How Many Chances Does It Take???  

Divinitydesires 46F
4872 posts
2/27/2006 8:06 pm

Last Read:
3/6/2006 9:52 am

How Many Chances Does It Take???

I had come to the conclusion that my marriage was long over way before I knew it. It was late last year when I realized it and now I'm moving on. I have a new job, new set of friends, and will be moving in the next few months. My life is now changing into something I enjoy living once again.

There always seems to be a monkey wrench thrown into the mix of things to make me stumble.

What could it be?

I called the soon to be 'ex' and told him that by the middle of April I would be putting our seperation on paper and filing for divorce and I wanted him to decided if he still wanted to keep visitation the way it was or decrease it since I was moving and it meant more travel time for him.

His reply...

"I've been thinking, we should get back together."



Is this something I want?

Well...

No.

And I told him that tonight...

"I will never live the way I have this last year."

"I understand that. But I would like to take you to dinner and apologize."

"When I calm down from being so angry with you I might think about it." (okay I'm ignoring the thought of 'you bastard, why aren't you apologizing to me every day with fresh flowers ~ that is the way to my heart ~ calling me as if we are dating, bending over backwards to help me instead of being so anal about needing a extra day without the kids, etc... etc... etc...' Oh yeah, I could have ripped him a new one, but kept it simple. Assholes only do one thing... shit.)

And this is why I can't do it...

I gave him a second chance and he stabbed me in the back, not once, not twice but over and over. Until one day, I put my foot down and I said no more. I yelled that day. I hate yelling. I hate being that upset. But I was done being treated like crap, shit, below human standards, not good enough to be dirt. Mental abuse is harsh!

I won't go into all that was done to me but I was hurting, extremely depressed and it has taken me until now to creep out of that and get back to normal. I feel really good about myself and all that I'm doing. I am doing the right thing.

I don't want to take him back. I will never love because of him. I even told him that tonight. I told him that because of him I would never love again because love isn't real for me. Never has, never will. I don't even know what he could do that I would even consider the thought. Right now, there is nothing...

There is only so much hurt a person can endure through and am I fool enough to hurt again. NO!


Sorceror07 54M

2/27/2006 8:41 pm

i feel your pain... i've been through similiar

i'd rather endure physical pain instead!

...That which does not kill me merely pisses me off!...


KC_JJ 54M

2/27/2006 9:10 pm

Hi Divinity,

I think you are entirely correct in all that you say that you feel and that you have done concerning this issue. If this guy is only starting to get a clue now that he might be missing something about you then it's way too late for him to expect you to seriously consider what he's offering. Stick to your guns on it because no matter how he might claim to have changed you will find yourself back in same old crap situation with him again if you go back to it. And then you'll hate yourself even more for having done that.

I don't even think this guy has a clue who really are on the insides but it isn't yet clear to him that at this point that you are now someone different than he knew before. I mean who you are was always there but he never got to know that person only the diffilculties you two had together forced this newer and much more empowered you to take command and emerge in a way that you never had done before.

That's who he doesn't now know but thinks he does and almost doesn't have a right to in an inimate way as he had all the opportunity in the world to really know you deeply but obviously never took it.

And this is probably just the lesson he needs to possibly get to a point where he might not make this same mistake again. I do beleive he'd still make that same mistake again with you though as he could all too easily fall back into all the autopilot modes of his that would easily be reactivated if you give another go at it.

In that regard you could condsider not going back to him an act of of both love and goodwill on his part for the act contains within it a valuable lesson that at some point he may actually reap the benefits of in a relationship with someone else.

And I know that in the bigger picture you must actually care for him and his overall well being since that is also a factor which contributes largely to the overall well being of your children.

The clouds of all tragic situations contain within them a silver lining of eventual good benefit. While often hard to see at the start of them you have begun to see yours now begin to emerge. And for your ex's part, his silver lining is still in seed form contained within your determination to put the nails into the coffin of your marriage.

Anyways I hope you do what you feel is the right thing to do in this case and that it all goes the way you'd like it to the most.

MMM [ MMM


im_curious_4u 50M

2/27/2006 9:13 pm

You'll love again sweetie. The next time you'll be a bit wiser is all.


frangipanigal 45F
10406 posts
2/27/2006 9:18 pm

I have been there (still am a little) and can feel your pain.

Stay strong and do NOT go back!! You are a better person than that..FULLSTOP!

Frangi x


caressmewell 53F

2/27/2006 9:42 pm

You know what I think..that you are making the right decision, to move along without him.


methodman1000 40M
1775 posts
2/27/2006 10:45 pm

you will definitely love again ,give yourself time love will always find it way into your heart..


elbman 41M  
2566 posts
2/27/2006 11:50 pm

"I will never love because of him."........

You will because I could tell it in your voice........maybe not him but you have a desire to be happy in your own life and please the one that can bring happiness to you. That will be a lucky individual.


fantasylover_05 62M

2/28/2006 4:57 am

Dearest Divinity

I am truly happy for you in beginning to find your own happiness!

The future will be what it will be... no need to worry about that now... you have the present to deal with and moving your life forward.....

You are a very good woman... and I believe in you!!

You go get em girl!!!


HeardLankaMalls 55M
2925 posts
2/28/2006 5:56 am

DD,

It sounds like you've made up your mind, and that's half the battle (in my opinion). And by recognizing his attempt at reconciliation, and what it would mean for you, you've taken a further step forward. Just don't be too quick to give up on love. If it comes, fine, and if not, it sounds like you're ready for that too.

Hugs,
C


rm_clitoral_man 51M
605 posts
2/28/2006 6:20 am

Wow, great comments and advice from all above!

"I will never love because of him"...For what it's worth...No Div, it's all the more reason that you should love again...love heals, love overcomes, love brings peace...you are too good of a person not to love again, and you deserve real love and to love again...I don't think any of your friends believe that you won't love again, and you shouldn't either.


rm_martin5145 53M
1 post
2/28/2006 9:48 am

dont be so hard on yourself. you have taken the hardest step the first one. give it time, learn to enjoy yourself again.


mygmyg 59M

2/28/2006 12:50 pm

DIVINE ONE, 100% behind you, (What a Sight!!! MUAH !!) YOU Deserve and should demand only the best for YOURSELF. Open the door, Hell, kick it in and walk thru to the life and times that make YOU happiest and content!!

YOU are an INTELLIGENT, Thoughtful, Caring, STUNNING Lady, YOU posess the strength and will power to accomplish whatever your heart and mind DESIRE, draw on your inner strength and Proceed forward with Your LIFE. Share when YOU want and NEED to, with whomever should be so fortunate to be "CHOSEN" by YOU!!!

YOU ARE YOUR FUTURE !!!!


MaggiesWishes 60F

2/28/2006 3:03 pm

Miss Divinity ~~

Love will come and steal your heart, no matter how you try to hide it. AND it's a good thing. Hurt is the healing part of loveing, and it's also the "point" that we know, we loved.
WE all deserve to know the best of that emotion. Don't count it out just yet.

Also, there's nothing wrong in wiping the slate clean, starting over with a "brand new attitude", babe!
warm wishes
maggie


TTigerAtty 62M

2/28/2006 3:30 pm

DD ... I don't know your marital relationship and even if I did, I would not presume to be able to advise you. A thought that I did not see offered in the foregoing comments is this ... Take this problem to the LORD in prayer and after a period of praying for guidance, the answer will come to you. HE will speak to you, and then you will know what you must do. And then, you will also be at peace with your decision. All the best!


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
51F

3/1/2006 9:55 am

So many men try this ..when it goes on paper..and the kids custody is involved..

Guard your heart well...lena on friends..keep busy...

*hugs*

TTFN


rm_happysting 76M

3/1/2006 1:17 pm

Hi Divinity, I understand you well, I had similar experience....Let the monkey wrenching, but dont change your decision. Persist!!! you'll see how your window opens wide very soon. Be happy, you deserve it


rm_Sylent72 44M

3/1/2006 3:46 pm

It is good to vent...in my opinion I have come to the conclusion that "the heart wants what the heart wants." I am in a situation where I have given all and am just exhausted. All you ask for in return is consideration. Do something in return that says I love you and care for you. Even if it is just saying I love you. You are in the right direction. Dont let all the different negative feelings shake you. Keep walking in the direction you have chosen and don't change paths. Einstin said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Do something different! I want you to know you have touched me. It sux when things don't work the way they are suppose too.


shooter95667 49M

3/4/2006 8:29 pm

Ok, first of all congratulations on making a stand. Anyone who has been in that situation knows how hard it can be. But I encourage you not to give up on love. Just because he didn't treat you right doesn't mean that no one will. I assure you, there are plenty of us huys that know how to and enjoy treating women like the princesses they are. Give it time, then give us a chance. Don't go looking for it, just let it find you. You never know where it will come from or when it is going to find you....


multimania 47M
6 posts
5/1/2006 3:37 am

Hello, I've been stalking you... Uh... Reading your blog. Yeah. That's it. I've been reading your blog. Honestly I wish more women had half of what you appear to have going for you. We all have our skelletons in the closet. Hell, I've got two in my back yard, and I'm RENTING. No. Just kidding. I like to "BREAK IN" to someones blog and really be noticed. All kidding aside. I know a thing or two about what broken hearts, lost loves and having to start over. Can you do it again? Do you want to?

In all the years of therapy "to be a better person", have more "realistic expectations". All the terms fly around way too easily: Co-dependent, independent, self empowerment, femenism had a great start but in my experience has become an excuse to become the abuser. All the stuff above had one thing in common. It was ALL supportive of YOU. Nobody made them. They are the Jury who decided you were interesting as hell, have a lot going for you and NO ONE wants to see you suffer. TONS of strangers have gravitated towards you, they like you, want good things for you. NOT to say one should base their worth on others BUT they are a BETTER "OUTSIDE" indication of just how truely valuable you are. WELL DONE!

Too bad for Beavis that he couldn't see it. All the talk about whether you should leave or not while well intended doesn't really do anything for you. Back to the point. I've found TWO things of true value on my path. Get the first one. Get rid of the second one. ONE guy hit the first one. GOD! The second is SHAME(its all about shame!) NO SHIT. Just about every problem you can think of has a basis in shame.

Honestly there wasnt a thing in the World wrong with your marriage. Not one. THE PROBLEM IS OUR PERSONAL SHAME and how it makes us interact with others, ourselves, and what we let others get away with. Think about it. People kill themselves over shame. You ever heard of anyon so in love they killed themselves? So angry they killed themselves? So sad they killed themselves? Depressed yes. Sad no. So shamed they killed themselves. YOU BETCHA!!! Depression being anger turned inwards because you were shamed as a child for having anger. Any way some will disagree and I'm sure they mean well but this is NOT my opinion. It's right on.

I'm sure there are tons of books out there that can help but I found one that is a very simple read and doesn't make you feel like shit when you read the things YOU DO. Thing is most of us do these. Part of it is that loss of community in the industrialized world.

I'm going to shut up now. The book will apply to every single person you know. It's an older book by

Shame and Guilt
Masters of Disguise 1990
by, Jane Middleton-Moz
ISBN 1-55874-072-4

Also a small book on boundries called; Boundries Where you end and I begin 1991. By Anne Katherine I haven't read it yet but have heard good things.

Dont worry about perfect, co-depenency or anything else. This book is going to be an amazing OH SHIT! Just because you get it doesn't mean jr. will. You can't save him. But you can save yourself.

I don't mean to school you in any way. I'm trying to give you a gift. Understanding these things have been the best things I learned yet.

BTW. I love your stories and your "Secret Spot" Describes my technique to a T. BUT you are missing a few things that can turn it from "wow!" to "where the fuck you thing you're going? Get back here and do that again."

Take care
Rick multimania

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