Deeper  

ChinRyder 39M
340 posts
9/19/2005 12:20 pm

Last Read:
11/19/2007 3:38 pm

Deeper


My roommate and I were hanging out in the kitchen after the movie last night catching up on our lives. He's day shift and now I'm nights, so we don't really see each other except on weekends. He mentioned that while at the Gaslight Festival this weekend he saw my ex-girlfriend. It got me thinking......

What is it all about? Is there a greater force at work here, or is it just coincidences that I use to find deeper meaning? You're with him now, and it's been so long. Would I still be in love with you if I knew this is how you'd turn out, or more likely you wouldn't be the woman you are today if you had let me stay around. You aren't the girl that I knew five years ago, but then again who's to blame you. You did what you had to do and what you felt was right at the time.

Do you still crave me? Do you feel like you settled with him? You were so independent when I fell in love with you, but now you have her in your life. He provides, but does he provide it all? Before it was easier. It was love and I would have done anything. Time has changed things, made it all complicated. Part of me hates you for letting that independence die, but the other half understands.

At this point I wonder if you could even tell the difference between your love for him and the love we had. Ours was pure. It was genuine. Money, houses, jobs that were real (not chasing dreams) have taken over now. Love was great, but it couldn't have paid the bills. That's what you need now, so you've convinced yourself that that's what it's all about. You took that little piece of you- the one that was so pure- the one I fell in love with, and you sold it. Sometimes I wonder if I could bring it back. Take the piece that I have and give it to you. Would it be like a flame and spread? Could I re-ignite the passion in your heart?

Sometimes I wish you were here, reading this. He's out of town (like he always is) and you go looking for that which you've lost. You stumble upon here and read my thoughts and see that I guess I've never completely given up. I'm still chasing that dream; better to die trying than to give up and settle. That's always been my problem right? Never settling. Who knows, maybe in a couple of years I'll sell mine for whatever happiness I can get for it. Time changes things, right?

When I decide to get philosophical on love you are where I do most of my thinking. Not only because of how I felt but the unique situation we were given. Something off of a Lifetime movie. ; ) Whatever happens to you and I, I hope that you are truly happy. Out of everyone on this planet, you deserve it more than most. We were put through hell and deserve some sort of compensation for coming out alive on the other side.

SweetDarlinAngel 39F
2996 posts
9/20/2005 12:28 pm

Chin ~
Regardless of how much this blog hurt to write. Don't sell out. There will come a time when everything will come to light for you. That job that is real will give way to one that fulfills the dreams again. Money will cease to matter as much and love will finally be the center stone of what makes you happiest.

I realize that right now there is a lot of anger and hurt and lost hope floating inside of you. Don't let it go, just come to terms with it. Trying to let it go will only allow you to make the same mistakes again. It will only help you to follow the same roads that got you to the place you are today. Come to terms with the things that are bothering you and then move past them. Remember the things that hurt, but don't let them stop you from finding someone else to hold on to with all of you heart. Once you find another person love, all of the things that you admired in this woman will help you to see that you are still the same person and life is still the same for you.

This is not meant to be a meaningless bit of worthless advise. I don't know the details or intimacies of your life, Chin, but I do know the pains of losing a love that meant the world to you. I do know the hurt that is left inside of your heart. I also know that it never heals. It never goes away. I know that as time moves forward so can you. And that it is possible to find someone else to love just as much, just as completely, just wholly. Once you do, the world seems right again. Until you do, everything seems a little out of balance. Everything seems a little less colorful, a little less fun and a little less meaningful. But it isn't always so. It won't always be so.

Find the next great love. She does exist. If she didn't, you heart wouldn't still be questioning. It would have given up hope completely. Your humor would have died and you would have never given this site a chance. So before you dwell on the might have been's of the past, look the will be's of the future and find someone new to share you with.
Take care,
~SDA

~Angel


patsam69 51M/51F

9/22/2005 5:47 am

It's wonderful to have loved ...but when it is over we must move on. I am sad that you think there is someone better out there when you are in love. If you are in love and want to spend your life with someone....building a life with them..house, cars, children is not settling...to many people that IS chasing their dreams. To be in a marriage and raise their children together. They can incorporate their other dreams into this realistic life.


ChinRyder 39M
235 posts
9/22/2005 8:49 am

This particular story has numerous twists and turns. As time goes on I'll reveal them all. With this particular ex we both wanted to be together but never at the same time. It wasn't until I finally gave up on chasing her that she told me how she truely felt, and by then it was too late. Love causes us to go through a wide range of emotions, so I'm just using my blog to describe what it has done for me in the past. My rejection caused her to start seeing him, and she has said as much, so in this case it's not as pure as we we all like to think. I'm sure that over time she can fall in love with him, but deep down I know that it isn't the same as what we had. I'm not judging (well, not completely) I'm just calling it out for what it is.


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