Father Figure  

CuriousKitty675 41F
285 posts
9/16/2005 5:15 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Father Figure

No I'm not talking about the type that girls look for in some way to be thier daddy (or sugar daddy for that matter!). What I'm talking about is the positive influence of a male figure in a person's life.

You always hear about how it's bad for single moms who have sons that don't have positive male role models in thier lives. But why not about daughters having the same? Isn't it just as important?

I'd say it is. After all if a girl doesn't have a good example of what a real man should be like then how will she spot him later in life? Some might, after going through a lot of rough patches with the wrong guy of course. But most would just think that that is the way a man is supposed to be and the viscious cycle of unhappiness continues.

Despite the fact that my parents never divorced I can honestly say I have never had a positive male figure in my life. My father thinks that just because he doesn't hit my mother that he isn't abusive.

From my own experience I can honestly say that it's easier to recover and move on from a physical hit that from the mental and emotional abuse. That shit lasts for years. It takes forever to de-program yourself from that kind of crap.

My father doesn't seem to realize that all the years he has talked down to my mother, treated her like she was stupid, blamed her for every little thing that goes wrong that he has permanently scarred her and his daughters. (We weren't so lucky on the no hitting policy. In fact just a few weeks ago he went on one of his tyranical rants and drew his arm back with his hand in a fist and said "I oughta knock the shit out of you". I think I set him off balance when I looked him in the eyes and said flatly "It wouldn't be the first time.")

There's no hope for my mother. She is a programmed robot. She has been verbaly beaten down for so many years that she has come to believe it. My sister has always went for the alcoholic losers that are the same way. Even I managed to marry one of those type. (Though he had no problems hitting women but he did have problems when he encountered a woman like me that fought back and wouldn't cower. guess the crap from my childhood helped to toughen me up.) I got out of the marriage though and since I have been working on getting rid of the mental clutter and bullshit that the ex managed to slip into my mind. I get mad at myself for having allowed him to affect me so which just furthers the self loathing that he put in there.

I think I'm finally past the largest part of it. I know that I'm not the things he tried to implant in me that he wanted me to think I was. Of course I know that the only reason he did this is because of his own insecurity and his desire to make me dependant on him emotionally. He tried to isolate me from the world. To make me alienated from everyone and everything that came before him.

I can't help but think that if I had a good father figure that I could have avoided this man. I could have saw through his pretty lies at the begining and saw him for what he really was. I guess despite my fervent independance that I secretly had a need to feel wanted and needed and loved. Now that I'm older I realize that I still need these things. Everyone does. But I'm more than content to be alone until the right one comes along. I won't jump at the first person that flatters me with pretty lies.

I know my worth now. I know I can make it in life without someone by my side if I need to. Sure, it might be better to have someone there to help me on the path of life but it HAS to be the RIGHT person or else I'll solider on alone. I am not a co-dependant. I am not scared of being alone. I can make it. I will take my time and not rush into anything. If he doesn't have the time or patience to wait for me to be ready to commit then he isn't the one for me anyway.

(Juan S)
2642 posts
9/17/2005 3:33 pm

How about someone that flatters you with pretty TRUTH...

CuriousKitty675 41F
365 posts
9/18/2005 9:40 pm

Agoigo - Truer words were never spoken...er...written. So how come so many people can't see that simple truth? It boggles me.

Lioness - Sadly all us gals go through our 'bad boy' phase. Some of us are unfortunate enough to get stuck with them. My heart goes out to you. I've been in that situation and know what a horrible place it can be. I was naive about a LOT of things too when I met mine but boy did I get an education. Do you ever long for the simple innocent times again though? Wish you could see the world through those optimistic and innocent eyes again? Sometimes I do. But whatever doesn't kill ya right?

Sizz - Oh my darlin. You always know just what to say to put a smile on my face. Pretty truth is always welcome as is ugly truth. Truth above all is the best way to go. You know, I recently met a person that said she would rather someone lie to her so that she can be happy than to tell her truth that might upset her. Sheesh! Talk about your head-in-the-sand approach to life!

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