Another couple of skeletons...  

ByteChaser2 52M
2834 posts
3/28/2006 8:30 am

Last Read:
4/3/2006 6:50 am

Another couple of skeletons...

So, this one will no doubt produce a lot of personal pain. But it's like my old Uncle Cooter always says (about farts more than painful memories): "Better out than in!"

A couple of you already know outright and I'm sure some have figured it out. I've got me a few fears, a couple of "No fucking way I'm going there"'s and well... just things I don't like to dwell on.

And it's all attributable to the words and deeds of dad. Don't get me wrong. I love the old man, more now that he's mellowed in his progressing age, having extracted his own set of skeletons, recognized his own failings and begged for understanding, forgiveness. But there was a time...

We'll start with the dominance/submissive issue... I'm a dominant. Period. In about everything living, breathing moment of my being, I simply cannot relinquish control of any of me to anyone else. That from years of being physically and emotionally dominated by dad.

Now, I wasn't what you'd call a model son by any stretch. I was rebellious, contrary to any authority and prone to breaking the rules. Probably because I had an attention span of some 3 minutes combined with a long term memory of about as long. I learned lessons frequently - and repetitively - for that very weakness.

Dad's discipline for my failings we always swift and severe, most often at the end of a razor strop or a belt but he'd use anything close at hand to meter out his punishments. One of those big, metal 5-cell police flashlights a couple times, sticks or boards, plates and glasses... food a couple times and his *priceless* camera once.

When I'd grown to his size, the beatings were replaced by other, less physical reprisals. Public humiliations, months (once a year) long restrictions, bread and water meals for days and weeks sometimes. I'd had every personal possession boxed and carted off to the local charity once, left with nothing but a bed and a desk and my own thoughts.

I left for the Marines a week after graduating from high school, convinced that if anyone could give me the tools to "get even", it was the Corps. They did but not the way I'd thought. Funny but what I learned was how to follow the rules, not how to extract retribution.

Dad used sex to dominate too. My brother, sister and I spent a great many sleepless nights waiting for the bedroom door to open. It was another way he'd exert his dominance over us. I won't go into the specifics. Much of it is blocked out anyway. When us kids get together, we usually hash it all out amongst ourselves. We have come to terms with it and with him.

I don't say this to illicit pity or garner emotional support. So please PLEASE don't! I only say this so you may understand how difficult it is for me to make male friends... I'm a severe homophobic. I'm petrified that I'll get hit on by a guy. I know, it's completely unreasonable and I'm working on it. So no pity, just understanding is all I ask.

There is a good from all this history though. I've apparently developed a much better long term memory as I've mellowed. I have choice now and I've chosen to break the cycle. From dad's anecdotal stories of his childhood, we had it pretty easy by comparison... He'd tried to break the cycle and succeeded in a small measure. We kids are doing better at it and I expect our own children will succeed more. Eventually, the family will have placed our closeted skeletons in their own graves, never to be exhumed.


rm_goddess1946 105F
13518 posts
3/28/2006 9:20 am

I've learned that to heal it, I have to feel it...
I don't have to carry the pain even though there was
alot of it there and yet to be able to lay it down, I
have to know that I have it in my hands and in my heart.

Some days are easier than others. Feeling safe to be anywhere just is
what it is and you are where you are. Thank you for feeling
safe enough here to share this with us. Sending you a heartfelt
hug and handing you the keys to the car so that you can drive {=}

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


ArgosPlumyKooky 45F
3902 posts
3/28/2006 9:27 am

i just began following your posts. what you have here is so deep. it makes me recognize the shallowness of my own resentfulness towards my mother. your heart and mind are very big


ByteChaser2 52M

3/28/2006 10:11 am

    Quoting SensuallyKate:
    this is the final words I can say...

    why do you think some of us become...

    "wounded healers"

    take care Byte.

    Bye.
    Kate
Bye? Your leaving???


ByteChaser2 52M

3/28/2006 10:16 am

    Quoting rm_goddess1946:
    I've learned that to heal it, I have to feel it...
    I don't have to carry the pain even though there was
    alot of it there and yet to be able to lay it down, I
    have to know that I have it in my hands and in my heart.

    Some days are easier than others. Feeling safe to be anywhere just is
    what it is and you are where you are. Thank you for feeling
    safe enough here to share this with us. Sending you a heartfelt
    hug and handing you the keys to the car so that you can drive {=}
Thank you for listening Goddess! I think thats why I write... just to be heard yanno? And I do feel safe enough with you all. Thank YOU! XX


ByteChaser2 52M

3/28/2006 10:18 am

    Quoting ArgosPlumyKooky:
    i just began following your posts. what you have here is so deep. it makes me recognize the shallowness of my own resentfulness towards my mother. your heart and mind are very big
Your not shallow snatch! I wouldn't be following you around the blog if I thought you were! You are what you are and you make me happy


ByteChaser2 52M

3/28/2006 10:21 am

    Quoting ShayeDK:
    I admire greatly your strength in sharing your experience.
    Some people should never be parents and your dad is a prime example of that.

    I know the pain of being a victim. I know the depths of despair that consume us after as we try to re-set our fractured lives.
    It takes time. It takes patience and it comes with an immeasurable amount of anger, fear and a million tears.

    Reaching out to help others overcome the effects of violence has helped and served to be a huge healing for me.
    I have worked with battered women for a long time now in an attempt to put into perspective my own nightmare of severe violence and I found there is a path of light that leads us out of the darkness and in helping others discover this path of light, has been the best therapy I have found in getting on with my life.

    I understand your fears and the need to always be in control.
    This is the reason for my Domme status.
    The wounds go so deep, altering who we are and stealing from us, who we could have been.
    The need for constant control is like having to sleep with our eyes open - the Boogie Man left it's mark and the child inside us struggles with the panic, the shame and the terror of the unknown on a daily basis.

    I hope you have found your path of light.
    You are not alone and hopefully the darkness has fallen behind you.
    Even though it hurts our eyes to emerge from that darkness, we do adjust and in time, can embrace the light of hope and faith.
    Never lose hope my friend and always look to the light of your faith.
    It will be your reclamation.

    HUGS
"my friend" That, right there makes everything worth it and all I'd every want to hear. Thank you so much Shaye!


FeistySyn 51F

3/29/2006 7:21 pm

Your post made me wonder and think a lot about why I do not have female friends, not very often in my life I have had a close female friend and when I have, I tend to let them "go" easily. Thx for sharing what I am sure must have been hard to write.

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?
~~~~~


ByteChaser2 52M

3/30/2006 7:05 am

    Quoting FeistySyn:
    Your post made me wonder and think a lot about why I do not have female friends, not very often in my life I have had a close female friend and when I have, I tend to let them "go" easily. Thx for sharing what I am sure must have been hard to write.
It wasn't all that hard once I finally set my mind to just doing it. Starting is hard, finishing was easy


_Safira 53F
11260 posts
4/2/2006 6:48 pm

*sitting in silence, holding your hand, passing the Pringles* Yep. That's all. Safira

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?


ByteChaser2 52M

4/3/2006 6:50 am

    Quoting _Safira:
    *sitting in silence, holding your hand, passing the Pringles* Yep. That's all. Safira
mmmmmm Pringles


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