|Blogs > Choozmi > Nothing is what it seems to be|
Be yourself but dazzle me
Be yourself but dazzle me
"Just be yourself."
How often do you hear that?
What amuses me is how wrongheaded that statement is, at least in the society in which I live.
At work, people are expected to excel. Doing your job is fine, but if that's all you do, don't expect to get raises or promotions and don't be surprised if you eventually get laid off because you're not giving 110 per cent.
If the real you is someone who loves giving 110 per cent, great! But if the real you doesn't thrive on competition and instead prefers that a job simply be a job and not a lifestyle, well, "being yourself" is not an option.
In friendships we all encourage each other to be ourselves, yet we crowd around "the life of the party." We flock to the show-off (as long as s/he isn't obnoxious or a jerk about it) and give them the lion's share of our attention. We seek out the gregarious, the outgoing, the clever. We love to be dazzled. The dazzler gets invited to the next party and the next.
The naturally quiet and shy ones are encouraged (urged) to come out of their shells and "connect" with people. In other words, they're discouraged from being themselves and encouraged to act in ways not natural for them.
I think it's even this way in love and sex, at least in the early stages. Because men outnumber the women on this site to such a degree, there is tremendous pressure on AdultFriendFinder men to dazzle the women in whatever way we can. Be clever and funny in that initial e-mail! Make sure your subject line is a grabber or she won't bother to read the body of your message! Choose good pictures (but not too good or she'll think they're fake)! Make sure your initial e-mail is crafted specially for her and that it shows that you read her profile! Compliment her (but don't fawn)! Keep a funny blog and write in it every day! Join discussion groups and comment often! Post an article! Etc!
You all know the drill.
The above tips are fine for me because I enjoy writing but they leave the shy or less-articulate out in the rain. Rise to the occasion, boys, or remain dateless (at least on this site).
Some days I don't want to dazzle!
Tonight I went out with a group of friends and I had a lot of good news to share with them because some good things have happened for me lately. But no one asked me anything that could have led naturally to such a discussion.
Sure, I could have taken center stage and tried to wrestle the conversation toward me and my news, but I didn't feel like it. Tonight, being a dazzler wasn't who I was.
By being myself this evening, and being true to my mood, I ended up on the sidelines. A little lonely, a little left-out. Unfortunately a woman to whom I am very attracted was there this evening and I'd hoped to make a good impression on her. Although we talked a bit, I felt a tad overlooked.
Tonight I wasn't a dazzler.
Here's the thing: I understand that to attract others in all walks of life we each must reach beyond our fears and limitations. We must compensate for our shyness and reluctance. We have to stand up and be counted. Maybe we don't have to do this every day, but we need to a good chunk of the time. I accept this.
The problem I have is that the majority of the time "Dazzle me!" is the correct catchphrase while "Be yourself" sounds nice and makes people feel good but does not reflect the way things really work.
What do you think?
8/4/2006 3:14 am
I married the shy guy |
I understand what yor saying about being on this site tho,guys have to stand up and be noticed,if not they are'nt seen
but you do have to be yourself and maybe 90%of the time your the shy 1 and the other 10% your the dazzle type in life or vice versa
Either way you always come back to being you thats usually when the honeymoon is over in most dating games
8/4/2006 4:04 am
"Be yourself" huh? Yes, most of us are not allowed to be ourselves...that goes for the quiet ones, like you, and the rebels, like me. I'm frowned upon when I open my mouth and say something a little risque - okay, not on THIS site...but in most situations. I don't toe the line, I can dazzle just fine, but time and again, I'm ashamed of what's mine...|
We all work the circle, Choosmi, and it's up to you to be in it or out. However, I do tend to take hold of the shy and quiet ones tightly, both in relationships, and in friendships.
8/4/2006 2:10 pm
When I go out with groups of people the "dazzlers" do catch my attention...mostly because you just can't miss them. But they only have my attention for a short while, it's the quieter, more introspective guys that capture my imagination. It always seems that I wind up taking a walk or sitting in the corner with one of the quieter guys and enjoying an amazing conversation. |
"Dazzling" is great for short term...but if you're looking for something more long term, whether just in friendship or in a relationship, being yourself is going to be the best option. How many of us really want to have to be "on" all the time simply because that is the you that attracted your partner?
"I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week."
"As kinky as a cheap garden hose!"
8/5/2006 11:07 am
I call being a dazzler as being "ON". When I'm "ON", I can dazzle like a pro, be the life of the party, and have a great time doing it. Most of my life, I was the shy one, always too aware of my self-consciousness if I ever had more than one person paying attention to me at any given moment. I still have those moments. I know when to keep my mouth shut, and when I'm on and ready to dazzle.|
As for the site... I think when I want to be dazzled by someone, it's really not so hard. All he has to do is show me a somewhat attractive recent picture of himself, spell everything correctly in his email, and make some reference that he's read my profile & is looking for the same thing. Honesty and interest in ME is what dazzles me. (as opposed to interest in just getting laid by anyone who'll let him).
Trust me, it's a lot more rare than one might think. Something important to note... the guy should be being himself when he does this. So, dazzling on the site doesn't mean the guy has to be "ON," it just means he has to show genuine interest. That *is* what dazzles me! Oh, and more on being himself... he should be intelligent enough to have written the email himself, and without having to rely too heavily on spell-check. That first email can make or break a potential meeting.
Lastly, I must note that a man who is not being himself will not dazzle me. That is extremely easy to detect most of the time. A man who is being himself WILL dazzle me, but only if himself is someone honest and interested in me.
Have fun, play safe!