|Blogs > Denver_Obsidian > Rantings of a Bastard Prince|
You know you
You know you
For all the rest of my days, I will never get used to Colorado weather. Take today, which started as a typical early Spring morning. I woke up in almost the middle of April to... a blizzard! As I type this, there's a 4-foot snowbank forming in my backyard, which seems juxtaposed to the fact that I spent yesterday morning at the park playing basketball in shorts. Don't get me wrong. The majestic view of the continental divide is incredible. It was this region - Pikes Peak to be exact - that inspired Katharine Lee Bates to write the song Oh Beautiful. But truth be told, that shit outside my window is not fit for man nor beast.
However, there is an upside to the weather. Now is the time to curl up inside thinking about that special love - or, in my case, the object of my obsession: snowboarding.
You know, people have already started asking me what a "snow-freak" or a "board-freak" is. It's just a label. It's one of those labels that doesn't have a clear definition - you can just point to someone and say "that guy", or "her". Problem is that we as human beings are hardwired to classify, and want our nice, neat little operational definitions for everything. Without a clear definition, you may be reading this thinking, "My God! Am I a snow-freak and don't even know it?!" No worries. BP has the 411 for your ass. Just as AdultFriendFinder gave us the Purity Test, I've compiled what I like to call the Rider's Personality Inventory. (RPI for short) If you're a snowrider, and want to truly know yourself, take this little self-assessment. You skiers will also notice that, although I snowboard, I've tried my best to make the test "skier friendly". If it still doesn't meet your approval, well... you can just get bent. I mean this supposed to be my personal musings; it's not like AdultFriendFinder is paying me to write this crap.
How to Tell You're a Snow-freak
1) Have you been riding in the black for at least a season? (Note: if you don't even know what "riding in the black" means, discontinue taking this test now. You've effectively failed the pre-screening)
2) Have you ever been both the first and the last one on the lifts on the same day?
3) Would your friends say it is a standard prerequisite to your friendship that someone know the meaning of at least 3 of the following terms: goofy-footed, normal-footed, nosepress, mogul, railjam, jib, boned-out, eggplant, McTwist, backside/frontside air?
4) Have you ever said something similar to this to a boss or coworker in complete sincerity: "I may be sick tomorrow; the snow report look awesome!"
5) After learning how to ride, did you decide to pick up a similar activity - i.e. skateboarding for snowboarders, or rollerblading for skiers - just to maintain your skills on the off season?
6) Have you ever experienced feelings of ecstasy upon receiving an inclimate weather report in your closest resort region?
7) Do you view snowriding genre material - magazines, videos, etc - on a regular basis?
If YES to question #7, have you ever been sexually aroused while viewing such material?
9) If YES to question #8, have you ever acted on these feelings through masturbation?
10) If YES to question #9, are you more inclined to do so while viewing snowriding genre material than pornographic material of a truly sexual nature?
11) Does your garage resemble the clearance rack at Christy Sports?
12) If you are a male, does the view of a woman stomping a perfect switch backside nose grab incite in you to a massive erection? If you're a woman, does the view of man stomping a perfect Cab 9 somehow enable you to achieve a massive erection?
13) Have you ever fantasized about having a kid just to have a future riding partner?
14) Have you ever fantasized about having a kid with your current riding partner?
15) Did you answer YES to the previous question knowing full well your current riding partner is of the same sex?
16) Have you already, or plan to in the future, ski/snowboard in another country?
17) For a quick fix, have you ever ridden your snowboard/skis down the street in your neighborhood after a couple feet of snow? In a blizzard? In traffic? on the wrong side of the road?
1 Do you wear your snowriding gear as general-purpose cold weather clothing on the street?
19) Do you wear your street clothes as snowriding gear?
20) Do you not wear clothing at all while snowriding?
21) Have you ever changed jobs because it infringed on your free time for riding?
22) Have you ever sustained a riding injury that required rehab and/or surgery? Did you continue riding the rest of the season despite this injury? Did you sacrifice and unblemished lamb, and call upon the name of the Egyptian God of Healing, Thoth, to heal you in your hour of need? Did he answer you?! (Whoa, dude! If you answered yes to all of this, you're into some scary, esoteric shit! Let me know when that alchemy thing starts working for you, and we'll get started on your stock portfolio.)
23) Does it seem to those around you that you, by some sort of ESP, know the mid-mountain depth of your top three ski resorts at all times?
So how did you do? Total up the score, giving yourself 1 point for each question you answered YES to. Items with multiple questions get 1 point for each YES.
0-4 Shameless Wannabe: Your a putrid waste of flesh, who, in taking this questionnaire, apparently has the unmitigated nerve to pose as a real rider. You have embarrassed yourself and brought dishonor to the name of your ancestors. BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT!
5-15 Jedi in Training: Ah. The force is strong with you young Skywalker, but you still have much to learn. Contemplate on this: If a man jerks
off in the woods, but no one is around to hear him, will he make the sound of one hand clapping?
16-25 Kings & Queens of the Ice Age: Booya, baby! That's what I'm talking about! I have nothing but love for my people. But beware. When I first entered the Army, I learned an old military saying that goes, "never share a foxhole with a man crazier than yourself." Translation:
tread lightly when riding with any of the twisted funks that scored in the next higher bracket.
26 or more Dementia Incarnate: You are a truly screwed up individual. You are sick... and wrong... and I love you for it! Keep doing your thing and the rest of us will try to catch up. And if you happen to be female, message me (Denver_Obsidian) immediately. You are my AdultFriendFinder dream date, and I want to begin making plans immediately for our lives together.
And to all, keep working on that 180 stalefish, and drop me a message on AdultFriendFinder if you're in the Colorado area next year and need a riding partner.