Dear Dr. Dick's Tough Love Advice Column  

ByteChaser2 53M
2834 posts
2/19/2006 9:11 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Dear Dr. Dick's Tough Love Advice Column

Dear Dr. Dick,

I'm completely confused about how to impress my gitlfriend. I mean, I try to be romantic and stuff, we talk all the time. Shoot, I've even bought this box full of toys and stuff. It's not like I'm not trying to make our sex lives great. She just isn't responding the way I want...

What is it that she wants anyway?

Bud X

Dear Bud,

Dude... you bought TOYS!!?? What, are you like - daft? Smooth move there brain child... replace your own dick with a box full of better ones! Dork...

Ok, so here's the thing. First, ditch the toy box. Next, clue in to what a woman really wants:

# Brad Pitt in the bedroom,
# Brad Pitt in the kitchen,
# Brad Pitt around the house,
# Brad Pitt during a game,
# Brad Pitt when they're sick,
# Brad Pitt in conversation,
# The body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt,
# and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda, sorta, maybe think women want from men.

1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.
4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at... say Carl, the brain-dead jackoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, total idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo...
5. This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
2/19/2006 9:47 am


southrnpeach333 50F

2/19/2006 9:47 am

Oh my God, I think I have just fallen in love.

rm_EveLWoman 56F
36 posts
2/19/2006 9:48 am

yep, perfect.

but you forgot one small thing;

"dont stop" means dont stop

rm_magnet4u22 49F
18406 posts
2/19/2006 10:21 am

Too funny!!! I think you are on to something


ByteChaser2 53M

2/19/2006 12:55 pm

So are you sj!

ByteChaser2 53M

2/19/2006 12:56 pm

Peach - In love? With Brad or Fabio on a NyQuil downer?

ByteChaser2 53M

2/19/2006 1:16 pm

Ms. Eve - I'll have to write our intrepid rocket scientist back and fill him in on that point

ByteChaser2 53M

2/19/2006 1:17 pm

Magnet - Uh-oh... I expect that means I'll have to come up with some more? Well, as it happens, there's a letter in the mail bag from a young lady in distress... I expect she'll be next on the hit parade

FeistySyn 52F

2/20/2006 5:54 pm

LMAO!!!! you are wise beyond your years!

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

ByteChaser2 53M

2/21/2006 6:52 am

I just call em like I see em Syn

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