|Blogs > CDVeronicaBN2IT > Veronica's Secrets|
Hello , I don't know if anyone will be interested in reading this. I'm doing this so I don't have to keep telling my story over and over. Not that I mind , However typing it again and again is getting a little old . I'm just going to start at the time that seemed to change my life.
I shouldn't be surprised, as far back as I can remember. I was always being mistaken for a girl.
I can only remember women always telling my mother that I was the cutest little girl they had ever seen. She would correct them . then they would always say " Too bad , any girl would kill to have eyes and eyelashes like those." And that has always stuck with me, even when I didn't want to believe it.
My older sisters got these life sized dolls for christmas one year. One day my oldest sister wished that her doll could really play with her . She got the idea to dress me in the dolls clothes. I was 4 or 5 years old, and I didn't get excited. But I did feel comfortable for a change. It was all innocent fun. Just two siblings playing like we were having a tea party or something. There was a cartoon on sunday mornings. The Archie show I think it was called. Archie's girlfriends name was Veronica, or Roni for short. In my family, everyone has called me Ronnie. My sister started calling me her little sister Veronica. The name has stuck ever since.
At least for me when I am dressed.
As I grew up, and my sister lost interest in playing with dolls, let alone with Veronica anymore. My life began to feel really empty. I could not put my finger on what it was. But something was missing. One day a few years later, I was at home alone. Working on my bicycle in the basement. Over by the washing machine was my sisters clothes. A funny feeling came over me, and I didn't even think about it. I dressed in her clothes, and the feeling of being complete came rushing back.
All kinds of thoughts went through my head. And even more questions than answers. Did this mean that I was gay? No!!!!! I have always been attracted to females only!!!!! Did this make me a pervert? I didn't think so, I wasn't hurting anyone. WAS I GOING TO GET CAUGHT ????? This scared the hell out of me !!!!!
I tried not to think about the things that had suddenly been thrust before me. Then every night as i laid in bed, thoughts of being dressed as a girl would always find their way into my sleepless nights. I would give in and sneak some time with Veronica every chance that I could. I never thought that I did, nor did I try to act like a sissy. But somehow it would always seem like people could see through me. And as I grew up was the brunt of the worst possible jokes you can imagine.
I tried to deny that Veronica even existed. Even to myself, then I would get to the point of hating myself and all that I stood for. During puberty, I found myself defending girls from what my male friends would say about them. I don't like to fight, but I will defend myself. When 5 guys want to kick your ass, it is going to get kicked. And again, the same old thoughts came back into my head. Who and what was I.
As my sister grew older and outgrew her clothes. As she would discard them, I would rescue them. I would clean and then hide them for those rare times when Veronica got to be with me. I had alot of real girlfriends that I dated. But how could I ever tell them about this?
As much as I wanted to, I was petrified to even think about it. So I tried the denial thing again. I concluded that if I distanced myself from all the stuff I thought brought out Veronica. That I'd end up being normal. So I did the most masculine thing I could think of, and joined the Army.
I became a really good soldier, and did everything I was ordered to do. I tried to be macho, one of the guys. But all that kept coming up in my head was why did the womens uniforms appeal to me more? I got out of the army after only one term of enlistment.
When I got home, I went to work doing construction. Had the idea that it would somehow make more of a man out of me. I still had urges that I tried not to follow. Then, I met the woman that I thought could make me whole. In alot of ways she has. Soon after we were married, I began letting Veronica back into my life. I'd kept her safe all of these years. And next to my wife, Veronica is the most precious thing in my life.
I'd find something of hers that would get Veronica stirred up. And I found myself resisting less and less. Then one day several years into the marriage, we were watching a movie. And she made the comment that this guy made a really good looking girl. We began to talk about it. And before I knew it, I ended up telling her all about Veronica. She just stood there with her mouth hanging wide open, and didn't say a thing. I was sure that i had screwed up the two best things in my life at that point.
After the shock wore off, I began being bombarded by all the questions I had always asked myself. I answered her as honestly as I can be. Some I still did not know the answers to.
The hardest question is and has always been WHY?
I could blame my sister. But I don't, I believe it would have happened anyway.
My loving and adorable wife tried to be a part of Veronica's life. She told me that she understood my need to do whatever I felt I had to do. Then it all came crashing down one day. She told me that she couldn't do it anymore. It felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me. She went on to say that if I had to do it, she would have to accept that. But she told me she didn't want to see or hear about any of it. She understands that Veronica is part of what makes me who I am.
For her sake I even tried the denial thing again. After a few months of that, she asked me if I'd been dressing. I told her the truth that I had not. And she told me that it must be the reason I had gotten all arrogant and moody. A real asshole. We have had an agreement ever since. If I tell her that i need to be with Veronica, then she's ok with it.Just not in front of her.
The problem now is that Veronica is lonely, and just wants to have a few friends that aren't judgemental. And can see her the same way I do. Veronica is a very nice girl that DOES NOT want to be with ANY MEN AT ALL. i will chat, if you can be a gentleman , and show Veronica the respect she deserves. And she doesn't do free peep shows or talk dirty.
That's my story, I'd like to hear yours. Even if you don't share my views. As long as you can respect them, I can respect yours.
Thanks for reading all of this. Even though it's boring. Till we meet?