Attempts at Sex  

Divinitydesires 46F
4872 posts
10/27/2005 6:49 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Attempts at Sex

I can honestly say that in the last year I have had sex 6 times... in a 12 month period I have had it 6 times. I'm repeating myself for a reason. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. Yes I can. It's the reason why I write erotic stories, relieve the tension. And out of that 6 times I have asked for it. Yes, literally begged for it. (He is now considered my 'ex')

Anyways... I found this and couldn't resist in sharing it. This doesn't belong to me, I snaked it from somewhere else, but I could help but laugh. And just so you everyone knows.. the Dearest hubby one is the best!!!!

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

PawPr1nt 51M
133 posts
10/27/2005 7:55 pm


Reminds me of a joke we Brits have...

What is australian pillow-talk?

'You awake, Sheila?'

Blame Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson for it all, I say

rm_funteamcpl 81M/57F

10/27/2005 8:07 pm

This was great reading thanks for sharing. Had a great laugh, will get my husband to read it some time I'm sure he will enjoy it to!


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