|Blogs > DJCubanB > Further Randomness|
Some time has passed, and I have begun to get a trickle of interest, here and there, from various women.
I'm wondering: what am I looking for here?
It was only just recently that my engagement fell apart. Well, almost a year and a half ago, but it still feels recent. When that happened, I spontaneously reviewed my life - especially the romantic angle - and came to two simultaneous conclusions:
(1) I should only be involved with someone that I love;
(2) I should stop trying to find a person I love and instead hang loose for a while and enjoy myself with anybody I want to.
I know that's all 'mutually-exclusive' 'n' shiznit, but hey, the impossible is how I swing.
I'm torn between those two objectives, to some degree, and feel weird about it. On the one hand, I want to be with someone in the romantic capacity; on the other, I just want to play around and have some fun, 'cause that's something I've never actually done before.
All of my life, up until now, it's been plugging away at trying to have this serious relationship with a person, making it work and 'locking down' that portion of my life or something. I wanted to have a relationship to say that I had a relationship, like checking off another box on some sort of life-goals checklist.
Now, the desperation behind that isn't there any more. I've got all I need, and I don't feel this impulse, this urge, to lock it all down.
So for the first time, I can play around. Only: I don't know how, or where, to begin. It's entirely new.