What IS it with Men? (read and learn, guys)  

CB_2 51F
8302 posts
7/12/2006 4:32 pm

Last Read:
1/17/2008 10:01 am

What IS it with Men? (read and learn, guys)


OK, now maybe I was spoiled for 16 years, because I had a husband who would never think of behaving this way, but I have one huge grump about male behaviour that I've experienced since I became a widow...

Why are men so crap at keeping you informed??

The rundown so far - judge for yourselves:

1. The guy who introduced me to Real Sex.

He was fantastic, the sex was fantastic, the whole "fuck buddies" thing was fantastic. For three months. I'd have him back in an instant.

At first, it was always him who phoned me. I texted him and he texted me back.

Then he stopped texting. Then he stopped phoning. If we were going to get together, it always had to be me contacting him.

Don't get me wrong, he often turned up early. He always turned up enthusiastic. It was like I was dealing with two completely different people.

But every time I contacted him, it felt like I was chasing him. I felt anxious - whereas if he had texted me a couple of times, even if just to say "I'm busy this week. Talk soon", I wouldn't have felt that way. I'd have been cool.

What is the line in that song: you're making me a crazy chick.

Anyway, in the end I dumped him for indisputedly rude behaviour (he rang off during phone sex because Dalziel and Pascoe came on the TV - what?????????), but I made it clear he only had to apologise to get back in my bed.

All he had needed to do was say "Now's not a good time love, it's part 2 of D&P tonight" and I'd have accepted that (honestly I would: I am not a scene-maker). But instead we got into a conversation I later realised he was only half paying attention to. Well, maybe even less than half.

Anyway, apparently, he couldn't be bothered to apologise. So that was the end of my excellent fuck buddy relationship .

2. The date set up by friends

Now, he was no oil painting, and he was a lot older than I had been led to believe (57 is a lot different from "nearly 50" ).

But I liked him, enormously. We got on really well, and at the very least he would be a fun cinema partner.

After the joint date, he phoned my friends to ask for my phone number. He did. Not me. Though I had made it clear to them I was up for another date with him (God, it's like being back at school, communicating via friends!).

Then I heard nothing from him for about a week or 10 days. So I got his mobile number from my friends and texted him about going to the cinema. He got back to me and said he was abroad on business and would get back to me when he got back to the UK the following week.

That was on May 19th, I believe. I've yet to hear from him, so I guess I'm not going to. I can't honestly say I liked him enough to be upset, though I did think him very rude not to get back in touch, even if it would be to say he was not interested. Basic courtesy.

And why the hell did he ask for my number?

3. Origami Man

I'm starting to get a bit pissed off by this by now. So I decide to take out an ad in Private Eye.

And the day after it comes out, I get a fabulous reply: witty, well-punctuated and spelt (important to me), well thought out. And with a lovely origami butterfly in the corner.

We get chatting, and origami is actually what he does for a living. He seems nice, I like his voice, he's a dirty little so and so (once he'd clarified that I was, and what I was looking for).

So we arrange to meet up, raunchy sex very much on the cards. I arrange for the kids to be picked up from school so it's possible.

He's late. Four hours late.

Now the being late I don't especially mind, because he was coming by train, and there were reasons why.

But what I do mind - and I mind it very much - is that he did not tell me. It wasn't until I texted him to check what time I was picking him up (and this was nearly at meet time) that I found out.

He had a phone. He could have used it. WTF?????

But I resolve not to be pissed off, and accept it as it is. We do meet up and have a nice chat/snog. No time for a shag, but we arrange to meet up the following weekend. I put childcare plans in place.

And then nothing. He did not contact me all weekend. I had sent a "nice to meet you, looking forward to next weekend" e-mail on the Friday. No contact on Friday or Saturday. I text him on Sunday saying I'm slightly surprised not to have heard from him. No reply.

On Monday I call him and he's clearly on a station or somewhere public. Says he'll call me that evening.

Which he doesn't. So at midnight, I send him an e-mail to say I don't know what game he's playing but I'm not going to sit around and wait to hear from him. I'm worth more than that - fuck it, any woman is worth more than that. My e-mail was to the point, but not angry or bitter, I hasten to add.

He's supposed to be really keen to meet up again (and I think he genuinely was). And the point - guys - is this: I did not want to keep chasing him all weekend. If I had had any contact from him to say "nice to meet you, looking forward to next weekend, busy all week" I'd have been happy.

He forced me into being that crazy chick.

Anyway, get this: next morning I get a vitriolic e-mail from him telling me I'm bossy and demanding, and my husband is better off dead!!!!!!!!

Well, bloody hell. Talk about taking rejection badly. Certainly explains the various comments he made about his ex-wife which seemed over the top in comparison with the reason for the divorce. So glad I didn't shag him. Clearly not a nice person at all.

4. Ikea man

Well, if he ever gets round to reading my blog, he'll be upset to find himself in it. But there you go.

I found him on AdultFriendFinder. He sounded nice, and genuine, and was relatively close. I contact him - we message, we talk for about an hour on the phone, we arrange to meet up at Ikea the next day for coffee. We both know exactly what we are looking for.

He's lovely. We get on really well, agree to get together for a shag a couple of days later.

Which we do. The sex is great, really great. We plan to get together the following week, him to let me know when is good for him because I can alter my plans more easily than he can alter his.

You know what I'm going to say, don't you?

Yes, he doesn't contact me. Eventually I text him and he texts me back to say he is not free for a few days which is why he has not been in touch.

No, guys, no. This is not what you do. You don't ignore someone just because you haven't got a free day. You text them or phone them to say you haven't got a free day. Then we know what's going on. It's not rocket science. Learn the lesson: communicate!

Otherwise, we have no option but to turn into crazy chicks.

What pisses me off even more is that I told him communication was important to me, and he assured me he wasn't "like that".

Another week on and he still hasn't contacted me. I think he's oblivious to the fact that I'm seriously pissed off about this (maybe I should just send him a link to this post?), but I'm not going to chase him. I refuse to be a crazy chick.

I'm just going to move on. Life is too short to waste on sitting around waiting to hear from guys who can't keep in touch.

5. My latest option

So I find someone else on AdultFriendFinder who sounds great. He's even so local to me that he passes through my village twice a day and he's self-employed, so can organise his own hours. Yay!

I'm hopeful that this could lead somewhere (I know you'll be reading this, M, so pay close attention at this point).

We arrange to meet up for coffee at 10.30. He knows I have limited time today, as I have to go elsewhere.

At 10.45, I leave. He has not yet turned up. At 10.55 he texts me cheerfully (hurrah - bonus point!) to say he'll be "about 20 minutes". I text him back to let him know I've had to go, and we rearrange. Later on we talk on the phone.

Great. I'm not pissed off. He's around often enough for us to reschedule without any great hassle. No problem.

But he phoned half an hour after we were supposed to meet, and was probably going to be another half hour after that. So I'd have been sitting around waiting an hour to meet up for coffee.

No way, Jose. I want to know before we're due to meet about any delays, even if it is only a few moments before. In theory, I could have got really pissed off not being told until afterwards, and might have refused to meet him.

There are many women who would have thrown a wobbly, and it would have been completely unnecessary. He's lucky I am not one of them.

I include him in this list only so he can see how lucky he was not to miss out. I might easily have moved on, because there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Guys, learn this lesson: communicate, communicate, communicate. It's for your own good. We only turn into crazy nagging chicks when you don't. Save us all some grief, please.

Phew - rant over!

CB2

Blogito ergo sum.


JuicyBBW1001 54F

7/12/2006 6:33 pm

Isn't that the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Juicy


CB_2 replies on 7/13/2006 8:54 am:
I so wish this weren't so widespread. I'll tell you, my boys will be brought up to treat women properly.

Honeydewy 39F  
3229 posts
7/12/2006 7:25 pm

Oh yes, YES, YES!.. how do i save this post? You communicate very lucidly by the way,..

Seems that guys are the same everywhere. Thankfully, i've resigned myself to not expecting anything and not making the next moves. So, they're the ones who keep on messaging me instead for further meet-ups instead. I've to make sure i'm not the one being so rude though in the way your guys were.


Dig me and comment on my blog to get noticed @ Honeydewy ! Mod of SR - THE ADULT Hang-Out =P , Phone Sex & what else? & Oldie Passionz =) Worldwide!.


CB_2 replies on 7/13/2006 8:53 am:
Hi Honey. You need to insert this link What IS it with Men? (read and learn, guys) to pick up this post. Actually, I'm seriously thinking of automatically sending this post to any guy I plan to meet up with so he understands the basic concept.

rm_lucytart 50F
590 posts
7/12/2006 11:52 pm

>>No, guys, no. This is not what you do. You don't ignore someone just because you haven't got a free day. You text them or phone them to say you haven't got a free day. Then we know what's going on. It's not rocket science. Learn the lesson: communicate!

Wait, wait, you mean that that for many years, you had the only guy in the world who knows how to communicate??? You're past your limit! The rest of us are stuck endlessly with one, or dozens, of the other kind!

Sorry, you have already exceeded your limit.

>>Otherwise, we have no option but to turn into crazy chicks.

And you're not kidding! I know it sends ME over the edge quickly. And I get it right here at home. He's good in other ways... so long as you don't expect him to talk, or to initiate...


CB_2 replies on 7/13/2006 8:58 am:
My friend was telling me only today about her husband (who is adorable etc): he was supposed to be picking their son up from school one day but he didn't go. They called on her mobile and she went to get him. Then she phoned her husband, who said "I'm still in London...".

Errrr, what, your phone doesn't work or something? Did you just think he'd get home on his own?????

Aarrggghhhh

It is only now I realise how lucky I was with my own husband in this respect. He would never ever let me down like this.

Shameless_Biotch 48F

7/12/2006 11:53 pm

Great post!!You tell'em!!
Sorry, I have no explaination, either....as you can tell on my blog from my whining about my b/f being incommunicato too much this summer....I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do, once he comes crawling back....and he will, he is in love with me, and I know I am his only sexual outlet other than his wife, so he will be back, at some point...he may have "missed the train" by then, tho, if ya know what I mean!I only have so much patience!!


CB_2 replies on 7/13/2006 9:02 am:
But will they listen, SB? I live in hope - I'm an optimist at heart.

Panthiest 72M

7/13/2006 12:00 am

"The hysterical bride in the penny arcade
Screaming she moans, "I've just been made"
Then sends out for the doctor who pulls down the shade
Says, "My advice is to not let the boys in"
(Bob Dylan - Tombstone Blues)

Put down those scissors! Actually, not letting the boys in quite so soon is a good idea because we appreciate what we work for more than what's given to us, yes?

Does your story illustrate that while women can get laid at the drop of a hat, or snap of the fingers, finding someone who really likes you for who you are is a common problem to both sexes?

Are you clear on what sort of a guy you want and what sort of a relationship you want with the guy? It would help if you were. Make it very clear you want to be told about changes well BEFORE the due time.

In the past I have had problems being late for dates - and so far I have held out against having a cell phone. (Life moves fast enough already thank you.) But I am cured of that (say hallelejah folks) and now warn my dates that I am notoriously late, but I will always show up. I even have started calling my dates just before I leave so they know I'm still coming and when.

P.S. My last date was 40 minutes late. Didn't bother me as it was in a local pub where we were watching the the World Cup Final. She spent a good bit of her time at another table watching alone. (The world cup was her idea btw) I think it was her way of saying, "There's no interest here." and there wasn't from either end.
What can we say? People are strange and two people are strangers until they're not.
Good luck!


CB_2 replies on 7/13/2006 8:45 am:
In an ideal world, Pantheist, I can go out for a date very night. We can have dinner, go to the cinema, go dancing, whatever. And then we can go home and shag each other senseless all night.

However, this is not an ideal world.

I am a single mother with young children and no family on the doorstep to act as babysitters whenever I want. It is very hard for me to repay babysitting favours, and so I cannot abuse them: an evening out once a fortnight would be good going and everything has to be planned around childcare.

Can you imagine how angry I get when a guy fucks up my one and only chance of a date for the next fortnight?? No wonder I look for guys who can manage daytime meets, because I have far more flexibility there.

I know exactly what kind of relationship I want, and I know exactly what I can offer and what I am looking for. I just need to find a guy who's looking for the same thing. Most guys who contact me get bounced from the off, I'm afraid, because something is not right. If I get as far as meeting someone it is because I have already spoken with him at length, we know we are singing from the same songsheet and I think we could be good for each other. We meet for coffee and if that works out well, the next date will be a shag.

I make no apology for cutting straight to the chase. If my being clear about what I want is a problem for a guy, then fine - but surely he should have the courtesy to tell me?

I am not prepared to make a guy wait for a shag "because it is good for him". Why can't we both want sex and - hey, here's a novel idea! - actually have sex? If a guy is too stupid to see what he is missing, well, I give up!

I too see lots of messages from guys complaining about not being able to find a relationship, but if they were to examine their behaviour a bit more closely there are always reasons why. I'm just explaining the most common one.

CB_2 51F

7/13/2006 6:31 am

    Quoting Panthiest:
    "The hysterical bride in the penny arcade
    Screaming she moans, "I've just been made"
    Then sends out for the doctor who pulls down the shade
    Says, "My advice is to not let the boys in"
    (Bob Dylan - Tombstone Blues)

    Put down those scissors! Actually, not letting the boys in quite so soon is a good idea because we appreciate what we work for more than what's given to us, yes?

    Does your story illustrate that while women can get laid at the drop of a hat, or snap of the fingers, finding someone who really likes you for who you are is a common problem to both sexes?

    Are you clear on what sort of a guy you want and what sort of a relationship you want with the guy? It would help if you were. Make it very clear you want to be told about changes well BEFORE the due time.

    In the past I have had problems being late for dates - and so far I have held out against having a cell phone. (Life moves fast enough already thank you.) But I am cured of that (say hallelejah folks) and now warn my dates that I am notoriously late, but I will always show up. I even have started calling my dates just before I leave so they know I'm still coming and when.

    P.S. My last date was 40 minutes late. Didn't bother me as it was in a local pub where we were watching the the World Cup Final. She spent a good bit of her time at another table watching alone. (The world cup was her idea btw) I think it was her way of saying, "There's no interest here." and there wasn't from either end.
    What can we say? People are strange and two people are strangers until they're not.
    Good luck!
Pantheist, I am always very very clear about what I'm looking for and what I expect. There is no possibility of misunderstanding. And yes, I can often be late for things, but if it is going to be more than a few minutes I will call. It is a basic courtesy.

And no, I don't think it illustrates that some people can get laid esily - I am a nice, fun, easy to get on with person, not high maintenance at all, and I always lay the cards on the table. But I've so far managed to get laid a grand total of one time since the end of March.

I know there are women on here who say they want one thing but really wat another. I am not one of them.

Now, OK, I could go for pond scum, but I'd rather not. I refuse to believe that there are no nice guys out there who want the same thing as me!

Blogito ergo sum.


CB_2 51F

7/13/2006 6:59 am

>Actually, not letting the boys in quite so soon is a good idea because we appreciate what we work for more than what's given to us, yes?

And no, I'm sorry, I do not intend to spend ages going on dates before going to bed with a guy. I vet him first, discuss what we both want and then meet for coffee. If that goes well, I'll want to go to bed with him. Guys are not the only people who want to get laid, you know!

Blogito ergo sum.


rm_shannee2006 52F
3355 posts
7/14/2006 10:31 am

Well I certainly do agree with you about men and communication skills...however, I don't agree that they are responsible for my response to it. I am responsible for that. I dislike it when I become emotional about it and start to chase. I dislike it because what it's really all about for me is insecurity and probably some sense of abandonment or some silly such thing that I've got going because I've been stood up.

I feel it's certainly the responsibility of a man to act with common courtesy, but it's my responsibility to set internal emotional boundaries. Just the emotional standard that I'm trying to hold myself to. NOt that I can alway shold myself to it. I've been acting like an ass lately...but I can try.

Yup...this juiciness is from me....

S


CB_2 replies on 7/14/2006 1:03 pm:
I agree, which is why I now refuse to play the crazy chick. If they don't show basic courtesy from the off, I am afraid they lose their chance. It's as simple as that.

fantasia_shares 47M/43F
4164 posts
7/14/2006 1:30 pm

Pretty much before I met my hubby, I had a 15 minute rule. He, lol...still looks back and thinks that was a bit unreasonable, but I hated being made to wait. I always felt that my time was more valuable than that. I almost left him behind for some event, and he still thinks it was a bit unreasonable, but that was MY rule. My hubby has ADD and has since been atrocious about communication, because people with ADD have no sense of time. He finally bought a watch that he calls "his wife" because all day every day it nags him about what he should be doing. We also both have cell phones. The purpose of the cell phones is "marital harmony." Without them, there are several times I would have thought of throwing things at him for no shows. At least with a cell phone, I can inquire as to what the forecast is.

Clearly, if you want someone to actually like spending time with you, you MUST consider their time valuable. Perhaps an "up-front" clarification would be helpful. "Hello, yes, I would love to meet you at such-and-such time. There is one thing I have to be up front about...meeting anyone requires me to find and INVEST in a good babysitter. It has come to my attention that some people do not place the same value on time as I do. Because I consider my time away from my children at a valuable premium, I have had to set some rules for myself for the people I date. Excellent communication regarding when and where we meet is one of the most important things I consider in a long term friend.. If something is holding you up, please let me know as soon as you know. If it alters our schedule too much, I promist you it is nothing personal, I simply may be forced to reschedule at a later date or time."

This is called "setting the expectation." I wouldn't waste time with anyone who takes issue with it. Your time IS very valuable. I have children and know how I would feel. It is rude, inconsiderate and wasteful to treat someone this way. Don't waste your time if they can't be considerate enough to keep you informed. Do you think this same inconsiderate person will treat your sexual pleasure with any less consideration?

Fantasia

You might want to know who to watch out for around here: Are YOU a Dirty Bad Man or Woman? !

Please tell me the secrets of your sex appeal Primping!

And a MUST READ: [post 2294897]

Just shamelessly pimping my own damned blog!
{=}


PeterPiper2020 50M  
122 posts
7/15/2006 3:40 pm

A man, leaving a comment here, may be in considerable danger (lol) but I'm going to do it anyway!

The problems that you have had appear to be down to the lack of courtesy that a lot of people display these days. Everyone thinks too much about themselves with seldom a thought for the other person's feelings. They seem to think that only their time/life/situation matters & everyone else will fit in around them - however far they stray from what was agreed.

Being self-employed too I am constantly re-planning my day but I ALWAYS make sure that the people that matter know what's going on - a text costs pence but is worth a million if it gives re-assurance!
I could never, deliberately, treat anyone that badly but I DO admit to the odd mistake!

One final thing. Why do women like you live so damn far away??!! lol!

Phil, OoP

Worryingly normal, Frighteningly sane and Intriguingly different!


CB_2 replies on 7/16/2006 1:22 pm:
Welcome to the blog Phil. That's my point exactly: it's the courtesy thing that is the problem, nothing to do with the sex.

And I'm sorry I live so far away from you

cindi1977 39F

7/29/2006 1:38 am

I can understand your frustration at being let down so much, although online courtesy is an oxymoron!

I'm struggling to understand why a genuinely single guy, whom you had chatted with, maybe met, would not stay in touch, even if just to say "so far has been good but let's go our separate ways."


CB_2 replies on 7/29/2006 6:33 am:
Oh, I don't think he thinks we are not in touch. It's just that he thinks there is no point in making contact if we can't fix up a date to get together.

I texted him my new phone number last week and he texted back to say he was thinking of taking a day off work this week so we could get together. So I replied and said that unfortunately I was about to go to France until 1 September, which he was genuinely surprised and gutted about. Maybe he thinks it is up to me to keep him informed.

Well, he can think again.

CB_2 51F

7/29/2006 6:43 am

Just an update, while I'm here. I finally met option number 5. The irony is that when we got together he kept me informed by texting me 10 minutes before he arrived to say he was there (I only live 5 minutes away) and then when he actually arrived .... but both texts did not come through until he had been waiting for about quarter of an hour! As he had read this blog, he thought it might have been an "up yours" kind of gesture - but luckily they arrived and I phoned him and rescued the situation.

And now I need a new bed, as the other one is in danger of collapse!

Blogito ergo sum.


FreePaulryan 45M
6 posts
8/10/2006 7:29 am

Please Please Please, don't think all men are like this, I always text my friends and fuck buddies every day. Not to arrange a fuck but just to say hi and how is your Day?

I think Men are every bit as diverse as Women in their treatment of friends Family and Fuck Buddies.

HEY DON'T SHOOT ME I'M A MAN.....LOL


CB_2 replies on 8/10/2006 8:18 am:
Trust me, Paul, I don't really think all men are like this. I was with one for 16 years who would never have behaved like this. And my new FWB is not, either. It's just frustrating when you get a run of them!

Welcome to the blogs, by the way. Just off to check yours out.

blondejoey2005 48M

8/21/2006 9:49 am

Not every guy IS the same. There are diamonds among the rough and it is important to communicate, but i think more important to listen!

Being someone who thrives on contact and communication, I do not understand teh point of hiding things or with-holding inmformation. Arguments, misundertandings and disappointment abounds when one's partner is kept in the darl. It's far better to find out what is important to taht person and keep them informed of that important information, only then can people feel secure, safe and willing to open up.

Blondejoey


CB_2 replies on 8/21/2006 12:56 pm:
So true, blondejoey...think I might reply to your e-mail now

rm_prariehawk 53M/49F

9/14/2006 9:49 am

I've got exactly the same complaint about other guys, which may explain why I tend to get along better with women. I certainly try not to be like that. Though, I am quite shy, so sometimes with a person I don't know real well, I'll get timid and won't communicate as much as I should.


CB_2 replies on 9/14/2006 12:27 pm:
I think there is a big difference between timidity and rudeness, though. It's the discourtesy I won't stand for.

rm_prariehawk 53M/49F

9/14/2006 1:47 pm

I agree whole-heartedly with both the general observation about men and the difference between timidity and rudeness. So often, on simple things like getting together a group to play fantasy role playing games or meeting with a group to go to the Ren fair, its the guys in the group who muck things up by not telling anybody that their plans have changed or that they are or are not going to show up. It's obvious that there are some guys out there, like me, or some of the other guys who've posted to this thread who think differently or make an extra effort to be more communicative, but in general an awful lot of guys almost reflexively get inconsiderate and uncommunicative.


CB_2 replies on 9/14/2006 3:46 pm:
I blame their mothers

2006Private1965 51M
1 post
10/8/2006 8:16 am

I was told at an early age, if your not five minutes early then your late, you know before you leave the house if your gonna be late. If by chance you hit traffic then you phone as soon as possible. Basically, if you are really interested be early, I'd rather hang 30 minutes than be 10 minutes late, whats wrong with these men.

Have a good week cb2.

PS. great blog


CB_2 replies on 10/8/2006 11:24 am:
Glad you're enjoying the blog. Being early (except in bed, if you know what I mean ) is always the best way.

Han54boat 63M
11137 posts
10/15/2006 11:16 am

Nice post. I agree with 2006Pivate. I'm 5 minutes early. If a woman puts herself out to meet me, then I will be there and on time or else I'm dead.
Your picture, I love it. Nice.


Cum to my blog and respond. Have a great kissing fun time.


CB_2 replies on 10/15/2006 1:13 pm:
Thank you, Han and welcome to my blog.

rudysart2 58M

1/5/2007 1:28 pm

Honesty, I've placed 'him with her' in most of the text above and have to say it works both ways.
People in general sometimes do not consider one another at all.
I'm sorry to report that although I am probably not going to bed the girl I'm speaking of, I've bent over backwards for her to not only help her with her 'rent' and all...and all she's done is be late, very late and give excuses.
But I understand this and frankly am not mad. Just slightley more informed on HUMAN NATURE.

I too am usually early with not only flowers, but real gold jewelery for my fuck buddy gfs.
Like said earlier: why do the 'good ones' have to be so damn far away!!!
lov
rudy


CB_2 replies on 1/5/2007 2:07 pm:
I'm sure that must be true, Rudysart, and I think a lot of it is to do with how selfish people are these days. Sadly.

ells60 47M

6/27/2007 12:43 pm

Isn't it funny.... no almost coinsidentle that no single profile blokes have posted on this blog? lol

Ok i can only put it down to raw instinct nature, this may sound strange but there is a connection, watch any nature programme and there is a pattern. Males get horny, want to attract as many women as possible, do the flirty puffy chest or loudest roar party piece, attract a lady they llike and think cooooooor at.
Once obtained shag get lazy expect you to go get dinner for them why they do the 'comunial male thing' be it sleep in a tree or beer it up in a pub, rest assured that you are a female member of the pride or sitting on you nest ( means cleaning your house)
Thankfully nearly all women don't put up with that, and thankfully not all us men are like that either.
Bet you didn't think David Attenborough could answer this question did you? lmao


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