Another year without him  

CuteAZguy27 39M
2154 posts
6/9/2005 11:06 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Another year without him

At the age of 21, 2 months before i turned 22...the same month as fathers day, exactly 5 years ago and 1 week to this day (i wanted to post this a week ago, but it was to hard) my father was killed by a drunk driver.....

Growing up to the age of 12 i wanted to model my dad...i looked up to him big time, at the age of 13 i was drinking coffee like dad...drinking it black (yuck, i thought, but i was a man..i was 13 ! )we went to the gym and played raquet ball, we rode mortercyles(and 4 wheelers) together..we were a father and son !...until i was 14, grabbed the wrong friends, started smoking pot and drinking, staying out late, not coming home...I wasnt wrong, my folks are, hey - im 14 ! (you know the youth retaliation stuff)

I graduated highschool when i was 18 and moved out that same day as recieving my diploma, and for years dad was trying his best to bond and then left me alone at times, and then tried again and so forth, well one day something clicked, and we started talking and bonding rapidly, we started doing stuff again, i was having a blast, dad being on the bowling leauge for years taught me to bowl from a low score of 50ish, to a high score of 180ish ! Our communication just blossomed, and i would get into a pattern of arriving in the morning to drink coffee with dad and we chat of various things...

Now as the 1rst paragraph explained i was 21 and at the time i worked in the kitchen as a Pantry chef at the casino, the boss yells "Cute" you got a phone call, make it quick, so i traught over to the phone and glance at the clock... 7pm sharp.. thinking who could it was my uncle ...he had a weak and disapointed voice he said " better come home, tell your boss its an emergency"..he didnt say anything i hung up the phone and left...45 minutes later reaching my uncles house, he meets me at the door, shuts it behind him, and tells me that dad was hit by a drunk driver, at first i was in denial...said " just left his house at 3pm, he was sleeping on the couch !"...uncle started crying and reality just all flooded in and i held him and cried

I closed myself in and wouldnt talk to anyone and was very quiet for months...and then an idea happened, what if i move out of state ! get away from it all...ill start over ! i did this lol...finding out that the problems of thought didn't stay at my home state....they followed

For years i thought i was the only one who knew the pain that i was going through, no one would understand that i missed him terribly, feeling guilty and wishing i could go back to my youth and change my rebellion for more bonding time, feeling that emptiness.....until 2 years ago i actually found a 9 week support group for those who lost loved ones, and i tell you what folks...people DID know what i was going through, people knew the pain, knew the emptiness, knew the struggle, im not alone !!!!!

I have to say it helped so tremendously, im a totally knew person inside out. When someone has a similiar situation i can hold them and tell them in their ear, that i KNOW what they are going through,and I am HERE for them and can cry with with them, an be a venting log for them...and somehow be an encouragement to them

Its another year that has come and gone already, and im already 27 and of course its about this time of month where my heart aches-- yet i am so much stronger then i was a few years ago......................................I love you dad....


rm_talldarkavg1 105M
10172 posts
6/9/2005 12:31 pm

Well done. No doubt he's smiling and proud.

[blog talldarkavg1]

Puurple_Passions 46M/39F
140 posts
6/9/2005 8:04 pm

wow! What a powerful entry! When reading I felt as if I was right there with you.... heartache and all. talldarkavg1 is right! No dout your father is proud of the man you've apparently become. I think I'd like to read more of your entries! Take Care,
~Passions~ (The F of the C)

duststormdiva 51F
6854 posts
6/9/2005 9:39 pm

I heard you tell me this story in person, and it touched me, but the type written story went into more detail. I truly am sorry for your loss. From what I know of you, I have to agree with talldarkavg1 and say that I KNOW your dad is smiling and proud.


CuteAZguy27 39M
1545 posts
6/10/2005 6:41 am

Thank you so much everyone (talldarkavg1 and purple passion and duststormdiva)for the encouragement, its most appreciated, i needed to vent a bit and just let it out thrue the blogging. I wasnt quite sure WHAT was to follow, if i would get any response at all. Thanks again and even for those who respond after this blog...have a great day !

cuteredhead83 33F
34 posts
6/11/2005 8:26 am

I am sorry about your dad. *hug*

oldschoolmetal 47M

6/12/2005 4:39 am

That sucks about your dad. Unfortunately, people don't understand how dangerous drinking and driving can be. I still have friends of mine that drink and drive and don't think of the consequences. The really messed up thing is that these are educated people that know better. They know it's dangerous. Educated doesn't always mean smart. I've made it clear that I'm available any time to pick someone up, but my phone has yet to ring.
On a lighter note: A 180 bowling average? I can only dream of that kind of average.

CuteAZguy27 39M
1545 posts
6/12/2005 2:00 pm

reaches over and gives cuteredhead83 a hug in return, you know how sometimes you dont realize how you much you needed that hug, until you recieved it, and then its like "Oh, i really needed that ! "

oldschoolmetal your right that allot of people don't know how drinking and driving can be, when this situation happened- i put down the bottle, and walked away and havent taken even a sip uncle (my dads brother) on the other hand, took a steep nose dive, and started drinking HEAVIER than he did before, family tried to tell him "look what your doing !" Yet he was to much in his own hole for him to want to listen to anyone. He eventually got out of it, but took a long time.

TB49er 40F

6/30/2005 10:46 pm

I wanted to say thank you. My sister as you know was also killed by a drunk driver. The interesting part is she turned 18 on June 9,2005. I miss her so much and it helps to know others who share in the pain of loosing someone....thank you.

CuteAZguy27 39M
1545 posts
7/1/2005 6:58 am

TB49er im so glad you took the strength to come this far and read this blog and be able to respond, i am so serious as i stated in your other post, if you EVER need an ear or a shoulder please let me know, ill drop everything i have to be there for you.


frbnkslady 48F
6183 posts
7/31/2005 9:39 pm

OMG, I am sooo sorry. I know how hard it is. I lost a good friend in high school. Idon't believe taht there is a single person out there who has not been touched my a drunk driver in 1 way or another.
My son, my friends.. anyone.. They all know they can call me when they need a ride. Place or time has no meaning.. especially if it means they will be there to see another day. T


yagottalikit 49F
583 posts
8/8/2005 3:12 am

ohsocuteguy! I want to apologize to you personally. I was a drunk driver in my younger days. I got caught (Thank God) instead of hurting or killing anyone! I still drink...but I refuse to drive after doing so. I am so sorry for your loss. I certainly hope that the drunk driver that changed your life forever was punished (no punishment would change reality, I know) and that he/she knows and remembers, every second of their remaining life, the lives they have destroyed and the joy they have stolen. I'm quite certain you have a very proud angel watching over you!

Yagotta get it soft and wet so we can kick/stick it

CuteAZguy27 39M
1545 posts
8/8/2005 6:19 am

yagottalikit-thank you for stopping by this blog and taking the time to read and post, personally this may sound odd,....i didn't want to know what happened to the drunk driver, if he went to jail, if he got a broken arm-or just dusted himself off and walking around society today. My family tried to tell me, yet i interupted them and wouldn't let them continue , why ? Cause i didn't want a burning anger for the driver for the rest of my life, or go beat him up on impulse if he was out and about. So as a choice, this is what i made. Does that make sense ?

frbnkslady-People who are only a phone call away is the reason society is larger as it is today. thank you.


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