sees tears swelling in my eyes. Last night she saw those tears as the abyss started to surround me once more and question if it was ‘dad’. I couldn’t tell her the truth and condemn him to her. She loves and adores him and that’s the way it should be. I simply told her that it’s all a bit overwhelming and the strong urge to move is starting to creep slowly into my thoughts. The community I live in has condemned my actions and I am starting to feel the financial backlash of their gossip. It stings. But I am not one to sit back and enjoy the ride. I am one who creates the ride. I am a planner and a thinker… a mover and a shaker… as my mom always told me “time to get back up on that horse and teach it whose boss.” *Sighs* she’s right.

Anyways, I’m fine my friends of blogland. I just needed to write down my abyss feelings. My posts might be a little dark over the next few days. But my abyss will NOT consume me. I am who I am and I know I like to be happy far more than live in the abyss.

Thank you for reading my thoughts…

caressmewell 53F

12/18/2005 5:50 pm

Hey sis, you know that I'm here.

silkysmoothlegs3 105F

12/18/2005 6:45 pm

It will be dark
but sharing with us that know how you feel will help
Let it out here or not...
we are here to listen to share and ive learned this last while
we are here to love

hugs u tight
silky xxxxxxxxxxx

rm_Ptalk1155 34M
3450 posts
12/18/2005 9:04 pm

We talked about it already, I think. So you know...

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
12/19/2005 1:34 am

Just breathe through it and remember that this to shall pass. You'll come out of the other side stronger. Keep your chin up and remember that you are surrounded by endless love and support here. All you have to do is call out and hundreds of hands will reach to help you.

rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
12/19/2005 3:31 am

The stream of thought flows on; but most of its segments fall into the bottomless abyss of oblivion. Of some, no memory survives the instant of their passage. Of others, it is confined to a few moments, hours or days. Others, again, leave vestiges which are indestructible, and by means of which they may be recalled as long as life endures. William James

If you read my latest and my earliest posts you will find my perspective on facing this particular abyss. It is the vestiges which can harden you beyond caring or make you very real and balanced. The path is one of choice. But it does not have to be walked alone.

dasher121 36M

12/19/2005 4:42 am

dont ever let the weightless thoughts of others confuse your mind. you know in your own heart and soul what is right for you. those criticizers who tell you "to shut up or put up, and i put up" hide behind their own narrow minded ideals to mask what is really happening to them, to hide what they feel out of fear of change. they will never be truely happy. Is that the life that you want to lead?
embrace your freedom, move on with yourself, and in the will find happiness, that i am sure of. the road can be long and dark, and very frightening at times. but when you reach the other end, it will be SO worth it. keep your wits and your kindness about you Divinity, you are a great person, and as I always say, "Good things happen to great people." you just have to take the time to find yourself and the happiness that follows.

AnEnigma517 59M

12/19/2005 5:44 am

I really can't relate in exactly the same way, but I've been in that abyss, too. My marriage, first and only (no kids), ended a year and a half after it started... and that was 20 years ago. Like you, the marriage most likely stopped moving long before the judge signed the paper, even long before I had taken enough and moved out. Her abuse wasn't physical, and not so much mental either. Her abuse was spiritual... the differences in our respective faiths (her being Baptist, me being Lutheran) never bothered her before we got married, but apparently it bothered her long line of Baptist kin after we were married. I couldn't and wouldn't fit into their mold or perception of the Perfect Christain Husband, and she couldn't (or wouldn't) let go of the literal meaning of the 4th Commandment: Honor thy Father...

But, water over the dam. I'm happy in the skin I'm in... Lutheran "heathen" if they so choose to believe... and I know I've been richly blessed by the same God they worship. And that's all that matters to me.

For you, though... take care of yourself and those adorable children first... trust in your own Higher Power and inspirations, and everything else will fall nicely in place, in due time.

toothysmile 50M
16514 posts
12/20/2005 12:08 am

This is a wonderful post. Very personal. I can almost see you as I 'm reading this...
...and the abyss has so many lessons to teach us...

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