Time to revamp...  

ByteChaser2 53M
2834 posts
12/29/2005 7:47 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Time to revamp...

So... The New Year is just around the corner and yanno, I was just looking at my e-mail disclaimer, thinking it could use some major improvement.

It's just to vague. It leaves so much open to interpretation. It needs.... UMPH!

So we're just gonna toss that limp and listless piece of legal-babel and craft a brand new one.

=================================================
DISCLAIMER:

2005. All rights reserved. No part of this e-mail may be reproduced or distributed in any manner without the use of electricity (or possibly parrots). This specifically prohibits the re-distribution of this e-mail, via the non-electric Internet or otherwise, and accepts no liability whatsoever for the actions of third parties in this respect to non-electrical distribution of said e-mail. This e-mail may contain confidential information and is intended only for the humans. If you are not a human and/or the named addressee you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this e-mail. Please notify the sender immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail by mistake and delete this e-mail from your non-electric system. e-mail transmission cannot be guaranteed to be secure or error-free as information could be intercepted, corrupted, lost, destroyed, arrive late or incomplete, or contain subversive propaganda. The sender therefore does not accept liability for any errors or omissions in the contents of this message which arise as a result of e-mail transmission via non-electrical devices. If verification is required please request a non-electrical hard-copy version. This message is provided for informational purposes and should not be construed as a solicitation or offer to buy or sell any securities or related financial instruments. All advice and/or suggestions and/or observations and/or "anything else" provided within the preceding e-mail is inadmissible in a court of law. This information and its associated product(s) attract every other piece of matter in the Universe, including the products (and/or information) of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them. Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user. Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this produce consists of 99.99999% empty space. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. Your mileage may vary. Caveat emptor. An equal opportunity e-mail. No shoes, no shirt, no service. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Parental discretion advised, text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable. Keep away from sunlight. Keep away from OJ. Keep away from pets and small children. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Action figures sold separately. Slippery when wet. Call before you dig. For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Read only with proper ventilation. Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a physician. Emails are ribbed for your pleasure. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes, and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.). Other restrictions may apply. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. All models over 18 years of age. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Many suitcases look alike. Edited for television. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Sanitized for your protection. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Decision of judges is final. No electrons were harmed in the making of this disclaimer. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Beware of dog. Beware of owner. Beware of owl. Some items in overhead bins may shift during flight. Purposeful ruptures of delicate membranes are limited to one rupture per membrane unless noted otherwise. Wash hands after reading. You may distribute this disclaimer freely but you may not make a profit from it. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. This disclaimer warps space and time in its vicinity. The mass of this disclaimer contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight. There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor’s domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result. Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this disclaimer is and how fast it is moving. The most fundamental particles in this disclaimer are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power cannot therefore be permanently guaranteed. This disclaimer contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour. According to certain suggested versions of a grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting this disclaimer may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years. Any use of this disclaimer, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe. The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this disclaimer is ten-dimensional, with legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small area that they cannot be detected. The entire physical universe, including this disclaimer, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this disclaimer in that universe cannot be guaranteed. Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this disclaimer, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state. In the unlikely event that this disclaimer should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

Just kidding! Do whatever you want!


rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
12/29/2005 8:09 pm

*rolls eyes* yeah...it needs work. kill your babies!


ByteChaser2 53M

12/29/2005 10:08 pm

LOL sj - So what about this:

DISCLAIMER:

I take no responsibility for anything I say or do... after all I am a visually stimulated male.


rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
12/30/2005 11:10 am

ignorance of the law is no excuse.

how about this:
'The disclaimers added to the end of emails are not legally binding, but it's always good practice to try and disclaim liability'.
Michael Chissick, Head of Internet law at Field Fisher Waterhouse (March 2000 Internet Magazine, 'All work and no play')


ByteChaser2 53M

12/30/2005 1:05 pm

Hmmm... Thats actually good to know

Odd though that the content of an email IS legally binding but a disclaimer isn't? I tell ya, if it weren'y for lawyers, there'd be no need for lawyers...


kitz6 60F

12/30/2005 1:56 pm

aaawwww - here I was soo hoping for a catastrophic explosion!!!

and now in keeping with the evil kittenish side of my character -

*sneaking away after igniting the 'hot foot' under Byte's left foot*


ByteChaser2 53M

12/30/2005 2:17 pm

No catestrophic explosions! Though I do expect the primary that particles constituting this post may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.


_Safira 53F
11260 posts
12/30/2005 4:56 pm

*Reading this Disclaimer may cause temporary insanity ... or a full-blown fit if you were headed in that general direction*

*wicked grin*

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?


ByteChaser2 53M

12/30/2005 5:38 pm

Which is exactly what it takes to actually compile something so twisted Safira


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