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Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'
Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'
About a month ago I had the pleasure of striking up a conversation with another member of this site. It was a fairly long, deep conversation about life and relationships, and it really got me thinking about why I came to this site, what we're looking for when we're here, and what I'm doing in my life.
I guess the reason that most directly influenced my decision to join this site is the failure of a long term relationship. I have had several in the past and I told myself that if this one didn't work out then it was the bachelor's life for me. Still being in love with the act of sex, this place seemed like a good as place as any to explore my sexual desires and "get my rocks off". The women I planned on meeting here were to only be used for sex, and nothing else. I guess if I had followed my plan I wouldn't be writing this, but I'm the better person for it.
I soon came to realize that it wasn't casual sex that I wanted, but the love and understanding of a good, solid relationship. The time apart, as well as the conversations with another member here made me realize that no matter the amount of casual encounters I would experience I would still go home with a void left unfilled. What I told myself I wanted and what I really wanted were two completely different things. I just needed some time to realize it.
After our talk I decided to actually do something about how I felt. Not try and make myself happy by pursuing others but by really rolling up my sleeves and doing the dirty work that needed to be done in order to set things right. Although I wasn't the only one to let the relationship come to an end, I could see that there were areas that I needed to improve and that helped bring the relationship to it's demise. I knew in my heart that I hadn't given it 100%.
You see, I'm the type of person who can get a really guilty conscience if I don't give something everything I have. Maybe it's the artist in me (After all, I have to be proud of my work!). I hate half-assing things, but sometimes I do because the best way is usually the most demanding and I don't always want to put forth all of that effort. On the backside of that is the fact that if I know that I do something without giving it my all I feel guilty because I let myself down. This was definitely one of those instances.
So, instead of walking away and always worrying about what could have been I have spent that past couple of weeks going over what I could have done better and trying to improve upon that. The girl and I have re-established contact with each other and have begun the long, arduous task of not only finding out what went wrong but working on changing those things so that those issues won't come up again. It's certainly not the easiest thing to do, but it has the potential to be the most rewarding. I know what people say about how hard relationships are and how they take so much energy (esp. when we don't feel like we have anything else to give) but deep down I am still a firm believer that all of the hard work and dedication pays off in the end and that the rewards that a healthy, loving relationship give us are well worth the investment.
I guess that brings everyone up to date on my life up to this point. Over the next couple of days I plan on writing a bit more about the fun, trivial stuff that's going on, but this one was the most important. I'm not going to take my profile down, but I might revise it soon. I've met way to many people here that like what I have to say in my blog or chatting it up on Yahoo to just push in my chair and leave the table. Besides, if it weren't for people here I wouldn't be where I am today. I guess I owe them a thank you.
12/19/2005 3:16 pm
Good luck to you sweetheart. Take care to protect yourself and you love for they are too precious to throw caution to the wind with.
I am proud of you for taking the steps to see where you went "wrong" with the one you love so deeply. But promise to stay true to yourself. As an artist myself, the hardest thing to do is not be sensitive to the needs of others. Sometimes we have a tendancy to so sensitve to their needs we overlook our own.
Try to find out what went right in your relationship together and build upon that. See how to work through your differences not adapt yourself to change what went "wrong".
Talk to one another openly, even say the things that hurt the most. Say the words that are the most frightening, the one's you are convinced will make her walk away, those are the words that need to be spoken from both of you.
Those are the things that need to be addressed and discussed. Not changed but talked through. Dealt with. Most of all, the two of you need to love each other's differences and the things that make you both who you are. Celebrate your love, relish your oddities and laugh at the things that drive you both crazy. Find a way to meet in the middle. If you both sacrifice the "little" things to make each other happy now, you will resent or regret them later. Just be you, the best way you know how to be and be happy at being you. Smile often. Love completely.
Good luck. I hope you find happiness. I'll miss you.