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A little slice of what makes me
A little slice of what makes me
Well what can I say the love of my life left me over a year ago. I thought I had found my soulmate, ive been through hell. I’ve hated, loved, and cried been confused. Depression and the contemplation of much darker things have festered in my mind.
So tell me this why would a person who you loved and for a time loved you would turn around and say you’re not good enough for them? I can’t think of a more hurtful comment. Yes I know what your thinking and I’ve already heard it from many. (No she wasn’t good enough for you) well it don’t work as simple as that because when the one you trusted and gave your unconditional love to remarks this you have the tendency to believe. Nothing anyone can then say will change your view.
So the downward spiral begins of self-doubt till you feel that you have nothing left to offer anyone and refuse to even contemplate other women for fear of being ripped apart and your very fabric of morality is thrown into the gutter for the rats to feast upon.
Another thing I couldn’t stop myself from doing is comparing and using a comparison checklist of all qualities my x had. She has been the only one who has ever come close to being a reflection of my own persona till that dreaded day came.
Since my separation the need to cross dress has re surfaced. I felt no need when I was with her. So why do it now?
Am I substituting her loss with my actions and the need to act dress and be a girl sometimes?
Or am I just truly being what I have always known and the traumatic year I have had has pushed it all to the surface?
I still ponder this and still cant draw a final conclusion, Maybe I’m just hoping that I can find the right girl on here and that my cross dressing would be also excepted. Have I thrown myself into the fire with my honesty and forwardness of being a real person on here and allowing all to see me for what I am?
I could take the safe bet and hide these urges and meet plenty of women. But then would I be happy in the knowing that I have a dress and not a skeleton in my closet. I suppose I could just say fuck it all I want is dirty filthy sex with no commitments.
Flip the coin that is my life, heads or tails? Women or man? Life is confusing just being one or the other let alone both. I need grounding before I float away. The secrecy is a torture to but thankfully a friend now knows. Shocked surprised, scared but thankfully glad that this person has accepted me for what I get up to has given me some solace and comfort, but nothing will give me peace till I’m at one with my own mind and fixed the broken connections of my heart, mind, body and soul that only a woman’s tongue could viciously sever.
I’m not bitter I miss her with all my heart. Every night I dread going to sleep as this is where we meet and always we are happy together. This is worst kind of torture waking up every morning, each day knowing its gone forever.
I don’t care if you read this and think I’m being soft or whatever. Its only a girl you might say? Well its true but how much are you willing to love?The higher the stakes the greater the lose and I play high and have fallen far.
Now I’m climbing back up each day the only trouble with falling as far as this is that its a long climb back to the pinnacle of where I was.
Shall I dare to soar so high again or shall I remain hovering close to the ground for fear of being burnt like Icaruss.
Thank u for reading my blog, rant self therapy what ever u make of it.
3/11/2007 5:23 pm
Hi Dee, I know its a while since you have written that but I thought it reflected what I was going through around 18 months ago. I guess a lot has changed for you in the last 8 months and you are fortunate that you secret has been shared with someone who stands by you (something I wish I could share). I have told myself that I never want to get into another relationship without them knowing my desire of CD/TV otherwise it WILL be a failure, maybe 1 year or 5 years down the line, but in it, the relationship wont be completely full, there will always be something missing. I didnt think much about my crossdressing when I was in my relationship but when looking back there was always something missing. |
You can soar high again and love another person just as much as you loved her, but maybe this time it will be someone who understands you for what you really are.
I hope you get what you want from life Dee.