How deep do you want it?  

Choozmi 50M
746 posts
10/19/2005 11:25 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

How deep do you want it?


I try to find something positive in every relationship I have, no matter how deep it goes or doesn't go.

I've been involved in several situations, however, that I concluded were not going to go as deep as I wanted (she was never going to fall in love with me, or she was never going to let herself fall in love with me -- they amount to the same thing) and I had to let go of those completely: no "just friends", no contact, no nothing. Did I come to need or depend on these women? Not exactly, but I wanted things that they didn't.

I evaluate every potential relationship on a case-by-case basis. Some people I can fall in love with, some I can be very attracted to but nothing deeper, and some I only want to be friends with. I won't know how I feel until I meet the person in question.

The wonderful thing about AdultFriendFinder is that it has sort of liberated me to say to a potential partner, "I probably won't fall in love with you, but I still find you very attractive and like you a lot. What do you say to that?"

In the past I wouldn't have dared to approach a woman on that basis because I would have been afraid of insulting or angering her.

Any thoughts?

BBSOUTHERNGURL 45F
62 posts
10/19/2005 1:34 pm

First of all for me anyway..if I was your potential partner and you told me that you probably won't fall in love with me, but you still find me attractive and you like me alot...would definately insult me, would hurt my feelings..it would make me feel as though ok something about me just does not click with you, but you like my sex. Hmmmm I probably would not be your partner anymore. But you have a vareity of women on here that is only looking for that casual partner. Just how do you know?...if your attracted to that person and you like them how do you know? you want fall in love... I mean is it an on and off switch, is it that easy to just turn off all emotions even if sex is involved. I never could understand the concept of.. I want to be just friends, BUT I want to have sex with you when I want it. I guess for me its hard because I can't have sex with someone and just be there friend. Although you have many women out there that do everyday. What happened to the lets get to know each other part before sex?? I'll tell you what happened men are so accustomed to telling a women just what she wants to hear wether or not they are really interested in you, just so they can get you in the bedroom. Then once they do its over that drive and push to make you feel special is gone cause they got what they wanted, but in the process they already figured out that this was not going to be the women for them. SO then why try?? Why take it on to the bedroom?? why not leave it alone!! and find something that you might think will be a sure thing even after the sex. Anyways sorry got off the beaten path there. I guess it really all depends on the type of people that you are dealing with cause I know that women can also walk in those same shoes and do a man the same way... Go figure!! there is so many logical explantions for it!!


Choozmi 50M

10/19/2005 4:06 pm

I appreciate what you're saying, but I would never nor have I ever tried to tell a woman exactly what she wanted to hear just to get her into the bedroom. First of all, if I knew exactly what women wanted to hear I would be a lot more successful with them than I am. Secondly, I don't believe in lying.

I also don't believe there's any such thing as a "sure thing" when it comes to sex except maybe a prostitute, and I'm sure they reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, anytime.

I have spent a long time with certain women in my past hoping that they would fall in love with me, and they never did, but they led me to believe there was a chance that they might. Thinking back, it would have been far kinder of them to have simply said, "It's not going to happen" than "For now, no, but maybe someday..."


your_gypsy 51F

10/21/2005 1:27 pm

you actually can say that? have you actually said that? well i find that honesty a big turn-on. because it is left to me to decide whether i want to put time and effort into that sort of relationship rather than get hyped up for a big romance. if a guy is on the one with me like that and he and i jive well and i'm not in a needy state, then it should work out well. i also can decide whether i want more *or* that i don't want to waste my time.

... the thing is, and please don't think i'm being rude for saying this, your stance is nothing special or maverick in today's times, and there are a LOT of men out there who want "no strings" or want to put out very little in exchange for a *charade* for a quality woman.


Choozmi 50M

10/21/2005 1:49 pm

Back in college a good friend of mine was making out with a girl at a party. Things were going pretty far and she said, "Are you going to call me?"

He looked at her and said, "Probably not."

They continued making out.

I always admired him for that because he was honest with her. He left it up to her to decide whether or not to continue what they were doing. I know him well, by the way, and if she'd said she wanted to stop the make-out session, he would have immediately.

Gypsy, thank you for your comments, but I think you do me a disservice when you interpret what I said above to mean that I didn't want to put much effort into my non-love relationships or that I would put on a charade for anyone.

First of all, I put tremendous effort into my friendships. Why would you assume that I would put any less effort into a friendship that involved sex than I would into any other close friendship? I treat my friends very well and value them greatly.

Secondly, a "charade" is an act, a lie. I never said anything about putting on an act for someone or lying to them. Why would you even bring this up?

Finally, to answer your initial question, yes, several times I have approached women on this basis up front. Interestingly, they often prompted the topic because they were expressing concern that they weren't sure that our relationship was going to venture too far into "love territory" and didn't want to disappoint me and I was letting them know that I was not going to be disappointed. And I did appreciate their honesty.


your_gypsy 51F

10/22/2005 12:52 pm

oh... and to answer you on the following:
"I think you do me a disservice when you interpret what I said above to mean that I didn't want to put much effort into my non-love relationships or that I would put on a charade for anyone. First of all, I put tremendous effort into my friendships. Why would you assume that I would put any less effort into a friendship that involved sex than I would into any other close friendship? I treat my friends very well and value them greatly."

... because you never mentioned friendships. i thought we were talking about one-timers, here, or just *ass.* being honest and letting the woman know that there wasn't any chance of anything further with her. not even hope. you didn't say anything about friendships... which would be a different thing.

"Secondly, a "charade" is an act, a lie. I never said anything about putting on an act for someone or lying to them. Why would you even bring this up?"

a charade is not necessarily a lie. to me it defines superficiality sometimes. a superficial relationship is one that is not too deep. take it easy... when you open up a dialog like this, choozmi, you can't really control what the others' input is going to be. sometimes we will take your point and run with it. makes for interesting interplay! and i like your viewpoints... i'm following your blog these days, i just started to recently. thank you for the exchange.


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