Uncomfortably Numb  

HoaryCronySlimy 35M
243 posts
6/13/2006 10:19 am

Last Read:
7/1/2006 1:14 pm

Uncomfortably Numb

Hello my friends, it's time for our weekly fireside chat!

I sit here in my little makeshift study, wearing my smoking jacket and slippers...

In my left hand sits an old wooden pipe filled with the finest Black Cavendish tobacco for the sweet aroma...in my right I hold a soothing cup of earl grey tea.

It is pouring rain today...the mist hugs the mountains out my window, a sight that always sends magic coursing through my veins. The perfect day for recharging my batteries.

I'm still in a sticky wicket as far as my relationship goes, and there is a good chance that Seanna and I will finally part ways after 4 years of intense and passionate love. We have discovered certain differences that may be irreconcilable at the current time.

I life were the Tarot, and we were a pair of cards... I would certainly be the "Holy Fool" when it comes to romance. I have been known to leap off metaphorical cliffs in a fit of passion, trusting completely in the divine to keep me from splattering all over the canyon floor.

In this incarnation, our paths take us in and out of the lives of different people, at different times. There are Certain Chinese philosophies that tell us that most problems in life arise from poor timing. If this is true, and we are simply not meant to be right now... then I hope to stay in touch with her and hopefully be her friend someday. In any case, we are both handling the stress in a different way.

I feel that true love is stronger than us all, and that if we truly are meant to be, we will end up together when the time is right.

In contrast, she feels that if we ever broke up she would be forced to hate my guts in order to survive. Ouch. I understand her pain though, I share it equally...it is an awefull feeling to build a life with someone and watch it blow away...

All things considered, I remain optimistic regardless of the outcome. I'll leave you with a favorite piece of wisdom:

"Nothin' happens that aint supposed to."
.
.
.
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What about you my friends? After a break up or divorce, are you able to remain friends with your former love? Or do you feel it is easier to hate them and sever all contact. Perhaps it depends on the person?

Tell me your thoughts... send me your pain!


JuicyBBW1001 54F

6/13/2006 11:48 am

It depends on the person for me. Almost all of my ex's where friends before we where lovers. So I can still speak to most of them without wanting to throw a dagger in their back.

Juicy


HoaryCronySlimy replies on 6/13/2006 11:53 am:
Aye, being friends before lovers could save people alot of pain...it allows us to view a side of people that is usually hidden untill years have gone by in a serious relationship. Thanks for the comment!

TnWitchyWoman 56F
6852 posts
6/13/2006 12:10 pm

"Nothin' happens that aint supposed to."

I used to think "What is meant to be, will be." and "Everything happens for a reason." But I'm having a hard time with those of late. My "extra husband" had a heart attack in January. It occured right at the end of a great sex session and he died in my arms. It often plays in my head like it was a bad B movie staring someone else. He left behind the bad joke of "What a way to go". And I can find no reasoning behind it. I already knew not to take his love for granted. I cherished every moment we had together. I never let the things we wanted to explore pass us by for another time. I was all too aware that could cause regrets. We lived each day as if it were our last. I only wish we'd broken up and I could still have him as my friend. I miss the physical like crazy, but I can't begin to describe the pain I feel from losing his friendship. People take so many things for granted. Why did this, which we didn't take for granted, have to be taken from me?

Tell me your thoughts... send me your pain!

Remember, you asked for it.


HoaryCronySlimy 35M
169 posts
6/13/2006 6:03 pm

TnWitchyWoman Says:

"Why did this, which we didn't take for granted, have to be taken from me?"

Honey, that is a heart-rending story, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how you feel right now, and anything I could say to comfort you after such an event would seem...well...impotent.

But she raises an excellent point ladies and gents. This could develop into a topic of its own, but it can be simply stated as:

"Why do bad things happen to good people?"

What a large and terrible question. No one can deny that this life has dark moments of disaster where it seems that there could be no possible "reason" for any of it.

Some believe that we are equalizing "Bad Karma" from a previous life, if not this one. Others believe that bad experiences are chosen by the "victim" so that the spirit might learn some valuable lesson or gain some important experience. And yes, some believe that we suffer as penance for Original Sin.

Regardless of which beliefs you follow, perhaps it is merely a matter of perception. A very wise man once said:

"Either everything is a Miracle, or Nothing is."

I know that it can be impossible to view the death of a loved one as a Miracle, but I'm sure you all get the main point of this sentance. Who is to say that their death might bring new experiences, new relationships, new choices that were not visible before. Perhaps it is the 1st of a long chain of events which saves humanity from certain doom... Who knows?

I do feel certain that one has a choice between faith and dispair, happiness or sorrow.

My dear, when the clouds finally blow away, the sun will warm your skin yet again. This I Swear

May you find joy and peace in the knowledge that you are loved... and may his spirit drink forever in the hall of divinity. Thank you for your pain!


TnWitchyWoman 56F
6852 posts
6/13/2006 8:27 pm

Honey, that is a heart-rending story, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how you feel right now, and anything I could say to comfort you after such an event would seem...well...impotent.

I think that's the closest statement to someone understanding that I've heard. There is NO comforting that kind of loss and it's impossible to imagine. The "funny" thing was I had envisioned something happening to me. I was older, had health problems, and he took great pleasure in wearing my ass out to complete blissful exhaustion...but more than once I heard him ask me if I was okay as I was "recovering". I NEVER had the thought cross my mind that he would go before me so I was *completely* unprepared to accept it could happen, let alone that it DID happen. He was 9 years younger than I. ONLY 36. Unfortunately some reaper didn't read the manual that we're supposed to live nice long lives and should die at age appropriate times. Fucker. *sigh*

I struggled with so many things afterwards. Did I somehow deserve this? Could I have prevented it? Could I have done more? Karma. Now she's a bitch huh? Maybe I've done some bad things in my life...we all have. So what made my punishment so much more...personal...than so many I have seen that have done so much worse? And I have a hard time believing it's punishment from a past life. That would be like smacking my daughter, who is 20 now, for something she did when she was 2. She'd have no memory of it, it would only seem as random violence to her now so how would the punishment serve to correct the past? It just makes no sense. If it's punishment for "original sin" then maybe I should just slash my wrists now because I can't take any more punishment for something someone else may have done. I've got a big enough plate of crap to eat all of my own...and I did spend some time contacting those who meant something to me in the past and let them know how they touched my life so that if something happened they'd know our relationship wasn't forgotten. But did I have to have THAT drastic of a wake up call? No, I think if *something*, *anything* is in control up there they could have figured a better way to do it.

"Either everything is a Miracle, or Nothing is."

Now that some of the anger and hurt has passed I can actually see where this one might have a point. It's a miracle that I had him in my life at all. Our relationship occured against all the probabilities. And it only grew stronger in the face of trying times. And now that the "bad joke" has cleared the emotions a bit I can see that Yes, there are MUCH WORSE ways to die. He didn't suffer cancer, he didn't spend his final days in a nursing home, he wasn't alone, in pain, or scared. He was with someone who loved him, had expressed that love both physically and verbally several times that day. He'd laughed. He'd been kissed passionately. And though the paramedics couldn't tell me to confirm what I already knew (damn Hippa laws)...I was the last to see him and the first to wish him peace and love in his next great adventure and assured him I'd see him again someday...however and where ever that we're meant to be, we know we were meant to be together. So yes indeed... "Either everything is a Miracle, or Nothing is."

Thank you for your words of kindness.

Lori


HoaryCronySlimy 35M
169 posts
6/14/2006 2:17 pm

Aye Lori, you are most welcome! This again deserves a whole reply, not just a response.

It's funny how every philosophy in this world has at least 1 facet that makes absolutely no sense. If you think about it, it is only logical... after all, how accurate can anyone be when trying to impose Human ideas upon something as infinite and intangible as the universe?

Here is another weird theory:

Friedrich Nietzche believed that experience was the ONLY reason for life, stating that WE chose to suffer and to have joy for the sheer experience of it. He figured that pain is a part of human life and therefore would be just as valuable as joy to an entity that could experience NONE of those things without a body.

A soul has no nerves with which to feel pain, and no concept of Loss because it is immortal and allready perfect. From this perspective, all of the drama in life, both good and bad, would be equally valuable experience to different individuals at different times.

Strange Idea huh... that not only did we agree to a life full of pain...we VOLUNTEERED for it. LOL!

Regardless of which belief suits you best, it is safe to say that none of us will know for sure. In fact... the only certainty is that whatever is out there...it will be unlike anything we could have imagined.

I believe Roger Waters said it best at an interview in the '70s.
When he was asked which religious beliefs he thought were the most accurate, to which he replied:


"Fuck 'em. They're all wrong. Because if they weren't (all wrong), that would mean that ONE of them was right..."

(pause for effect)

"...and that is self evidently nonsense."


TnWitchyWoman 56F
6852 posts
6/14/2006 4:19 pm

Friedrich Nietzche believed that experience was the ONLY reason for life, stating that WE chose to suffer and to have joy for the sheer experience of it. He figured that pain is a part of human life and therefore would be just as valuable as joy to an entity that could experience NONE of those things without a body.

I have a "friend" who is emotionally detached due to the heavy use of antidepressants and her other means of "self-medication". After Hawk passed away I started to envy her a bit. She didn't mourn anything, she simply got up every morning and took a pill. At night she slept well thanks to another little pill while I didn't sleep well for weeks afterwards...if then. She doesn't laugh, but then she doesn't cry either. But just when I started wishing I could do the same because I thought I was going to dehydrate I'd cried so much I started looking REAL CLOSE at her. She felt nothing. If you can't mourn because you're not feeling anything then how can you feel love? The answer was simple to me, you can't. Something that shuts down one emotion is bound to shut down another. Then I started feeling sorry for her because that's when I realized I simply mourned Hawk that hard because I LOVED him that hard. And I LOVED loving him. I would have rather of had 12 hard loved, passionate years with him and have lost him than had a lifetime with him of numb emotions. It was simply a price to pay and I now do it willingly. I can *almost* rejoice in the sadness. If that makes any sense to anyone at all. So would I volunteer for it all again knowing I'd lose him the same way? You better believe I would. I'd jump on it in a split second, no brainer there.

As for the Roger Waters quote...deep stuff and true indeed. I'm such a fan of his that my daughter knows all the Pink Floyd albums. When Hawk passed away we changed our ring tones she took my first choice "Wish You Were Here" and I took the Stones "Paint it Black". I really wanted to put Ozzy's "See You On the Other Side" but I couldn't bring myself to listen to that right after his passing...but I know I will.
Lori


HoaryCronySlimy replies on 6/14/2006 6:26 pm:
I relate m'lady, I know that bittersweet feeling one gets when the sadness reaches a nearly tolerable state where one just floats on the icy wake of passing dispair.

"Leaving...I hate to see you cry...
Grieving...I hate to say goodbye...
Dust and ash forever

Though I know we must be parted, as sure as stars are in the sky
I'm gonna see you when it comes to glory...
and I'll see you on the other side."

-Ozzy


Good Choice! You have my kindest wishes for happiness, in this world and the next.

mm0206 69F
7767 posts
6/22/2006 5:02 pm

I would like to believe that in this life we fulfill our karmic needs.... or fail them.
when it comes down to being mean and hateful it surely cant completely be assigned to the parents fault. We are the results of all of our life's experiences ... and I like to think we have some characteristics that are tinted by past lives.... even to the extent of who we love and those that are born into our family as well as close friends.

...m.


HoaryCronySlimy 35M
169 posts
6/23/2006 9:21 am

    Quoting mm0206:
    I would like to believe that in this life we fulfill our karmic needs.... or fail them.
    when it comes down to being mean and hateful it surely cant completely be assigned to the parents fault. We are the results of all of our life's experiences ... and I like to think we have some characteristics that are tinted by past lives.... even to the extent of who we love and those that are born into our family as well as close friends.

    ...m.
Thanks for your insightful words M, We share many opinions on this matter!

Stop by the blog anytime and say hello.


HoaryCronySlimy 35M
169 posts
6/29/2006 4:44 pm

Hey Dee, Isn't that a neat quote? I am heading to see him in Seattle in October. Can't wait

It is indeed difficult to stay connected with someone whom you began the relationship with romance. It is probably much easier for the human mind to move from friend to romance than vise versa. we are tricky creatures indeed!


velvetgrrrl 39F

7/1/2006 12:13 pm

I feel if both parties are mature adults a friendship, although not what it once was, should be able to be established and maintained. Admittedly there should be a time of mourning for the loss of a love maybe you expected to be forever. But to turn to other things in life, be it sex with others, drugs, alcohol or to even turn in on yourself in an introverted suicide is to escape and deny the healing process that is inevitable with time and understanding.

Sure I've hated a couple of my ex's a bit after we've split for what they've (and I've, for I am not without my faults) done and that does not erase those scars just merely heals them over. Faded. Without pain. But they are still battle marks reminding you of what you've endured to get you to where you are and who you are today.

I have great relationships with my kids' dads (3 kids two diffrent fathers) and we put aside the fact that we were obviously not destined to one another with any sort of permanency for the well being and stability of our kdis in a day and age where parents have just allowed their children to fend for themselves. But that's a completely different conversation altogether. I have to admit your blogs have caused me to think things out as of late and maybe I will be posting in a sort of therapy for my mind and spirit, my soul so that I can move beyond the melancholy that has become routine as of late

`Velvet
Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.


HoaryCronySlimy 35M
169 posts
7/1/2006 1:14 pm

    Quoting velvetgrrrl:
    I feel if both parties are mature adults a friendship, although not what it once was, should be able to be established and maintained. Admittedly there should be a time of mourning for the loss of a love maybe you expected to be forever. But to turn to other things in life, be it sex with others, drugs, alcohol or to even turn in on yourself in an introverted suicide is to escape and deny the healing process that is inevitable with time and understanding.

    Sure I've hated a couple of my ex's a bit after we've split for what they've (and I've, for I am not without my faults) done and that does not erase those scars just merely heals them over. Faded. Without pain. But they are still battle marks reminding you of what you've endured to get you to where you are and who you are today.

    I have great relationships with my kids' dads (3 kids two diffrent fathers) and we put aside the fact that we were obviously not destined to one another with any sort of permanency for the well being and stability of our kdis in a day and age where parents have just allowed their children to fend for themselves. But that's a completely different conversation altogether. I have to admit your blogs have caused me to think things out as of late and maybe I will be posting in a sort of therapy for my mind and spirit, my soul so that I can move beyond the melancholy that has become routine as of late
Ahh yes, children do indeed ad a degree of complexity to the issue. My parents divorced when I was 5, and looking back I realize that I am lucky that they have remained excellent friends, even now they live in the same town and hang out regularly.

Their relationship taught me that true love never dies, it merely changes. Could it be possible that the bond between our souls is not subject to the temporary and flawed attachment of romantic love, but consists of a broader, more all encompassing emotion that one would have for any other family member. (this would only be logical, since without a body, I fail to see how physical quirks and limitations such as fear and jealousy could exist at all)

In any case, I am so glad these entries have inspired a positive result in your consciousness, I do hope you post often!

Your new friend,

-chiv


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