Deep  

ChinRyder 39M
340 posts
9/7/2005 12:17 pm

Last Read:
6/28/2007 8:42 pm

Deep


A recent friend of mine on this site told me that I seem to be focusing too much attention on what I look like and not who I am. After looking at some of my posts I have to say that I agree.

When I first started these blogs I wasn't sure what route to go. Make it personal? Keep it light? Bitch about politics? I guess I settled for light and airy. Pointless conversation really. I mean, isn't my life supposed to be so interesting that daily tidbits a savored morsels?

I think that a lot of my lack of depth has to do with the fact that I may not in fact like what I read after I type it. Maybe I don't like the person I've become. I literally feel like the real me got lost a couple years ago and won't ever return.

Growing up was supposed to be one of the greatest experiences ever. I'd drive a car. I'd have a job where they paid me more money than I knew what to do with. The world would be a happy place where everything went my way b/c that's what life is supposed to be like, right?

Where did I get that notion? I feel like all I've done is suffer. Suffer loss. Suffer pain. Feel hurt for me and those around me. I'm the ostrich that pulled his head out of the sand to see the world and couldn't believe his eyes. I want to put my head back in, forget the images and experiences that have been burned into my brain- but I can't. I have to go on, knowing that my dream world was just that; a dream.

Now I plug through life trying to find some kind of peace. I want to forget those things that happened to me. To us. I want to forgive myelf for those things that I did and take away the hurt. I want to feel comfortable in this skin again. I want to be proud of who I am and the decisions that I make.

Life isn't black and white. It's ALL grey. You do for you, but how does that affect others? Are the decisions you make good for all time, or just at the time that you made it? Time changes reference, and that changes perspectives, which effects opinions.

I know that I am who I am now, and I'm trying to live with myself. I'd like to think that I'm a good person and always have been, but it's hard to say. I want those that I've hurt to forgive me. More so, I want to be able to forgive myself and get back to normal.

There. A little insight without pouring out the whole cup. I'm sure over time I'll share more, but I'm not the type to just open up to the world and let them have their opinions. They only matter when I say that they're worthy of mattering to me.

SweetDarlinAngel 39F
2996 posts
9/9/2005 4:28 pm

psst . . . I love the openess you got into on this one Chin. In all honesty, even when all you do is rant and rave the bleakness of the things you see and despise it still gives me a little insight about who you are. I'd like to think that there is more going on in your head than just whether or not you like what you see in the mirror. And I'm glad to see that there is quite a lot more there after all. Take care and keep sharing . . . I'd love to hear more about what you have to say or not say for that matter.

~Angel


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