Late for Work  

DTand5Speed 41M/50F
201 posts
11/28/2005 5:12 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Late for Work

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love(?), asked, "What's your hurry?" She replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $105.00
Court Costs: $45.00
Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
52M
2642 posts
11/28/2005 5:53 am

FUCK!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!! Now I have Hot Tea all over the desk and computer....
THANKS!!!!! What a way to start Monday off... LMAO!!!!!!!!


kyplowboy22 61M

11/28/2005 6:17 am

Last time I said something like that to a cop, I got to eat balony sandwiches three times a day for three days (Labor Day Weekend 198?) AND pay the friggin fine and court costs. lmao Some people just have no sense of humor, ya know? Later

kpb

PS: Know what kind of birds don't fly??? Jailbirds!!!


bardicman 50M

11/28/2005 7:08 am

BAHAHAHAHA



I am not dead yet


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/28/2005 10:54 am

    Quoting Sizzle364:
    FUCK!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!! Now I have Hot Tea all over the desk and computer....
    THANKS!!!!! What a way to start Monday off... LMAO!!!!!!!!
Siz - lol, sorry. Had to pass this one along.


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/28/2005 11:01 am

    Quoting womenlooking4fun:
    ROFLMFAO...I am with Siz...which one of you is responsible for this????????? Jez
Jez - Mom sent this to me weeks ago...I'm just now getting around to cleaning out my mailbox. **sigh** Seemed perfect for a Monday morning post.


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/28/2005 11:02 am

    Quoting kyplowboy22:
    Last time I said something like that to a cop, I got to eat balony sandwiches three times a day for three days (Labor Day Weekend 198?) AND pay the friggin fine and court costs. lmao Some people just have no sense of humor, ya know? Later

    kpb

    PS: Know what kind of birds don't fly??? Jailbirds!!!
KPB - Thankfully, I LOVE balogna!


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/28/2005 11:03 am

Bardic - do I sense sarcasm in that bahahahaha? **evil stare**


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/28/2005 11:04 am

    Quoting silhouette2005:
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA very good, and even before my morning coffee!
Sil - Thank you for not spewing...I'm still cleaning Siz's mess up from earlier. **eyeroll**


barbiebunny 36F
5597 posts
11/28/2005 2:33 pm

LOL u know...why do i think 5er really did this

Its good to be...ME


norprin5 55M

11/28/2005 3:28 pm

great...now i've got a visual of a 6-ft asshole

King Nor XVIII


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/28/2005 3:34 pm

OMG... for a second there I thought you had spoke those words of wisdom to the cop...LOL...I loved it....don't care who said it...just damn straight up loved it. Funny as all get out.

Hey KP...have you ever had "ground" bologna sandwiches? If you have a meat grinder...take a package of bologna, a handful or so of saltine crackers....put 'em both thru a grinder....mix in a little pickle relish, mayonaise or Miracle whip... (we use Miracle whip)...just as if your making tuna salad...except it's bologna... Now that's some good sandwich stuff...right there...yep. It really is for all you peeps out there lookin at this and saying "eewwwwww"... lol.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
11/28/2005 4:21 pm

Damn...wish I had this Thanksgiving night. If I have to hire a lawyer, pay a fine and go to court in the podinky town in Carolina...then I should have made it really worth it. Maybe I could use it on the judge??

Great to see you both back again. You've been missed.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


kyplowboy22 61M

11/28/2005 8:19 pm

Slide-next time I get locked up, I'll be sure to ask the jailer for some pickles and Miracle Whip. It'll probably be a miracle if he don't whip my ass. lol Be kinda afraid to ask for a meat grinder in there, too...no tellin who they might send in.roflmao.

kpb


slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
11/28/2005 10:39 pm

KP... I hope and pray you don't ever get locked up again...never, never, never.... cuz your too special...all though you might try writing your way out of it... you know you have a special gift.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/29/2005 11:37 am

    Quoting barbiebunny:
    LOL u know...why do i think 5er really did this
Bunz - see what he's done to me? **sigh**


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/29/2005 11:38 am

    Quoting norprin5:
    great...now i've got a visual of a 6-ft asshole
lmao Nor - uh huh.


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/29/2005 11:42 am

    Quoting slidein2meplz:
    OMG... for a second there I thought you had spoke those words of wisdom to the cop...LOL...I loved it....don't care who said it...just damn straight up loved it. Funny as all get out.

    Hey KP...have you ever had "ground" bologna sandwiches? If you have a meat grinder...take a package of bologna, a handful or so of saltine crackers....put 'em both thru a grinder....mix in a little pickle relish, mayonaise or Miracle whip... (we use Miracle whip)...just as if your making tuna salad...except it's bologna... Now that's some good sandwich stuff...right there...yep. It really is for all you peeps out there lookin at this and saying "eewwwwww"... lol.
Slide - There are 3 policeman in our family...I'd LOVE for one of them to pull me over so I could blurt this out.

PS - the bologna recipe sounds like something I woulda ate when I was pregnant, lol.


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/29/2005 11:46 am

    Quoting impish_pixie:
    Damn...wish I had this Thanksgiving night. If I have to hire a lawyer, pay a fine and go to court in the podinky town in Carolina...then I should have made it really worth it. Maybe I could use it on the judge??

    Great to see you both back again. You've been missed.
Impish - NO!!! Don NOT repeat this to the judge, lol.

PS: Glad someone's missed us. **glares at T**


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/29/2005 11:50 am

**whistles while KPB and Slide chat**


kyplowboy22 61M

11/29/2005 1:00 pm

DT-forgive me, just when I look into those bright blue eyes of hers, I forget where I'm at. lol

kpb


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/29/2005 3:42 pm

    Quoting kyplowboy22:
    DT-forgive me, just when I look into those bright blue eyes of hers, I forget where I'm at. lol

    kpb
KPB? Slide? have I missed something? Hmm????


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/29/2005 3:44 pm

    Quoting rm_36specialk:
    I'm gonna get in so much trouble for laughing at cops now!!!! Thanks a lot guys...Are you gonna come bail me out? Funny funny
36 - I know what you mean. Funny thing is, this was sent to my Mom by an officer. Go figure.

Pssssssssst...you can just share a cell with us. I think I have CB on retainer for bail purposes.


rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
11/29/2005 4:50 pm

LOL gawd i miss you guys!


ThumbChickStool 33F

11/29/2005 6:31 pm

Here I am!! DT said she missed me. Left a quick little note in my blog since she was concerned. Alert the authorities!

native


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/30/2005 5:17 am

    Quoting rm_sj365:
    LOL gawd i miss you guys!
SJ - We're still here!!! **hugs**


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

11/30/2005 5:19 am

    Quoting ThumbChickStool:
    Here I am!! DT said she missed me. Left a quick little note in my blog since she was concerned. Alert the authorities!

    native
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where the hell have you been???!!! I was worried sick!!! I'll scold you properly later...just glad you're back. **hugs**


methodman1000 40M
1775 posts
11/30/2005 10:24 am

lmbao.....missed you guys


Efilnikufecin69 47M

12/1/2005 8:08 am

Oh, now that was QUALITY! Good stuff!


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

12/2/2005 11:33 am

Method - shouldn't that be "lmbdo?"


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

12/2/2005 11:36 am

So glad to bring you a chuckle during this pissy time you're having. Plenty more to come... (laughs, not pissy moments)


rm_corezon 53F
3376 posts
12/2/2005 4:55 pm

Another too funny! This one I gotta memorize and add to my joke "repertoire"!


DTand5Speed 41M/50F

12/3/2005 3:31 am

Thanks Corezon...I love this one!


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